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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

WWYD - AIBU over friend and new baby?

36 replies

NewTeacher · 07/10/2010 15:36

My friend had a baby in May. She sent round an email giving all the details and said when they were all settled she would have visitors over.

I sent an immediate text of congratulations, not phoning as I knew she'd be inundated. I waited 4 weeks and sent a text to say we'd love to come meet baby, but got a reply that they would let us know when it was ok!

I sent texts to ask how all were etc not mentioning a visit.I called a number of times but no one ever answered the phone! Then 3 months on in early August I asked if we could come visit and gave some dates I was told that month was out as her parents were over so no visitors. Hmm

I called in Sept to wish her a happy birthday had to leave a message as no phone answered! I got a text back to say they'd love us to come visit when would be convenient for us! YAY I thought and text back this weekend would be great (this was last week). I got no answer and the weekend came and went.

My question is should I just give up???? I plan in not bothering to call or text again as I think she is being a bit weird. Having said that my bday is coming up soona nd I'm having a big bash so have sent her an invite for that.

Now AIBU to think that maybe she doesnt want me to come visit? Confused

OP posts:
PixieOnaLeaf · 07/10/2010 15:48

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DanceInTheDark · 07/10/2010 15:50

Some peoples priorities change when they have children. Maybe now she wants to spend time with her family and not so much time with pestery friend?

belgo · 07/10/2010 15:53

NewTeacher - you obviously value your friendship with her but unfortunately there are some people who just don't appreciate this.

I would probably just give up at this point.

Firawla · 07/10/2010 15:53

can you clarify whether its visit as in just going round or visit as in staying over for a week or something?
if its just going round she is being extremely weird i would say

Hedgeblunder · 07/10/2010 15:54

Maybe she's struggling a bit? I haaaate people coming to see me if I'm a bit low etc.
I would just leave it to be honest, you've obviously tried. Are you sure you haven't done anything to upset her?

Original poster
NewTeacher · 07/10/2010 15:55

Its for a visit for an hour! As for priorities changing when you have kids...I know I have 2 of my own!!!!

Have I really been pestery? A text once a month!

OP posts:
Original poster
NewTeacher · 07/10/2010 15:56

I havent seen her since March when her and hubby came over to ours and we all had a great time!

OP posts:
PixieOnaLeaf · 07/10/2010 15:57

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belgo · 07/10/2010 15:57

No of course you haven't been pestery, Danceinthedark is rude to suggest that.

You just want to see her and her new baby, and after five months, it's not unreasonable to wonder if they will ever find the time for you./

SeaTrek · 07/10/2010 15:59

No, you haven't been pestery! You have done everything right IMO. I do, also, think the time has come to stop bothering though. The ball is in her court now.

WillYouDoTheDamnFanjo · 07/10/2010 16:00

NewTeacher, you sound like a sweet, patient person. However, sometimes friendships don't survive a big life-change like a baby arriving. I think this person no longer has time for you and you'd be better off giving your attention to others who might appreciate it.

Sorry if that's hard. I think you probably knew it anyway though, didn't you?

mrspear · 07/10/2010 16:03

I know this sounds far out but is all well with the baby?

I only ask as my mum had similar problem with a friend (although it was her teenage daughters') and my mum ended up cornering her in sainsburys and said lets have coffee now!
Thats when it all came out.

Just an idea

GerMom7 · 07/10/2010 16:04

I'd wonder if she might be struggling perhaps with PND. I've found it really difficult to see people since having DS over 18 months ago - even really close friends. It sends me into a panic and I have probably really pissed people off by ignoring texts and messages. I'd maybe send her a card saying that you hope she's OK, would love to see her when she feels ready and that you will leave it up to her to contact you as you feel now that you're hassling her.
Give her the benefit of the doubt before writing her off as a friend. If she is suffering from depression she will already be feeling horrendous about not seeing you.

