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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to not want school to make me feel like shit!

32 replies

mrsunreasonable · 06/10/2010 14:07

DS1 has just started the Nursery Class at school prior to this was at full time private nursery as I work. Anyway the nursery only offers half day sessions so the other half a day he goes to Day Care based on same site the staff collect him and a few others from the classroom.

DS1 has been quite upset at the change from his old nursery to this new arrangement and has been crying when I drop him off but is apparantley fine a few minutes after I leave. I've heard this is quite usual and is like blackmail to try and get you to stay.

I have therefore been quite firm but fair, I go in and help him hang his coat up, have a quick look at his work in his draw then a cuddle and a kiss and leave - even tho this breaks my heart as I can hear him crying as I walk down the corridor. One day I could hear him whilst crying tell the teacher I hadn't given him a kiss when infact I had given him several as he kept asking for one more and the teacher knew this! In the end I had to just leave as this one more kiss thing was just another attempt to get me to stay which I can't! The teachers could see me struggling to not cry infront of DS1 and phoned me later on to let me know he had settled fine.

Now the problem is today I do the same morning routine of checking in his draw and talking to him about his work and come across a hand written letter from the teacher that says " Dear Mummy, Please can you remember to give me a kiss before you leave, love from DS1" now I was aready (as every other morning) on the verge of tears BEFORE I read this and was suprised I made it to the car before breaking down!

Am I being over emotional or was this letter unnecessary and a bit unthoughtful as they know me and DS1 are struggling in the mornings!

OP posts:
3littlefrogs · 06/10/2010 14:10

That would really upset me too. Thoughtless IMO. The teacher should have spoken to you tactfully, so that you had the opportunity to reassure her that you ALWAYS give ds a kiss.

SweetCheesus · 06/10/2010 14:12

I'd be really pissed off with this!
My dd was like this, and would swear blind that she hadn't had a kiss, because, like you say, at some point you have to go.

I would probably say something about it - especially as they know how bad you feel about it all anyway!

PosieParker · 06/10/2010 14:14

Perhaps your son wanted to write it, or it was a way to pacify him if he was moaning incessantly about the kiss.....it may not mean, at all, that they think you didn't give him a kiss. My first thought, as an observer carrying no guiltWink, is that this was a way of stopping the tears or whining!!

Cartoose · 06/10/2010 14:15

YANBU. What an underhanded way of communicating with you! Sad I'd say something too.

Tiredmumno1 · 06/10/2010 14:17

I agree that you need to speak to them.

it is a horrible feeling, my ds was like this when he went to nursery. he is now in reception we stay have a quick cuddle, and i give him a kiss and always give him a quick wave from the door, which he is fine with.

i hope your ds starts to settle more, and you manage to sort it with the nursery

moogalicious · 06/10/2010 14:17

What posieparker said. I think the teacher suggested it to keep him quiet. It's too easy to feel guilty as a parent, but I'd say it was harmless.

OrmRenewed · 06/10/2010 14:19

Perhaps it was a way of calming and helping your DS to settle. "I tell you what we'll leave a little not to remind mummy tomorrow".

It's their responsibility to care about your DS's feelings and make him as happy as possible.

PosieParker · 06/10/2010 14:20

(just as an afterthought) The best pre school my dcs have gone and go to is one that doesn't care too much about the adults!! They are so consumed with how my child is doing that the parent is the last thing on their mind, this suits me!! This would be the sort of thing they might do, without a thought for me, but every thought for settling my child.

HumphreyCobbler · 06/10/2010 14:20

It was to help your son, not make you feel bad.

She knows you would have given him a kiss , I expect he was upset and wouldn't let it drop so she did this to cheer him up.

leeloo1 · 06/10/2010 14:21

It would have been written by the teacher/TA because your DS asked them to do so. Teachers would not independently sit and write 'Dear Mummy, love from DS' FFS.

Perhaps they were hoping that in complying with his request and helping him to verbalise his feelings it'd help him to cope with the situation... or perhaps it was to help to distract him from the situation.

