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Original poster

Not to say I love you to my in laws

28 replies

yellowflowers · 05/10/2010 19:17

My in laws tell me they love me as a daughter and also whenever they call they say goodbye by saying I love you. It's very sweet but I don't feel I can say it back. I am not their daughter, I am their daughter in law, though I very much appreciate the sentiment. But I don't love them as parents though I like them as adults and respect them as my dh's parents and am fond of them in their own right. Is it wrong of me not to say 'I love you' back to them? I know I am very lucky to have this relationship with them - you don;t have to tell me that, but just wondered what you think about the 'love' thing.

OP posts:
frgr · 05/10/2010 19:19

it's not wrong

you should do whatever you are comfortable with, otherwise it's just fake. and whilst faking saying "i love you" to them might make them feel better, it wouldn't be genuine (as much as you care for them)

AnyFucker · 05/10/2010 19:20

I think you shouldn't force yourself to say something that doesn't come naturally

Some families do the "I love you" stuff as a sign-off to phone calls, visits etc

None of mine do....unless under exceptional circumstances (we have just had a traumatic family bereavement, for instance)

I do tend to think, personally, saying "I love you" constantly, somehow dilutes the message

But I am a curmudgeonly old bat

serin · 05/10/2010 19:21

I was a bit taken aback when DH's family used to say this to me! I am Northern and they are soft Southerners, however I now say it back and mean it. Love grows.

PrettyCandles · 05/10/2010 19:24

Don't say it unless you feel comfortable saying it.

But I think that, given what you have said about your ILs, you may find as the years go by that love grows and that you end up loving them. Not in the same way as you love your parents, of course, but then you don't love your dh in the same way as you love your parents, either. So be open to the possibility of change...

TotorosOcarina · 05/10/2010 19:26

I tell my MIL i love her because I do.

I'd never say it to FIL.

Don't say it if you don't want to.

piscesmoon · 05/10/2010 19:26

I wouldn't worry-I never say it to anyone in phone calls-it doesn't come naturally. I am very like AnyFucker-obviously an old bat too! Actions speak louder than words to me.

DetectivePotato · 05/10/2010 19:28

YANBU. I don't love my ILs. They are part of DH's family obviously and I respect that. They are nice enough people but I don't love them. Luckily they don't say it to me and if they did I certainly wouldn't say it back. No one in my family ever tells anyone they love them (I am determined not to be like that with DS).

NanBullen · 05/10/2010 19:28

Dh's grandma used to say this to me but as i never said it back it's kind of died a death so to speak! I don't say I love you to my own parents so i'm not saying it to anyone elses!

I find the hugs when i meet up with the in laws (and dh's brothers and sisters and step brothers and sisters who he hardly knows!) quite trying too. I come from a family that doesn't "do" physical affection and never has. which i'm fine with, I find it excrutiating, all the hugs and it seems to take ages whenever we say goodbye!

I reserve my hugs (and I love yous) for ds, dh and my niece. I'm clearly an emotionally stunted person Grin.

giveitago · 05/10/2010 19:28

My df always says 'god bless' at the end of every phone convo. I'm not his religion and so I don't feel the need to say it back. He doesn't feel the need for me to say it back either so no issues.

Your ils sound lovely but I'm sure a convo with you is nice and they feel your respect and you don't need to state your love.

MissMarjoribanks · 05/10/2010 19:28

YANBU - don't say it if you don't mean it. I would never say it to my ILs because it is just not true. Are they trying to make you say it back, or do you just feel that you should because they do?

My FIL said after my wedding 'you're our daughter now'. This made me shudder - I'm not their daughter, I'm my own parents' daughter. Though tbh in my case it was all about him gaining control and pushing my family out of the picture as much as possible. He's backed off now he knows it won't happen.

MIL always tries to kiss me when I leave. It makes me desperately uncomfortable and however hard I try not to show it, I do. My DH squirms as well when she does it to him, so I think I have a reasonable excuse.

Firawla · 05/10/2010 19:29

I wouldn't say it if you're not comfy with it, as others said over time maybe you will change your feelings though. Have they said anything about you not saying it? If not I wouldn't worry

my FIL is very strange in a few ways, about a week after getting married he came along complaining that I love my dh more than them and proceeded to try to work out the "percentages" they each should have, of love Shock - I find "demanding" people to love you more, really tends to put them off and have the opposite effect!

but yours sound nice, so i wouldn't worry about it too much, dont force yourself to behave how you wouldn't normally

DurhamDurham · 05/10/2010 19:33

On the phone I will say "I love you" to my DH, DD1, DD2, my six nieces and my mum and dad. That's it. I do love my father-in-law but haven't told him, he prob knows though. Don't much like mother-in-law and she hates me so don't say much to her at all!

moominmarvellous · 05/10/2010 19:37

YANBU to not want to say it back. Nice that they're nice though.

