to dispute sleeping arrangements in exes house?

[bundlebelly]

My 11 year old daughter has a good relaionship with her dad and stays over there some weekends. All quite flexible and friendly and I don't want to stir the poo, BUT now he has a girlfriend, and thinks he is being thoughtful in not not having girlfriend sleeping in with him while our daughter is there. (He's been seeing her about 4 - 5 months and seems serious) But his alternative suggestion is that she can sleep in with my daughter! They have only met once! I think this is disrespectful to them both. We can't seem to communicate at the moment without falling out, and we have always been on relatively good terms. So upset. But I'm pregnant and emotional at the moment. Don't know if I can trust my feelings. Any opionions welcomed.

Thanks everyone for your input, it is both reassuring and challenging to hear different points of view in this way. Really interesting and given me food for thought.

A bit of step-mum input here - sometimes you can overthink things in an effort not to offend anyone - perhaps ex is just trying too hard?

It's good though, that he's not just sticking two fingers in yours and your childs face, saying 'this is my life, get over it'. It might seem odd, but thought has gone into it, and from my side of the river, it's hard sometimes to know what's best for all concerned.

So nice to see you taking a calm non-judgemental view of this and rationally working it out before deciding whether it's worth causing upset over.

Tell him your fine with them sleeping together?

Hmm, another case solved by people TALKING TO EACH OTHER.

Have either of you asked DD what she thinks/would prefer?
I think at 11, and having already had the experience of 1 parent moving on to a new, serious relationship she's old enough to have some input herself tbh.

If you think he's trying to be thoughtful then just point out that it'd be less awkward for everyone involved if the gf just slept in his bed. The daughter most likely won't want to share with the gf, ditto the gf and you ex would probably rather sleep with his gf. Worst of both worlds for everyone concerned when really he's finding a solution to a problem that doesn't exist.

Heracles - that's a helpful comment

Of course most problems can be solved by talking to the other person, but what is so wrong with asking for opinions before doing so?

& why should she 'tell then she's fine with them sleeping together' when she isn't?

MQ - at the moment Bundle still isn't happy with them sleeping together, so he's not trying to find a solution to a problem that doesn't exist - his problem is trying to keep DD, Bundle & his GF all happy (poor bloke!). There's only 'not a problem' if Bundle can get her head around the idea that it's not really a bad thing.

UPDATE!
Having had a big think about all this, there has been some text communication about it all going on. He acknowledges that it wouldn't be fair on either of them for gf to sleep in dd's room, and has said he will sleep on sofa. I think I have had a change of mind about it and have told him that I haven't got a problem with ex sharing bed with gf. After all, dd is 11 now, not 4 which she was when I got together with man now my dh, and she has a better understanding of things. Plus she has heard him talking about how much he loves gf. He is serious about her and even if they split at some point, dd knows that there is a relationship there. Haven't heard back yet. It is up to him really, but feel happier knowing that dd's room is her own, and she doesn't have to share with adult she hardly knows. Thanks again for input everyone.

Good move on your part, I think. And nice that he was trying to be considerate too. I'm sure it will all be fine.

Brilliant :)

I'm glad you are happy with the outcome. What he now chooses to do is up to him isn't it - but at least he's making his own choice and isn't being 'confined' by your your opinion - which is good x

Well done you!