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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to dispute sleeping arrangements in exes house?

34 replies

bundlebelly · 06/10/2010 10:51

My 11 year old daughter has a good relaionship with her dad and stays over there some weekends. All quite flexible and friendly and I don't want to stir the poo, BUT now he has a girlfriend, and thinks he is being thoughtful in not not having girlfriend sleeping in with him while our daughter is there. (He's been seeing her about 4 - 5 months and seems serious) But his alternative suggestion is that she can sleep in with my daughter! They have only met once! I think this is disrespectful to them both. We can't seem to communicate at the moment without falling out, and we have always been on relatively good terms. So upset. But I'm pregnant and emotional at the moment. Don't know if I can trust my feelings. Any opionions welcomed.

OP posts:

AlgebraKnocksItUpANotchBAM · 06/10/2010 10:53

I really don't see the problem with your ex and his new girlfriend sharing a bed, IF they are serious?

after all you're pregnant (congratulations obviously!) so you must've slept with somebody else... :)

ChippingIn · 06/10/2010 10:54

Well, personally, as he's been seeing her for 4-5 months, I don't see the problem with her sharing your ex's bed. However, it's a bit odd that in all that time your DD has only met her once? Anyway, why can't one of them sleep on the settee? Or would your DD sleep with her Dad? I think the GF and your DD sleeping together is the weirdest option of the lot tbh.

Firawla · 06/10/2010 10:54

it would be better for the gf just to sleep in with him than putting in with your dd which is weird. surely she wants her space

AlgebraKnocksItUpANotchBAM · 06/10/2010 10:55

sorry I hope that didn't seem rude

what I mean is, it is more 'normal' for a man to sleep in the same bed as his girlfriend. making her sleep in a different room just makes more of an issue out of it IMO.

Silver1 · 06/10/2010 10:56

YANBU-If your ex is worried about his daughter seeing him in bed with another woman then he needs to shift his attitude a notch or ask her to spend the week-ends else where. They haven't fully moved in together after 5 months have they?

Anenome · 06/10/2010 10:56

YANBU! Not at all!

colditz · 06/10/2010 10:57

What? if his girlfriend normally share a bed, they should continue to share a bed! It's nor being thoughtful to kick his girlfriend out because his daughter is there, it's being weird.

And like hell would I kip in with an 11 year old girl!

zingzillachinchilla · 06/10/2010 11:03

Let me get my small brain around this - your ex doesn't want to share a bed with his DP, and is suggesting that instead, his DP shares with your DD? What is his rationale for doing this, is it:

(a) he thinks it will be kinder to his DD if she doesn't see him sharing a bed with someone else, or
(b) he thinks you will have a problem with him sharing a bed with his DP when DD is around.

I'm guessing you'd rather your DD didn't have to share with his new DP, in which case just tell him so? I really can't see why he would object?

I'm with colditz here too - why would the DP want to do this?? I'd be running a mile (or staying in my own bed until he realised how daft he is being)

AlgebraKnocksItUpANotchBAM · 06/10/2010 11:08

I'm a stepmum BTW and DH and I always shared a bed. Only rules we had were - always wear PJs :o
and no activities while they're staying.

gaelicsheep · 06/10/2010 11:09

There is no way I would have been kicked out of my own bed for the sake of DH's DD. Either they are in a relationship or they're not.

Original poster

bundlebelly · 06/10/2010 14:46

Yes. I know it is all a bit weird in some ways. Hence my confusion.
I suppose my ex is trying to do what I did in that I didn't let new partner sleep over until 6 months into the relationship and that was in the spare room! I had split from my ex 2 years previous to meeting new bf. We always agreed to focus on our child before a new relationship as we had both been set really bad examples from our parents, and suffered as a consequence. The dd hasn't met the gf because she lives miles away, so although they are serious they don't really have that much time together and they were waiting for right time to meet. The problem is she is a lot younger than he is and hence I can't really see it working out long term, but I suppose thats a different issue. I have since got married and had a baby and another on the way. My oldest daughter's home has always been with me, and I've been lucky so far in that all the adults get on ok and my dd is a happy secure child. I just don't feel comfortable with the new arrangement. My ex means well but just hasn't got a clue. He just doesn't get that it is a problem for me. The new gf probably doesn't know the plan yet, and I hope she isn't too young to voice how she might feel about it! I think he should sleep on the sofa. Or maybe I'll just sidestep the whole thing and suggest that they hardly ever get a whole weekend together (as she lives miles away) and dd just stays home this weekend. Thanks for all the opinions by the way.