PixieOnaLeaf · 07/10/2010 16:07

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lynniep · 07/10/2010 16:09

Its entirely possible she's suffering from PND, or any number of other scenarios which are making it hard for her to respond to you. I'd give her the benefit of the doubt.

You arent pestering - of course not. But she might not be in the right place to see people. Or, it is possible that she no-longer has time for you, but it seems strange if she told you she'd love you to come and visit. Why bother texting you that - she may as well just have ignored you altogether if she really doesnt want to see you.

I'd keep trying for a bit longer before you give up :)

TryLikingClarity · 07/10/2010 16:12

I too was wondering if all is well with her baby? Maybe there is some illness or disability she finds it hard to be open about?

I don't think YABU. I had a baby in February and was ready for visitors after about 2 weeks.

Original poster
NewTeacher · 07/10/2010 16:22

Thanks all. Having had two kids I know what's involved and I wanted other adult company after two weeks too!

I'll send Little ones pressie in the post. I think she'll get the idea ive lost hope! And wait for her to say come on xx day.

Cheers all

OP posts:
newnamethistime · 07/10/2010 16:23

this was me with horrible PND and an unsupportive partner.
I got anxious at answering the phone, couldn't contemplate visitors because of the squalor we were living in (I felt). Felt useless compared to all of my coping-well friends etc.

I would keep up the texts (they are not pestering at 1/month) and see what happens. It can take a few years to get over untreated PND.

pluperfect · 07/10/2010 16:29

I think you are being kind to remind her that you still want to see her.

Has she got a park or cafe near her house? Perhaps you could search out some "baby-venue" near her and meet there, your treat. There will be no pressure to tidy up, and, to be honest, if she hasn't been able to cope with getting out of the house by now, there really is a problem, and you can decide what to do about it.

Namechangingwuss · 07/10/2010 16:38

Your friend is being very strange, I had visitors round the same day ds was born!

I like your idea of sending the present in the post, it may spur her on to get in touch. It does sound like she has pnd or some kind of anxiety around seeing people. I hope you get to the bottom of it soon!

Namechangingwuss · 07/10/2010 16:39

Your friend is being very strange, I had visitors round the same day ds was born!

I like your idea of sending the present in the post, it may spur her on to get in touch. It does sound like she has pnd or some kind of anxiety around seeing people. I hope you get to the bottom of it soon!

Marchpane · 07/10/2010 16:45

Well I wouldn't give up. When you have a baby it's a different time and space continum to the rest of the world.

She may not have appreciated how much things have drifted. I say this as someone who's meeting up with an old colleague tomorrow having been trying to arrange it for over a year!

Perhaps keep texting and invitating her to things for a bit longer?

ChippingIn · 07/10/2010 17:15

I would send the present in the post with a note. Basically saying that you hope that her & the baby are fine and that she's settling into being a Mum, but you remember what it's like and it isn't easy! Sometimes the house gets into a state and you are just too tired to care! (etc) Tell her that you have missed her company and would love to see her, either at hers or at xyz place soon - and not to worry if she's got baby sick on her top !! LOL Just let her know it's OK not to be all House & Garden, Yummy Mummy when you see her.

You are not pestering, not at all, a text every fortnight or so is lovely. When you are feeling shit you can't always deal with responding, but it's rare not to enjoy getting a text - especially if it's just a 'Thinking of you, lots of love OP' nothing that requires an answer.

DanceInTheDark · 07/10/2010 17:32

Apologies if i came across as rude. It does sound like you have been pestering her though. At least to me. But then i am socially inept and have depression so maybe that's just how i think?

DetectivePotato · 07/10/2010 17:57

I would say she is being odd.

I had no friends when DS was born. I was carving company in the day and would have loved someone to come around. When he was 5 months and I couldn't ignore the PND anymore I forced myself to go to groups and now I have a fantastic set of friends. I couldn't fob anyone off for 5 months then expect them to still bother. If there was a problem, she could let you know that something is up than continously coming up with crap excuses.

Personally, I would give up after this length of time.

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