For whatever reason, be pleased someone took the time to listen to and then sit with your son and help him to 'write' this letter - and be pleased that your DS wants all the attention/hugs/kisses from you! (however hard it is for you)

Cakesandale · 06/10/2010 14:21

I'm agreeing with Posy. I bet they thought it would calm ds down if he got to do something to remedy the 'situation' that had upset him (even if it didn't actually happen).

if it's upset you I would mention it - but carefully, in a "you do know I always kiss him, don't you?" kind of way. of course you have a right to feel upset, but it's best not to put the teachers' backs up until you know their reasons.

madsadlibrarian · 06/10/2010 14:21

I think nursery teacher did it to placate your DS at the time without thinking through the implications: Essentially if you hang around today because DS makes a fuss - he will make a fuss again tommorrow - as it has the desired effect - you stay for longer. Also the more people make an issue out of your departure, the more importance the child will attach to it. He now has documentary evidence that it is a big event with kisses and everything! If nursery make it as matter of fact as possible, hopefully the children will be encouraged to take the same attitude.

paisleyleaf · 06/10/2010 14:21

I think it's most likely to be as posieparker says too.
Writing the note pacified him at the time.
And you can use that note to make a big deal that you are reading the note and giving him his kiss and there can perhaps be less quibble about it.

TeamEdward · 06/10/2010 14:23

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

emmie31 · 06/10/2010 14:26

I know how you feel, when my son started nursery he used to run after me and cry and press his little teary face against the glass door, it broke my heart... but as all children once I'd left he was happy as Larry and I felt really bad all morning at work. I don't think the nursery meant to upset you further and are probably fully aware you kiss him goodbye and agree with what HumphreyCobbler said. Going through it all again now he's started school Sad

umf · 06/10/2010 14:36

That's revolting and would make me feel terrible.

There's a difference between the teacher leaving the note on her own initiative and DS asking her to leave it, but not so much.

Let's say he was telling her that you'd forgotten to give him a kiss. As you say, she knows that's not true. Surely she should say something along the lines of "Mummy did kiss you, sweetheart. She always kisses you goodbye and she'll be back to pick you up with more kisses. How about we make her a card telling her how much you like your goodbye kiss?"

Not some miserable undermining passive aggressive note suggesting you'd ever just walk out and leave him.

Cartoose · 06/10/2010 14:42

Yes, umf. It's the way it was done.

amberleaf · 06/10/2010 14:43

I agree with posieparker.

amberleaf · 06/10/2010 14:44

But it wasnt written to be given to you was it?

which ties in with it being done to placate/help your son.

agedknees · 06/10/2010 14:49

Agree with posieparker. Also if the teacher phoned you to let you know your ds was ok, it would hardly be likely she left that note for you to read (sounds like a nice teacher).

fizzledrizzle · 06/10/2010 14:52

Very odd.

I can't imagine this, surely if your child asked to write this, then the teacher would put a ps on the note.

Kiss your child in front of the nursery worker and if you can have a word with the person in charge.

emptyshell · 06/10/2010 16:45

Nah they did it JUST to make you feel like shit. They enjoy doing that - of COURSE they've done it to placate your son, they've probably distracted him from the crying by walking him around saying "let's go and write mummy a letter and draw a picture so she always gives you a kiss when she drops you off" or something similar.

Of course - always easier to take offence and think that the school is specifically sitting there thinking of ways to get you isn't it?

Heck we've even had the school secretary dispatched down into class on mum's orders before to give him the kiss she didn't give him as a goodbye (at mum's request)... the look of reaction on the boy in question's face was absolutely priceless - relief, then "what just happened", followed by "Mrs Secretary just kissed me bleurgh", followed by "awww mum sent a kiss - cool"

cumfy · 06/10/2010 20:03

Have a chat with them, I'm sure there is no ill-intent.

What does DS say about it ?

fizzledrizzle · 07/10/2010 07:37

emptyshell - IMO what an unhelpful post.

Goblinchild · 07/10/2010 07:42

'Heck we've even had the school secretary dispatched down into class on mum's orders before to give him the kiss she didn't give him as a goodbye (at mum's request)..'

Grin Wow, that's above and beyond the call of duty? How does that clash with Child Protection issues when other worried mummies come in frothing about secretaries kissing their children?

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