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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Friend hasn't acknowledged my baby :(

38 replies

BettyButterknife · 07/10/2010 12:52

DS is 10 weeks old. When he was born we did the normal thing of sending a text to let everyone know. One of my best friends sent a text back, but since then - nothing. No card, no present.

Just find it a bit weird, really. She was very generous when DS1 was born and sent presents for him and for us. I did the same when her DC2 was born and spent a really long time finding the perfect presents.

I probably am BU but it's been playing on my mind. I guess the older DS gets the less likely it is that she'd send something... maybe she has but it's been lost in the post - but how on earth could I find out??

OP posts:

OrmRenewed · 07/10/2010 12:53

Perhaps she's ill, very busy, dealing with some trauma of her own.

phipps · 07/10/2010 12:55

I think you need to stop wondering why she doesn't appear to have sent you something and why not invite her to come round? Maybe she has bought something and is at home feeling too that she hasn't been invited round.

zingzillachinchilla · 07/10/2010 12:56

Since I had DD1, I have become world's worst at late presents & cards.... perhaps she's not got round to marking the occasion yet? Or has genuinely forgotten? I guess you haven't been in touch since, so maybe when you next see her she'll surprise you with something.

I think you are being a tiny bit U, to be honest.

ConnorTraceptive · 07/10/2010 12:56

Agree with Phipps invite her over. You do tend to get ALOT less interest in subsequent dc's I'm afraid

FallingWithStyle · 07/10/2010 12:56

When you say she hasn't acknowledged the baby, do you mean she hasn't mentioned him, asked after him etc?

Or just that she hasn't sent a present?

If its the latter then you really shouldn't worry about it. She might be a bit hsort of money and while its nice to send a present or card it really is not an indicator of interest.

TheProvincialLady · 07/10/2010 12:57

She is probably less excited because this is your second child. In her mind, she has already congratulated you and made a muss of YOU (not the baby) on becoming a parent for the first time. Then the excitement wears off and you could keep producing children once a year for the next 15 years and she would not get any more excited.

That was my experience anyway. With DS1 I was showered with flowers, presents, cards etc and poor DS2 barely received a thing. I think he has got over it now! YANBU to be a bit hurt but people are often like this. Tell your friend you are a bit hurt.

ilovehens · 07/10/2010 12:58

She could be really skint. My heart sinks every time my ds2 brings home a party invitation because I know I'm going to have to buy yet another present that I can't afford.

TheProvincialLady · 07/10/2010 12:58

FUSS not muss.

PutTheKettleOn · 07/10/2010 12:59

perhaps she's waiting til she sees you? DD2 is 15 weeks and I got a present just yesterday for her from a friend who i just hadn't got around to meeting up with til now.

She's probably really busy with her own DC, life is hectic with 2, I've only just got around to posting a birthday present for a friend's DS, only 1 month late

I wouldn't take it personally, why not just ring her for a chat?

Original poster

BettyButterknife · 07/10/2010 13:08

Haven't seen her as we live 120 miles away, would love to see her though. I don't think she's skint. She was on holiday when DS was born which I thought would explain it, but perhaps she's genuinely forgotten. I dunno. I know IABabitU...

OP posts:

phipps · 07/10/2010 13:09

ilovehens, I feel the same and just say no to my dc going to the party.

potoftea · 07/10/2010 13:18

It is possible she posted you a present and it never arrived. So she's wondering why you are so rude as not to thank her!

I'd text something like "just realised I haven't heard from you since ds was born. It's not like you to not be in touch, so hope everything is okay with you".

That way you are reminding her, but also explaining that you didn't get something if she did post it.

Spero · 07/10/2010 13:22

Ring her and invite her over! Say 'I haven't seen you for ages, it would be lovely to see you'.

If you value her as a friend that is. If you think the friendship has maybe run its course, just let it go and see if she contacts you.

But if it worries you, do something about it. A friend of mine had a baby last year - I went to her baby shower, got her a thoughtful gift etc, etc... then when the baby was born, she didn't even tell me, I found out from a mutual friend about a week later. So I thought the ball was in her court to invite me round to pay hommage to the baby... and a year later she still hasn't.

So EITHER I have lost a friend by being a passive agressive burk, or she wasn't much of a friend to begin with and we are mutually relieved not to be in touch. In my case, I think it is the latter, but if you think you would be really sad not to be in touch with your friend six months down the line, pick up the phone and talk to her now or leave a message, none of this texting you really value her.

phipps · 07/10/2010 13:25

I agree, she could have sent something and be miffed you haven't been in touch.

loopyloops · 07/10/2010 13:26

I'm afraid I think YABU. Surely it is perfectly reasonable for her not to send a card or present? I think they are nice, but you shouldn't expect them.

Congratulations by the way!

Sassybeast · 07/10/2010 13:26

Ring her! There could be a THOUSAND genuine reasons why she hasn't been in touch.

emptyshell · 07/10/2010 13:31

She might be going through horrible personal stuff herself. Right now I wouldn't send a card or gift to someone having a new baby - emotionally I couldn't cope with it after two miscarriages this year - even looking at the cards would set me off into another mini-meltdown for days on end (hence the reason my cousin is getting an Argos card for Xmas this year for her little one - I can't emotionally cope with baby-oriented shopping and it's about as middle-ground as I can find to not give nothing).

The post sounds a bit "grabby" though - did you really have the child to see how many presents and cards you can get? It kind of reads like that's the part of it all you viewed as important - which I'm sure it isn't.

Or the post's just been pants - which you're not likely to find out about if you're just sending a text.

FallingWithStyle · 07/10/2010 13:31

Yes, but is it the case that she hasn't been in touch?

I cant tell whether bbk is saying she hasnt heard from her at all or just that she hasn't had a present/card.

FallingWithStyle · 07/10/2010 13:33

...because if she hasn't been in touch at all then I imagine the op would be written differently - the lack of gift would be the least of bbk's concerns.

MadreInglese · 07/10/2010 13:36

Original poster

BettyButterknife · 07/10/2010 13:37

I suppose it just seems a bit out of character. She was one of my bridesmaids, so we are pretty close friends. It's not so much wanting a card/present, just wanted to feel she's interested in DS in some small way.

I will ring her.

OP posts:

notrightnow · 07/10/2010 13:37

YABU. Your friend DID acknowledge your baby - you wrote that she sent a text back.

You seem to want a present (which is odd, I think). She might be busy, or broke, or has two children of her own and can't get to the post office to send something. She might be waiting to hear from you again. Or until she sees you.

If you are really a friend, you will get over this. When my son was born my husband somehow missed my best friend off the list of people to ring. She heard about his birth at third hand then next day via a colleague of our husbands. We all thought this was hilarious and there were no hard feelings.

FallingWithStyle · 07/10/2010 13:38

BettyButterKnife Are you saying she hasn't been in touch since that text?
Or just that she hasn't sent a gift?

melikalikimaka · 07/10/2010 13:39

Think outside the box, you get in touch with her, there's probably more to it than you think,eg. had a bereavement or similar. Be Kind!

inchhighprivateeye · 07/10/2010 13:40

This happened to me - a very good friend who had been excited about the birth, just disappeared for months after my baby was born. I couldn't understand it, I had been going to ask her to be godmother, we were so close.

Found out much later that she had got pregnant around that time, was on medication and had to have a termination. Really sad, and totally understandable that she didn't want to come and see our baby.

Be understanding to your friend. It's not all about you - who knows what she's got going on?

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