Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to not tell anyone I'm pregnant!

28 replies

alphablock · 05/10/2010 16:56

First time poster, so please be gentle. Am just over 5 weeks, but had a miscarriage recently so don't want to tell anyone until after first scan. Fair enough I guess, but AIBU not to tell my husband.

My only reason for not saying anything is that I don't want anyone to worry about me and also don't want to spend hours talking about baby names etc. until I am more sure all will be OK this time.

Already have one child and money etc. not a prob, but had more or less given up trying for another child as I am over 40 so am still in a state of shock.

Have booked an appointment at docs so not completely in denial!

OP posts:
Northernlurker · 05/10/2010 16:58

YABU. It's his baby too and he has a right to know what's happening with his wife. He will worry about you whether he knows or not and I think it would be very bad for your relationship if you don't share this. Absolutely fine not to tell anyone else though.

Good luck Smile

Northernlurker · 05/10/2010 16:59

Oh and he WILL work it out - and be upset I expect - that you didn't want to tell him.

soppypreggyloon · 05/10/2010 17:01

tell him!

he'll be a great support - especially if you explain you don't want to get too carried away till 12 weeks etc.

fwiw dh would have assumed i was dying if he didn't know i was pg what with the crazy hormones, exhaustion, puking all the time etc Grin
i'm only 11ish weeks!

LowLevelWhiingeing · 05/10/2010 17:01

Wouldn't your husband want to support you if (god forbid) you did miscarry? Would you want to be unable to tell him you were upset?

Congratulations on your pregnancy, and good luck Smile

AMumInScotland · 05/10/2010 17:02

I agree you really ought to tell your husband - its too important not to share with him, and he'll see your grief anyway if it should go wrong again.

But don't feel you have to mention it to anyone else at this stage.

TotorosOcarina · 05/10/2010 17:03

Tell him, because if you do have another mcyou will have to tell him then its just a double blow :(

I'm sure everything will be fine and your husband will want to support you!!

Hope all goes well.

PrettyCandles · 05/10/2010 17:03

Difficult to completely understand your attitude - though not judging it. When I was in your position (I had two early miscarriages between dc2 and dc3) I wanted my dh to know so that he could hold my hand. There is no need to sit on the edge of this precipice alone. Even if you don't discuss the pgcy, you know that he s hoping and willing it to continue as well.

But also you must consider your dh's POV: this is his baby, too, and his love. if worst came to the worst, how gutted he would be to learn that you had kept it secret from him.

prozacfairy · 05/10/2010 17:03

I can see your logic but do think you should tell your husband. It'll be nice to have this little secret that you both keep together. Just because you tell him now doesn't mean you have to start telling everyone else now or talking about baby names now.

Best wishes hope it all goes well.

proudnglad · 05/10/2010 17:04

Actually I think it's entirely up to you and there's no right or wrong. But I bet you won't be able to keep it for long let alone another 7 weeks!

Congrats and fingers crossed

SulisMum · 05/10/2010 17:06

give it a couple of days if you like - after all you are only 5 weeks so presumably you've only just missed your period. But I would tell him v soon.

SeaTrek · 05/10/2010 17:11

YANBU not to tell everyone else. YABU to keep it from your DH though. Let him know how you are feeling about it though.

Igglybuff · 05/10/2010 17:14

Tell your DH. you're in it together!

Firawla · 05/10/2010 17:21

I would tell dh but noone else
would be v understandable if he was hurt and upset by you not telling him, if you tell him @ 12 weeks he could be upset you waited so long and may spoil the effect of him being happy about the pregnancy if he was hurt by that. and if you did mc (hopefully not!) he may still find out and you may be glad of the support from him too?

SauvignonBlanche · 05/10/2010 17:24

Tell your DH, it's his joy or grief too but then of course you can keep it to yourself.
After a late m/c I told nobody until 20weeks.
Good luck! Smile

Saucepanman · 05/10/2010 17:26

Tell him, he will want to support you and probably be upset at you dealing with/worrying about things on your own. Your call when to tell others though.

Congrats and good luck Smile

Original poster
alphablock · 05/10/2010 17:47

Thanks everyone. There is a bit more back story to this, but wanted to keep details brief as DH has recently discovered how entertaining AIBU is and may well read this.

The problem is that after mc he started to get panic attacks and I'm worried this could set him off again. I was hoping to shield him from worry for a few weeks. I would of course tell him if I miscarried, but I was hoping I could have an early scan (at 8 or 9 weeks - had missed mc at 11 weeks last time) and then tell him one way or the other once I've seen or not seen a heartbeat. Would tell him before 12 weeks so he could come to dating scan.

Will have a think tonight.

OP posts:
LowLevelWhiingeing · 06/10/2010 13:34

It's very sweet of you to want to protect him, but he is a grown man and this is his child too. I would be so upset if my partner had seen the first scan images without me.

Hope you are both OK.

ChippingIn · 06/10/2010 13:41

I can see why you are thinking about doing this. Only you know how your husband will feel if you don't tell him straight away. Do you think he might then worry more, worrying about what else you are keeping from him - if you really are OK when you say you are etc...

Don't envy you this rock/hardplace decision!

Best wishes for your pregnancy x

nocake · 06/10/2010 13:41

I can see how you're thinking of his well being but how will he feel when he does find out?

taintedpaint · 06/10/2010 14:28

You sound very sweet, but I think you should tell him. I do understand where you're coming from, but I'm sure he would want to know.

Congratulations and all good wishes for your pregnancy. x

Original poster
alphablock · 06/10/2010 20:54

Thanks everyone.

DH is totally fantastic and I am sure he won't be cross with me whatever I do, but I just feel really torn between desparately wanting to share the secret and not wanting to send him into a panic.

He's going on a business trip next week so he's stressed already (hates flying) so I've decided to tell him when he gets back (will be 7 weeks by then). I think you are all right and I shouldn't have a scan without him.

Morning sickness is getting worse by the day (luckily only actually been sick once and he was out, but feel like I could be sick again anytime) so you never know he may guess anyway!

OP posts:
notanumber · 06/10/2010 21:23

I asked the exact same thing on this thread about a year ago. I got lots of great advice that you might find useful to read.

I've got absolutely everything crossed for you alphablock.

PS - my dilema is now known as DD, who is is three months old tomorrow!

2rebecca · 06/10/2010 21:34

I would tell husband but not other people until 12 week scan.
Waiting to tell him until after business trip if he works himself into a tizz sounds sensible, although it does sound a bit as though you are mothering him and taking on the role of "sensible partner" which isn't good.
If he starts going on about baby names etc just tell him to wait until after the scan.
He sounds quite hard work to be honest.

Original poster
alphablock · 06/10/2010 22:09

Sorry, I must have made DH sound like a loon. He really isn't hard work and had never had any anxiety issues until after the MC (just not keen on flying). In fairness he probably won't go on about baby names - it will probably be me! In fact I wonder if I am actually trying to protect myself by pretending it's not happening and trying not to think about it. Going to docs tomorrow though so it will definitely seem more real then.

Notanumber, thanks for the link. So pleased it worked out for you - I do love a happy ending.

OP posts:
ChippingIn · 07/10/2010 16:15

Have you been to the Drs yet?

I don't think you made your DH sound like a loon, nor hard work - some people around here are just not prone to thinking about other peoples feelings :)

Swipe left for the next trending thread