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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Can I retract this favour?

51 replies

SupposedToBeWorking · 05/10/2010 11:32

Sorry this is long.

It's my birthday on Sunday. DP and I are going to a singing workshop nearby.

Friday evening we're going to see my parents, 2 hours away. We're coming home early enough on Saturday evening to not be too tired Sunday Wink

My friend who lives in the same village as my parents has just called. She has a new boyfriend who lives about 10 miles from me. She wants me to give him a lift one or both directions. He would get a bus to/from my area. He doesn't drive, and to visit my friend he normally gets a bus and she picks him up - about a 45 minute drive for her.

Basically, I don't want to. I know it sounds daft, but - DP and I LOVE going in the car together. We always have fun in the car, and it's where we dissect the world and our reltaionship too. DP has been looking forward to going in the car to my parents for a week already! I don't want a gooseberry there, tbh.

If I were driving on my own, I also wouldn't really want to, but I wouldn't feel strongly enough to refuse.

My friend has form for making unreasonable requests of others. When she called I couldn't tell whether this is one of those times or whether my feelings were completely childish.

So I didn't tell her I don't want to. I thought of an excuse for Friday - that I really won't know when I'm leaving until the minute before I leave, and I don't want to be waiting for someone else's bus - but I couldn't think of one for the Saturday. She said the boyfriend would maybe get a bus (but maybe still want to arrange to come with us) on Thursday or Friday, but a lift back would be great. I expect she called to tell him immediately.

Can't speak to DP until late tonight. I just don't want to do it. I really want to whine in a toddler voice, 'But it's my birthday' but that's a red herring because I don't want a gooseberry any time Grin

Can I get out of it somehow or do I just have to suck it up?

OP posts:
Plumm · 05/10/2010 11:36

What a strange request from your friend. If you don't want to do it then just say it's inconvenient because you don't know what time you'll be leaving. There's no need to give her the ins and out of your whole weekend.

Have a lovely birthday!

Caboodle · 05/10/2010 11:38

I know what you mean about time together; sometimes the only time DH and I get to chat is when we are driving - I also look forward to long journeys for this reason :) Yanbu.

mumoffourgirls · 05/10/2010 11:39

Just tell her no, im sorry not sure of travelling times and you just want to spend some alone time with your DP....
Happy Birthday Grin

Myleetlepony · 05/10/2010 11:40

Just tell her that you want to leave the day flexible, it's your birthday and you don't know what you might end up doing. If she insists just tell her straight, apart from the above, you and DP are looking forward to having some time alone together. (She'll probably wonder what you are planning to get up to on the way home, but that's not a problem is it?).

TrillianAstra · 05/10/2010 11:41

Have you already said yes?

Original poster
SupposedToBeWorking · 05/10/2010 11:41

Thanks, I thought I was being weird and mean.

I'm getting up the nerve to call her. I think she'll understand if I tell her he'll be a bit of a gooseberry. English isn't his first language though, and he's a chef, so quite how he'll interpret that news I don't know!

OP posts:
Original poster
SupposedToBeWorking · 05/10/2010 11:42

Trillian, I haven't said no. I pretty much didn't say anything, but she will have taken that as a yes.

OP posts:
loopyloops · 05/10/2010 11:44

Ummm, why is that an unreasonable request? Am I right in that you are driving quite a distance, where he needs a lift? Just do it. Or, if not, just say so. Is it that difficult?

bobblehat · 05/10/2010 11:46

If you don't want to do it, don't do it.

Could you get your dp to call her and say that you've told him the plan, but he has a suprise organised on the way back so not convenient?

Have a fantastic birthday, doing what you want to do!

taintedpaint · 05/10/2010 11:47

YADNBU, I enjoy my time in the car, whether I'm with someone else or not. I wouldn't agree to it in the first place probably, but it seems like you were a bit blindsided, so to speak. I give lifts to people all the time, but for longer journeys, I hate being stuck with someone I don't know.

