WWYD - AIBU over friend and new baby?

[NewTeacher]

My friend had a baby in May. She sent round an email giving all the details and said when they were all settled she would have visitors over.

I sent an immediate text of congratulations, not phoning as I knew she'd be inundated. I waited 4 weeks and sent a text to say we'd love to come meet baby, but got a reply that they would let us know when it was ok!

I sent texts to ask how all were etc not mentioning a visit.I called a number of times but no one ever answered the phone! Then 3 months on in early August I asked if we could come visit and gave some dates I was told that month was out as her parents were over so no visitors.

I called in Sept to wish her a happy birthday had to leave a message as no phone answered! I got a text back to say they'd love us to come visit when would be convenient for us! YAY I thought and text back this weekend would be great (this was last week). I got no answer and the weekend came and went.

My question is should I just give up???? I plan in not bothering to call or text again as I think she is being a bit weird. Having said that my bday is coming up soona nd I'm having a big bash so have sent her an invite for that.

Now AIBU to think that maybe she doesnt want me to come visit?

I wonder too if she's not coping well/has PND. I found visits even from family and close friends difficult when dd1 was first born. I did appreciate it when people made an effort with me but I felt overwhelmed for months. I know I annoyed people by ignoring texts etc. but I was doing my best to adjust to life as a new mum.

This is a tricky one.

I think your friend is behaving 'oddly' but then I have been through that myself. At a very low ebb after 1st DD I didn't really want to see anyone. My close friend came to visit after about a week I think but I didn't really want her there even though she was nothing but lovely I felt anxious having other people near my baby. 5 months though is a really long time for this to carry on. Either she's in a very bad way, or she doesn't want to continue being friends, I couldn't say which.

I don't think you've been 'pestery' at all texting once a month. I'd post her pressie and like someone else suggested, try arranging to meet her outside the home, and at a time that she chooses.

After that, I'd leave it for a while and see if she gets in touch.

PND? Has she maybe felt a bit low since the birth and cut herself off? I've been there.

You haven't been pestering by the sound of it. Hopefully your friend will get past this and contact you soon but I'd leave it for now.

my first thought was that she was maybe struggling too. i dont think you've been pestering at all, and not sure what you can do to be a friend if she wont let you see her. have you tried inviting her to yours? maybe she doesnt want anyone in the house.

Concur with it sounds a bit odd and that maybe there is something going on there. Either something to do with the baby or PND or whatever.

If you have previously been good friends and haven't fallen out then don't assume she doesn't want to know you. I would however send the gift then leave the ball in her court.

So you've not actually spoken to her since the baby was born? I think thats the first thing to try and do, although I realise that hasn't been easy.

It does sound odd but having a baby is an enormous change and just because some people cope wonderfully from day 1 with their baby doesn't mean we all do so well. I felt anxious for a long time after having dd1.

I even ignored a few calls but fortunately my friends persisted and eventually I got on top of things.

Have possibly not read as fully as I could but just wondered a) is it her first baby?

I was much more excited about showing off my 1st baby. By my 3rd I was knackered, still had older 2 DCs to get up ready out to palygroup/toddlers/singing club and on most days despite NOT having PND I felt pretty much not up to seeing most friends who have children as it was just too much to have that many people aroundfighting with my DC etc. (Although my closest couple of mates were just that and supported me all the way).

b) Have you offered to go round without your kids in tow? I found very hard with any of my LOs to have other people's toddlers around as generally people want to snuggle the baby and therefore need their own kids to be looked after. Which generally with a small baby you're far too knackered to do... Just a thought.

Otherwise I would say keep at it, send the present. Tell her you're dropping round one evening with some cake/ a lasagne and if she doesn't invite you in then you've probably got your answer. But you sound LOVELY to me and I would have appreciated your support, I hope she does too.

If I were you, I'd send her a nice friendly text saying at this rate it's going to be the baby's 18th before you get to meet him/her, so unless you hear from her to the contrary, you'll come round at X o'clock on such-and-such a day, but you'll only be able to stay for half an hour. It sounds like she might just need you to take charge, but she can always back out if it's not convenient.

It's her first baby, she's an older mum. We spoke regularly when she was pregnant as she wanted advice. I've spoken to her once after baby was born to congratulate her and she sounded happy. She spoke with enthusiasm.

My kids are not toddlers so not likely to cause hassle, they'd just sit in the corner with their ds on!!!

Her husband would've called if it was PND I'm sure of it.

I'm going to send the present with a note and leave it to her.

Thanks for your help. I'll let you know if I get any response.

It does sound a little odd. Saying that, I was shellshocked when I had ds and some friend came round with her boyfriend and a massive carryout of booze All ready to settle down to a night of drinking in my living room. I was hallucinating with tiredness and bf. In the end I had to get dh to call our landline and pretended my gran took ill

Perhaps she has had a stampede of guests and litterally cannot cope with planning for any more. Maybe incase she is really tired on the day she arranges for you to come. I know I dreaded making any plans, each day was a lucky dip for how good or bad I felt.

You do sound like a great friend to have though. I would send the gift and a note, and leave it for a while. x

Perfumedlife - at your friend! What a numpty doing that when she'd come to visit you with your new baby.