Mine are nice too, but I remember when we got married there was some talk that perhaps FIL could give me away as my Dad died when I was younger. I think they meant well, but it pissed me off a bit. I just dodged the issue and had my Mum do it as I'd always wanted. So I understand how niceness can seem overbearing.

Poor buggers can't win with us lot can they? Grin

lynniep · 05/10/2010 19:39

I only say this to my DH and my kids. I wasnt brought up in a 'lovey dovey' way and we never said this in our family. When I got my new family i.e. aquired my step family whom my dad met when I was around 6, I was constantly squirming at how much blatant affection their was, both physically and verbally. Its just the way i was brought up, and I always thought it was nice, but still felt uncomfortable. These days I make the effort to say it to my kids and hubby because I want my children to be comfortable with it, but definately no-one else, not even my step-family!

nameymcnamechange · 05/10/2010 19:40

I never tell anyone I love them apart from my dc, all the time. (And occasionally my dh Grin, if he has been extra-nice). So I hear where you are coming from. I've never understood why people need to end every phone conversation with "I love you".

Having said all that, I hope you are not putting barriers up to actually loving your in-laws just because they are not your parents. I have grown to love my in-laws very much. They mean a great deal to me. In many ways I much prefer their company to my own parents!

wouldliketoknow · 05/10/2010 19:43

yanbu
my dil and mil love me as a daughter, and i love them too,but we are not the kind of people that say constantly i love you, we all are just really nice to each other...

they are just words, the important thing is the everyday acts... they love you, good,...

NothingButTheTeuch · 05/10/2010 19:45

I'm so glad that they are nice and loving towards you. I don't think you have to say it back, however I wonder how you will feel if they stop saying it IYSWIM? Could you just acknowledge it (with a thank you?) or is it more of a standard sign-off?

Sometimes, when people express a higher level of affection than I am happy with I mutter a 'right back atcha' kind of thing Hmm

For me, my IL's are lucky I don't tell them "fuck you" at the end of every conversation... Wink

NothingButTheTeuch · 05/10/2010 19:47

Oh, and I do end most conversations with my close family with a 'love you', because I live away from them and I genuinely feel like saying it when I speak to them!

SalFresco · 05/10/2010 19:48

YANBU, although your in-laws sound lovely!
DH has two brothers, and both their wives call our mutual MIL "Mum" which I find deeply weird. I know MIL would like it if I did too, but I have a mum already. And we're not Northern either (I get the impression this is more common oop north, but this is probably wildly off the mark!)

DetectivePotato · 05/10/2010 19:52

NanBullen you are not emotionally stunted at all. I am exactly the same. I hug and kiss my nan and step grandad (and would like to my dad, but it just feels 'awkward') and my brothers but I feel very uncomfortable when my ILs come and hug and kiss me (and MIL gropes my belly, but that was a whole other thread recently). I don't really like it at all as I am not a tactile person and I don't like people 'invading' my space.

I am very distant really.

DetectivePotato · 05/10/2010 19:52

Not distant with DS though. That goes without saying.

Original poster
yellowflowers · 05/10/2010 20:34

Hi - pleased you don't all think I am being unreasonable. They don;t seem to expect it back - I just say 'me too' when they say it but not the actual words. Perhaps it is because dh is only child - I am the daughter they never had!!

They are lovely - also intensely irritating at times and not really on my wavelength. But that is by the by - so many people have awful in laws I feel lucky to have nice enough ones.

OP posts:
nelliesmum · 05/10/2010 20:36

I felt 1 million times better on the day I realised that it wasn't necessary to love my MIL, we could have a perfectly good relationship with me just...whatever, got over the guilt thing!
Adore my FIL though...

annapolly · 06/10/2010 11:33

YANBU

My Fil told me on the day I got married that I could call him Dad.

I had previously been instructed to address him as Mr Polly. Using his christian name being far too familiar.

I spent 2o years avoiding calling him anything as he was not my Dad.

Eventually when I was looking after him as he had emphysema, he said you have spent 20 years calling me OY, I think you can use my name now.

From this moment on I called him Dad.

I think you should keep your "I love you" until you mean it.

WannabeNigella · 06/10/2010 11:50

Yellowflowers - Just curious, you say you don't love them as parents, but don't you love them at all? (Not saying that you should).

I don't love my in laws "like parents" but I do love them, they are part of our family and although MIL drives me crazy sometimes I do love them.

Just noticed your wording really and wondered if you felt you needed to love them as parents to say that you love them, which of course you don't.