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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Refuse to cook for my DH because we like different foods

33 replies

toja555 · 06/10/2010 14:26

It is going to be a long rant.. It is only one of our problems but at the moment is very annoying. DH, I would say, has a very poor taste in food - he only likes some of his ethnical food, which is basically rice & meat all the time!!! Meat can only be chicken, lamb or goat (he does not like pork or beef), and can only be cooked in two ways - either stew with tomatoes and onions, or roasted in oven. Occasionally he would eat beans (but only cooked with tomatoes and onions) or fish (but only if roasted). He does not like potatoes, pasta, veggies, pies, casseroles, cheese... nothing that normal human being would eat! There can be three meals at home but if it is not rice & meat, he would cook for himself.

Before we had a child, I used to adjust to his taste and more or less cook what he likes, and then cook for myself occasionaly what I like. Then DS came along, and when DS started eaten normal foods, I came back to my tastes, because is much more variety, because a child needs variety and a child does not need meet 7 times in a week. So nowadays I only cook for myself and DS, we enjoy our food, eat different things, and I am not bothered anymore that DH has to cook for himself because he wouldn't eat my food. I used to offer my food to him or try to convince to eat something which is already cooked but nope! He wouldn't!
As a reason of that we mostly eat separately, because we cook separately and I want DS to eat no later than 7pm, and he usually cooks and eats later.

Last night I got so angry with him because we argued about other things and he moaned how much he is suffering because his wife does not cook for him, how he is a poor miserable thing because of that. I felt weird and angry :( Although I cannot change his taste, but I think DH is being narrow minded and unreasonable, and does not make a single effort like, for example, to eat my food at least once in a week.
It wouldn't much harm for me if I cooked his dish once or twice in a week, I have cooked for him every day in the past, but to be honest I am annoyed that he is the "picky" one and he dares to complain. (This is without mentioning that I am 36 weeks pregnant and already do most things in the house, and am a breadwinner in the family).

It is very sad that because of that, we can't share a joy of having a meal together, our DS doesn't see a good example of parents eating separately, and I cannot think of how much DH is loosing joy in life of being such narrowminded, not to mention selfish to complain that I don't cook for him.

Just wanted to moan, really..

OP posts:
toja555 · 06/10/2010 16:18

I love meat but even I don't eat meat every day. DH could eat twice in a day, for lunch and for dinner, and then would get bored with it, but wouldn't think of anything else he likes, and would continue with the meat. Amazing. It seems that he has a trouble with himself being too picky!!
I really should stop feeling guilty.

OP posts:
TrillianAstra · 06/10/2010 16:29

Gosh, this would a be a big one for me, I don't think I could marry someone whose tastes were so different to my own. Food should be enjoyable.

SeaTrek · 06/10/2010 16:48

I could have written that myself, with a couple of changes. DH food choices are different to your DHs but still VERY limited.

I gave up trying to cook for us as a whole family ages ago. It is still really frustrating at times though. I absolutely do not feel guilty! If anyone should feel guilty it is DH as far as I am concerned.

YANBU!

JaneS · 06/10/2010 17:05

toja, I think you're in the right, but you do sound a bit smug about what you'll eat and what your DH won't.

Out of interest, does your DS also enjoy the meat/tomatoes/onions style, or not?

Tokyotwist · 06/10/2010 17:13

Culture clash. What's "normal" to you obviously isn't to him. And I suspect this is about more than food. He sounds West African, and if I'm right, then he has likely been brought up believing cooking is a woman's job.

I'm not saying this is right or fair but that would be his culture and therefore his normality.

It is unreasonable for you to expect him to totally fit in with your "normality" and vice versa. You both should compromise. If he isn't willing to do this, then let him cook for himself, and any complaints should just be met with well you could alway compromise and eat with the rest of the family.

I have similar issues in that my DH does not eat spice, while I grew up on it. I have tempered how much I put in our food but I do ocassionally cook my native dishes and he always makes the effort to at least try them. Any he is the ultimate of fussy eaters. It's just plain rude to not even try.

sloanypony · 06/10/2010 17:31

I dont think YABU at all. Particularly given your circumstances regarding being 36 weeks pregnant etc. I dont think who is the breadwinner comes into it really - particularly if you are both working. You are equals in a partnership and should both do a bit of cooking unless one person particularly wants to do it all (like in my house - I dont want him to cook!) though in some situations it makes sense that the person at home does it, as they are there to start it etc, and presumably that is you for the next foreseeable future if you are now on maternity leave though you will also have a newborn to care for.

In light of the fact that it is causing tension, can you have a discussion with him saying that you are happy to cook for him, but that he is not happy to eat what you cook. However, with a new baby on the way, you suggest that together you do a big batch of a few dishes he likes; rice and meat freeze up well, so you can freeze individual portions in plastic bags and defrost and reheat when needed. This approach is very handy when you are having a new baby regardless of food foibles - I always batch cook home made "ready meals" before a new addition, and I'm always glad I did when the new bundle arrives.

Its a compromise, marriage is about compromise. But in essence you are definitely not being unreasonable.

minipie · 06/10/2010 17:53

Well.

From one point of view, YANBU at all. You are both working (in fact you are earning more), therefore you both have equal responsibility for cooking along with all other domestic chores. You have generously offered to cook for him. If he doesn't like what you cook then he can cook for himself.

On the other hand, from your posts, I get the impression that before you married him, and after you married him up until recently, you were willing to do all the cooking and cook for him in the style that he likes. You have now changed your mind. Of course you are entitled to change your mind but you can see how he might feel aggrieved that he no longer gets the "deal" he thought he was getting. So I suppose YAB a bit U to have changed your behaviour without discussing it with him.

I think really you need to say that you used to have time to cook for him and something separate for you when you wanted. Now that you have DS you don't have time. Therefore he will need to cook his own food sometimes, or learn to like yours. Give him a reasoned explanation for why things have changed and why he can't expect you to keep doing what you used to do.

scouserabroad · 06/10/2010 20:36

We don't eat together any more, though we always used to. I'm sad about this but I often felt like I'd served up substandard food in a restaurant and he was an angry customer! And my cooking really isn't that dreadful, although obv disasters do happen (pumpkin mousse, anyone? Confused ) It used to upset me putting time and effort into preparing a meal and he'd throw it away.

Actually in Dh's culture cooking is women's work and I don't think he'd admit to his family that he always cooks at home , but that said his job is cooking related, and he does genuinely like cooking.

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