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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Refuse to cook for my DH because we like different foods

33 replies

toja555 · 06/10/2010 14:26

It is going to be a long rant.. It is only one of our problems but at the moment is very annoying. DH, I would say, has a very poor taste in food - he only likes some of his ethnical food, which is basically rice & meat all the time!!! Meat can only be chicken, lamb or goat (he does not like pork or beef), and can only be cooked in two ways - either stew with tomatoes and onions, or roasted in oven. Occasionally he would eat beans (but only cooked with tomatoes and onions) or fish (but only if roasted). He does not like potatoes, pasta, veggies, pies, casseroles, cheese... nothing that normal human being would eat! There can be three meals at home but if it is not rice & meat, he would cook for himself.

Before we had a child, I used to adjust to his taste and more or less cook what he likes, and then cook for myself occasionaly what I like. Then DS came along, and when DS started eaten normal foods, I came back to my tastes, because is much more variety, because a child needs variety and a child does not need meet 7 times in a week. So nowadays I only cook for myself and DS, we enjoy our food, eat different things, and I am not bothered anymore that DH has to cook for himself because he wouldn't eat my food. I used to offer my food to him or try to convince to eat something which is already cooked but nope! He wouldn't!
As a reason of that we mostly eat separately, because we cook separately and I want DS to eat no later than 7pm, and he usually cooks and eats later.

Last night I got so angry with him because we argued about other things and he moaned how much he is suffering because his wife does not cook for him, how he is a poor miserable thing because of that. I felt weird and angry :( Although I cannot change his taste, but I think DH is being narrow minded and unreasonable, and does not make a single effort like, for example, to eat my food at least once in a week.
It wouldn't much harm for me if I cooked his dish once or twice in a week, I have cooked for him every day in the past, but to be honest I am annoyed that he is the "picky" one and he dares to complain. (This is without mentioning that I am 36 weeks pregnant and already do most things in the house, and am a breadwinner in the family).

It is very sad that because of that, we can't share a joy of having a meal together, our DS doesn't see a good example of parents eating separately, and I cannot think of how much DH is loosing joy in life of being such narrowminded, not to mention selfish to complain that I don't cook for him.

Just wanted to moan, really..

OP posts:
colditz · 06/10/2010 14:28

the answer is "I do cook for you but you choose not to eat the food I cook. Your choice."

colditz · 06/10/2010 14:28

And as you are 36 weeks pregnant and the breadwinner, I wouldn't be cooking for him at ALL.

Does he work?

oneofthosedays · 06/10/2010 14:29

Why can't both of you compromise, you cooking his stuff x amount of times a week and he eats 'your' food x amount of times? He IBU if he won't compromise at all since you seem willing to!

toja555 · 06/10/2010 14:34

colditz, he does work but he earns less so he contributes much less to the family budget.. (I cannot blame him for that).
But he would not compromise on food. He rather stays hungry that eats my food. I wouldn't care if he wouldn't tell me how bad wife I am!

OP posts:
QuintessentialShadows · 06/10/2010 14:36

He sounds like a spoilt child. Either he cooks or he eats what you cook.

foreverastudent · 06/10/2010 14:37

You're the breadwinner (and pg) why is he not cooking you what you want 7 nights a week?

My DP is a veggie but he still cooks steaks etc for me.

colditz · 06/10/2010 14:38

WIFE is a legal status, not a job description.

toja555 · 06/10/2010 14:38

So I should just sit back and ignore his moaning?

OP posts:
cupcakesandbunting · 06/10/2010 14:38

He sounds like a baby. He has hands (I assume) and he has things available to him with which to make something that does suit his fickle taste.

toja555 · 06/10/2010 14:39

foreverastudent, I will ask him this question (why he is not cooking for me) tonight, already preparing to be flamed :)

OP posts:
Chil1234 · 06/10/2010 14:41

He sounds incredibly Victorian expecting a wife to behave like a short-order chef. The grown-up compromise is that you agree to cook the food he likes some of the time and he agrees to eat the food you cook the rest of the time. BTW If he's this selfish/childish in other areas then your relationship will struggle long-term

toja555 · 06/10/2010 14:42

Well he does cook for himself, without moaning, I thought that was fair, but it just came in this yesterday's argument and I really felt bad.

