to not want school to make me feel like shit!

[mrsunreasonable]

DS1 has just started the Nursery Class at school prior to this was at full time private nursery as I work. Anyway the nursery only offers half day sessions so the other half a day he goes to Day Care based on same site the staff collect him and a few others from the classroom.

DS1 has been quite upset at the change from his old nursery to this new arrangement and has been crying when I drop him off but is apparantley fine a few minutes after I leave. I've heard this is quite usual and is like blackmail to try and get you to stay.

I have therefore been quite firm but fair, I go in and help him hang his coat up, have a quick look at his work in his draw then a cuddle and a kiss and leave - even tho this breaks my heart as I can hear him crying as I walk down the corridor. One day I could hear him whilst crying tell the teacher I hadn't given him a kiss when infact I had given him several as he kept asking for one more and the teacher knew this! In the end I had to just leave as this one more kiss thing was just another attempt to get me to stay which I can't! The teachers could see me struggling to not cry infront of DS1 and phoned me later on to let me know he had settled fine.

Now the problem is today I do the same morning routine of checking in his draw and talking to him about his work and come across a hand written letter from the teacher that says " Dear Mummy, Please can you remember to give me a kiss before you leave, love from DS1" now I was aready (as every other morning) on the verge of tears BEFORE I read this and was suprised I made it to the car before breaking down!

Am I being over emotional or was this letter unnecessary and a bit unthoughtful as they know me and DS1 are struggling in the mornings!

I would be so pleased if the teachers phoned me to say my same age son was fine. I have to leave mine distraught every am with no one comforting him or distracting him. The letter was obviously written to help your son. It's bizarre for anyone to think that a teacher would write pretending to be your son to criticise you. They would talk to you directly as you do the drop off or write you a note from them.

The teacher shouldn't have bothered, or should have sneaked into his drawer and destroyed the note during the day.
I think the OP is being over-emotional and perhaps isn't yet comfortable with her son being in nursery.
She may be unconsciously feeling that others will be criticising her parenting. So it's easier to point the finger at the nursery staff first, and call them thoughtless and insensitive.

I'm inclined to agree with posie
Perhaps you need to 'reinforce' the kiss goodbye by saying something like 'big kiss' to ds when you do it. If you make a slightly bigger thing of it hopefully he'll remember he has had a goodbye kiss (and the teacher will notice to, although I doubt there was any malicious intent in the original note).
Hope he settles soon.

Hi, Thanks for all your replies. Yes I am being over emotional I have just returned to work after maternity leave for DS2 who is just 6 months. So miss him terribly along with having to leave my distraught 3 year old at nursery and rush off while all the other mummies seem to have forever to spend chatting to the teachers, the other parents etc.

I didn't actually think about them using the letter to calm him down but as he can't read they could have written anything like "Dear Mummy, I settled fine after a few minutes and seem to enjoy nursery so please dont worry about me" but I guess I am over thinking the whole thing now.

Thanks for all the replies tho they have helped me see things from a more rational point of view.

If anyone is still reading does anyone have any hints to help him settle I have tried bribes like "If you go in with no tears today we can do such and such after school" etc but he just says he doesn't want to do whatever I suggest even if it is his favourite thing in the whole world! Nothing seems to be helping - any ideas?

hello
he will slowly grow out of it if none of the "techniques" are working. Rather than make him look forward to something after school, maybe make him look forward to something during the school day. Get an idea of what the school menu is and say "ooh DS tomorrow lunch you get chocolate cake for pudding! I want you to enjoy it and let me know how good it is, maybe we could make our own on the weekend" or "ooh tomorrow i see you are going to do X do you remember how much fun that is? I bet you cant wait for it!"

Create some excitement for him in the upcoming school day. Maybe that could work!

I agree with other posters who said they did it to placate your son and didn't realise it would upset you.

DS (nearly 3) went through a funny clingy phase recently. He's been at nursery since he was 1 and was fine about being left but then I went on a training course for a few days so it was DP or my mum doing the drop offs/pick ups and it really threw him. He was clingy and teary for ages after that.

What really helped us letting him wave at me through the window. A member of staff would lift him up and I'd go out, wave, pull funny faces, blow kisses etc and then go. He'd be fine after that. He'd still be a bit clingy before I went but the waving was a good distraction.

We've been doing that for a few weeks and this morning, he just marched in and sat himself down in the book corner with the other kids. I didn't even get my kiss and cuddle!

Doing the same thing every morning is helpful too, as is talking about all the fun things he'll do at nursery. I pretend to grumble "mummy's got to go to boring work and you get to go to nursery and play in the garden, do painting etc etc"

He also takes his special teddy in with him sometimes if asks for it. Maybe your DS could take a small toy in his pocket?

Agree with coraltoes - make it exciting and keep sounding upbeat about it (however hard it is for you! :().

As an (ex) Reception teacher we sometimes used to have to drag parents away from a couple of screaming children in the 1st few weeks - awful, awful, awful! But it usually works best with a quick positive hug, kiss, goodbye and a teacher/TA around to distract them quickly with exciting toy etc. Talk to the staff and get them onside to help with the distraction (if they aren't already) - sometimes giving them a made up 'task' to do works well (depending on the child) - go with TA to office to fetch x, get all the cars out onto the mat... if nothing is obvious then ask him to put his own coat/bag away and say when you come back you'll ask how he got on.

:( for you, but it does get easier. :)