Have you turned her down before when she's made unreasonable requests? And what kind of requests does she normally make? !

Most importantly though! Have a very happy birthday! Grin

taintedpaint · 05/10/2010 11:48

bobblehat has a great idea!

LadyBiscuit · 05/10/2010 11:50

Bobblehat's idea is good - get your DP to call her saying he wants to take you out to dinner on the way home so you can't give her boyfriend a lift. How weird of her to ask in the first place though

TrillianAstra · 05/10/2010 11:50

Tell her 'no, sorry' ASAP so she can make other arrangements. You shouldn't have to give a reason but if you do want to I like bobblehat's idea (and if you don't like lying DP will have to come up with something :))

Original poster
SupposedToBeWorking · 05/10/2010 12:46

I called her. That has to have been the shortest phone call between us in history!

Said that time in the car is time for me and DP and I don't want someone else there. She went a bit cat's bum mouth but I'm relieved I said no. She hadn't spoken to her boyfriend yet, so concrete plans don't have to be changed.

Taintedpaint, the unreasonable requests aren't usually made of me. Most times, in fact, they're not even requests but assumptions. She has never left home - she's 30. Her parents bend over backwards to make her life easy, without her (or them, sometimes) even noticing that that's what they're doing.

Thanks for replies, all. My first time in AIBU and it wasn't an ordeal

OP posts:
IsItMeOr · 05/10/2010 12:53

YABtotallyU! How can you be so selfish?

IsItMeOr · 05/10/2010 12:54

Grin Sorry, couldn't resist.

Well done on calling your friend, sounds like it went as well as possible.

ninedragons · 05/10/2010 12:54

Good for you.

It is not a sin, or even unfriendly, to have boundaries.

upahill · 05/10/2010 12:58

Well I am of the view if you can help some one out - help them out. You never know when you need a favour back - not necessarly form them but at some point you may need help and someone may go out their way to help you.

That's how I work.

Anyway what is done is done now.

loopyloops · 05/10/2010 13:07

I agree upahill, and I'm a bit surprised that more people don't. Confused

Original poster
SupposedToBeWorking · 05/10/2010 13:10

Yep, I take your point upahill. I sometimes make the journey to my parents' by myself, and I'm happy to go out of my way then.

I think ninedragons has it, though. She and I can both have problems with boundaries - me asserting them, and she accepting them. This is definitely the best outcome this time.

IsItMeOr, I completely shat myself when I saw your first post!

OP posts:
proudnglad · 05/10/2010 13:11

I agree too upahill.
I would probably roll my eyes and grumble to dp as we wouldn't be arsed to take him either, but I don't think it's such a strange or unreasonable request from your friend.

madonnawhore · 05/10/2010 13:14

Realise I'm late to this but even though you were free to say no, it does seem a but churlish and mean not to give him a lift since you were going that way anyway.

Surprised at how many people were on your side actually. You seem a bit precious about a car journey. Could it be you just didn't want to help your friend out because you think she's spoilt?

upahill · 05/10/2010 13:16

I would ring up and say 'I've been thinking, I know I said I didn't think I could do that lift but if BF doesn't mind waiting until we are free it should be OK'

Go on - have a heart!!!

BalloonSlayer · 05/10/2010 13:17

I see you have sorted it, but I would have lied and said that my parents were giving us a washing machine/tumble dryer / other large unwieldy household thingy to take back with us and there would be no room for him in the car.

Then if she had asked about it later, said oh nah we didn't take it after all, it wasn't working, or something.

arses · 05/10/2010 13:20

Oh come off it! You don't have to always do favours for people. You can be a brilliant, good-karma seeking, amazing person who goes out of their way for people at most available opportunities and still want to have some time alone with your partner on your birthday.

I don't think it's even vaguely precious to want to have a chat with your partner on a long car journey. For me, it's one of the few times my dh and I really get to talk without one or the other of us having one eye on the baby (and fairly rare).