And generally, I guess I feel sorry for him being so picky, and angry that he wouldn't compromise (even if he does not require me to cook).

OP posts:
VivaLeBeaver · 06/10/2010 14:43

I stopped cooking for my DH about 18 months ago. He's vegetarian but very fussy and difficult to cook for, its getting worse. I was fed up of making the effort to cook a vegi meal for him only for him to feed it to the dog as he would say it wasn't nice.

I haven't done anything for him since. I cook for me and DD, serve it up and we eat together. He can sort himself out. I refuse to feel guilty about it. He is an adult and can cook for himself.

duchesse · 06/10/2010 14:46

Or he could take turns every other night doing the cooking. That way you'd both eat what you liked every other day.

You are not his mother!

coraltoes · 06/10/2010 14:46

I'd cook for him, lacing the whole meal with laxatives then sit back and watch the shock. What a tosser. You sound like a saint!

duchesse · 06/10/2010 14:50

coral

toja555 · 06/10/2010 14:56

VivaLeBeaver, I hear you, but don't you think it will affect your relationship somehow?
I stopped cooking too few months ago, I am happy about what me and DS eat, but not happy that we do not share joy of cooking/eating together.

OP posts:
VivaLeBeaver · 06/10/2010 14:59

I think my relationship was suffering more by putting up with the wanky actions of someone who was so snidey and trying to undermine me. I find that ignoring him for days on end is far better!

QueenStromba · 06/10/2010 15:26

Stew is the sort of thing you can make in big batches and freeze as individual portions. It would be easy enough to heat some up in the microwave to be ready at the same time as the food you are making for you and your DC - that way at least you could all eat together a few nights a week.

scouserabroad · 06/10/2010 15:51

OP, this sounds like my Dh right down to the tomatoes & onions with everything! There's only about 3 or 4 meals he will eat, and he dares to complain if he has to have the same thing too often Hmm I stopped cooking for him more than a year ago (after 4 years of cooking tea every evening) and I can't see myself going back to cooking for him tbh Grin He was so picky about what he'd eat and so rude when I hadn't made what he wanted! Refusing to cook has actually made me feel quite liberated actually, it's a way of saying "No, I won't put up with this shit."

My Dh does actually enjoy cooking tho, don't know if that makes a difference. Plus he won't admit it, but I think that he knows that he was being very unreasonable and that I was right to stop cooking!

toja555 · 06/10/2010 15:54

scouserabroad, oh gosh so happy I am not alone in here (with tomatoes & onions) :) Exactly the same with my DH, up to 5 meals max he would eat.
How do you arrange your dinner? Do you eat together different meals?

OP posts:
JaneS · 06/10/2010 16:01

I do agree he's making a silly fuss and sounds lazy too.

But, you sound a bit rude too, saying that the food he likes isn't 'normal'. I can't imagine that makes him feel great! I'm assuming it's what he's used to and has grown up with, so I guess it feels normal to him.

It might also be a bit strange for him seeing his DS not eating the food his dad enjoys.

I have to admit your DP gets my back up a bit on those grounds.

JaneS · 06/10/2010 16:03
  • By DP I meant OP! A freudian slip that betrays my main concern, clearly! Grin
HalfCaff · 06/10/2010 16:06

I do feel for you as this is a difficult situation. I rarely cook for my dh now for various reasons one of which being he is so fussy and wants meat at every meal. He was vegi when I married him and I am still 90% vegi! He on the other hand earns a lot more money than me, works long hours and gets in quite late. In your situation I don't think I would feel so guilty! The weekends can be hardest as we are all eating together - I think it is a REALLY bad example to kids to always only eat your favourite foods, especially when someone else is preparing food for you. It's a no-brainer, isn't it?

saythatagain · 06/10/2010 16:06

Only last week I let my dh know exactly how I felt about cooking form him! He finds, or should I say found now, it hilarious to complain about (nearly) every meal I made. When I confronted him he said her was only joking.....last thing he saw was me doing a Starsky & Hutch out of the drive. Fast forward to two days later - mucho apologies and flowers Shock - no more moaning.

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