OP posts:

ChippingIn · 06/10/2010 16:07

To be honest bundle - I think you should just 'let' them sleep together, presumably your daughter knows they have been together for a while now (so not a one night stand), so why would it be an issue for her? (you?)

You might be right, it might not last, but I don't think it's right to stop your DD going this weekend because of that.

You might want to ask your Ex if he'd rather not have DD overnight this weekend if they don't get to see a lot of each other (him & the gf) so they have a bit of time to themselves too - but that's a different issue.

sloanypony · 06/10/2010 16:15

I think you should butt out and accept that your ex is in a serious enough relationship and that at 11, your daughter shouldn't be too freaked out by it.

Just let it go.

Tippychoocks · 06/10/2010 16:20

No, the OP is not saying that the GF cannot sleep with ExH, he is saying it, right? The only butting-in she is doing is to say that the GF shouldn't bunk in with her DD.

Or do I have it arseways?

Tippychoocks · 06/10/2010 16:21

Oh sorry, slow puter and x posted.
You also think they should not share OP?

ChippingIn · 06/10/2010 16:51

Tippy, in her last post Bundle said

I just don't feel comfortable with the new arrangement

I think he should sleep on the sofa. Or maybe I'll just sidestep the whole thing and suggest that they hardly ever get a whole weekend together (as she lives miles away) and dd just stays home this weekend

Tippychoocks · 06/10/2010 16:54

Yes, thanks Chipping. Slow computer and slow brain. I thought from the OP that it was just the ex who was suggesting the weird sleeping arrangements. Am (nearly) caught up now......

Ahem, YABU.

prozacfairy · 06/10/2010 16:58

What is the issue with them sharing a bed while DD is there? Why make something like this an issue?

JoBettany · 06/10/2010 17:00

I don't think you can complain about what happens in your exes house. I am sure you wouldn't welcome his opinions on your living arrangements either.

I am sorry but I do think YABU.

Original poster

bundlebelly · 06/10/2010 17:08

Ok.
He is the one saying that they shouldn't sleep together while dd is there, YET, and I agree with this.

But I don't like the idea of gf bunking in with dd. Which is why I like the sofa idea or avoidanceof the weekend.

We both think that there should be loads of time and chances to get to know each other more before kids need to know about partners sleeping in parents beds. But I know lots of people disagree with this. I just know what its like as a child to have to cope with the alternatives to this.

OP posts:

2rebecca · 06/10/2010 17:31

Will your daughter and your ex's partner be in the same bed or just the same bedroom?
I think him sleeping with his partner makes the most sense. I don't get this 6 month rule.

Diamondback · 06/10/2010 17:43

Apart from the fact that it's just weird, you could point out to your Ex that it will make your DD uncomfortable to share a room with a complete stranger (and an adult stranger at that) and that she is likely to resent the GF if she has to give up having her own room and her own space.

BitOfFun · 06/10/2010 17:53

I really don't understand why it is inappropriate or damaging to your dd for her father to share a bed with his girlfriend. What am I missing?

And I can't see this woman sticking around for long if they rarely see each other and when they do, she has to pretend they don't have sex. Weird.

BitOfFun · 06/10/2010 17:54

Actually, scratch that. There's no pretending about it, is there? I wonder if she realizes your ex has planned for a chaste weekend?

nancydrewrocked · 06/10/2010 18:03

YABU.

I understand the concept of the 6 month rule especially in the early confusing months after you split but you are taking it to far.

You have moved on, you ex is an adult as is presumably his girlfriend and they have been in a relationship for a while.

It really is none of your business and I would suspect the reason your DH is talking about sofas/GF sharing with DD is that he is concerened that you will sugest DD doesn't visit if he wants GF in bed with him.

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