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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Can I retract this favour?

51 replies

SupposedToBeWorking · 05/10/2010 11:32

Sorry this is long.

It's my birthday on Sunday. DP and I are going to a singing workshop nearby.

Friday evening we're going to see my parents, 2 hours away. We're coming home early enough on Saturday evening to not be too tired Sunday Wink

My friend who lives in the same village as my parents has just called. She has a new boyfriend who lives about 10 miles from me. She wants me to give him a lift one or both directions. He would get a bus to/from my area. He doesn't drive, and to visit my friend he normally gets a bus and she picks him up - about a 45 minute drive for her.

Basically, I don't want to. I know it sounds daft, but - DP and I LOVE going in the car together. We always have fun in the car, and it's where we dissect the world and our reltaionship too. DP has been looking forward to going in the car to my parents for a week already! I don't want a gooseberry there, tbh.

If I were driving on my own, I also wouldn't really want to, but I wouldn't feel strongly enough to refuse.

My friend has form for making unreasonable requests of others. When she called I couldn't tell whether this is one of those times or whether my feelings were completely childish.

So I didn't tell her I don't want to. I thought of an excuse for Friday - that I really won't know when I'm leaving until the minute before I leave, and I don't want to be waiting for someone else's bus - but I couldn't think of one for the Saturday. She said the boyfriend would maybe get a bus (but maybe still want to arrange to come with us) on Thursday or Friday, but a lift back would be great. I expect she called to tell him immediately.

Can't speak to DP until late tonight. I just don't want to do it. I really want to whine in a toddler voice, 'But it's my birthday' but that's a red herring because I don't want a gooseberry any time Grin

Can I get out of it somehow or do I just have to suck it up?

OP posts:
atswimtwolengths · 05/10/2010 13:29

I always wonder in these instances whether the people who say this is really unreasonable actually rely on others to give them lifts.

madonnawhore · 05/10/2010 13:35

Well I drive and if it's not convenient to take the car I'm very good at sorting myself out; getting the train or whatever. So, no, personally I don't rely on others to give me lifts.

However, the OP did throw the question out to the floor and I do happen to think she's being a tiny bit unreasonable. Or rather, I don't even feel that strongly about it, just that if it were me I would have given him a lift. But then I don't have a DP to get cosy with on long journeys so...

arses · 05/10/2010 13:42

I don't drive (or at least, I haven't passed a test yet).

I always appreciate the offer of a lift but I would never say I could get somewhere I can't manage on public transport. Lifts are great, but you can't rely on them. You certainly can't expect them.

You take your chances as a non-driver. If you get a lift, you think "great!" and feel grateful. If not, you think "arse!" and shrug your shoulders and move on.

The world doesn't owe you a favour because you never learned to drive. And no, not even if you can't drive through no fault of your own (e.g. disability).

arses · 05/10/2010 13:45

(On the other hand, I have had people offer lifts home from events I wasn't keen on attending as an incentive for me to go and then turn around at "home time" and say they can't give me a lift after all. That's bad form as I haven't planned my journey home and it's not as straightforward for a non-driver in this situation if it's a long way from home).

loopyloops · 05/10/2010 13:46

Maybe I think differently then, but whenever I'm going on a long journey I check with my friends to see if anyone needs a lift or needs anything picking up. DH takes this to the extreme and long journeys can double in length when he agrees to pick people up from places that aren't on the way. That can be quite annoying, but it does mean that his friends will always go the extra mile for him.

Maybe I just don't have a particular love for being alone in the car.

Gibbon · 05/10/2010 13:58

I think YABU. I get the whole nice to chat/catch up as you drive thing but not sure I could refuse to help someone out if I had the chance.

madonnawhore · 05/10/2010 14:06

The thing is, OP's friend now has to go back to her BF and tell him that OP can't give him a lift not because she can't, but because she just doesn't want to. Or, she'll have to lie on OP's behalf so that it doesn't seem like such a snub, which is what I'd do I think.

Casserole · 05/10/2010 14:57

Seriously?

YABU. Better hope you don't need a favour from her any time soon...

alicet · 05/10/2010 15:04

YANBU to not want to give this stranger a lift. I wouldn't want to either for exactly the same reasons. While it is nice to help people out if at all possible it is also not reasonable to expect someone to do you a favour if it is not convenient for them. And as a busy working mum I would feel that missing out on the time to chat to my dh one to one was a BIG inconvenience and a disappointment.

Your friend is not unreasonable to ask though. I am surprised so many of you think this friend is wierd or strange for asking for a favour. I mean what has the world come to if we can't ask for favours from friends ffs!!

In this situation though I would always email or text the favour request before calling in order to make sure that my friend had a chance to think about it and I wasn't blindsiding her. I would make very sure in my message that the friend knew that declining the favour would be perfectly fine - it is a favour after all not a right.

alicet · 05/10/2010 15:07

And I do help people out in other ways. Picking up their children from school / looking after their children for a couple of hours so they can get something done / babysitting etc. As friends do for me.

But I don't think it makes you a bad person to decline to help someone out when it doesn't suit you thats all

Best possible outcome in this situation I think - making excuses about dinner on the way back / bulky item to take back would only mean you'd have to have this conversation next time you were going to your mum and dads and friend asked for a lift for her boyfriend again.

GeekOfTheWeek · 05/10/2010 15:12

Is it just me that wouldn't want a stranger in the car?

loopyloops · 05/10/2010 15:19

What has the world come to?

Mummywise · 05/10/2010 15:25

OR...you could have said, you usually stop for a bit of a bunk up in a lay-by on the way!

chitchat09 · 05/10/2010 15:31

If it's a once off, I think YABU. If this would be a constant thing, then YANBU. I think you're being a bit churlish and precious over a mere car trip, tbh.

chandellina · 05/10/2010 16:15

i see it's sorted but i'm in the YABU camp.

missing out on a couple of hours to chat with your partner, in order to do a really nice favour for someone you call a friend?

I don't see how you can justify your choice.

DomesticG0ddess · 05/10/2010 17:22

Why is everyone trying to make her feel bad now that she's done it??

cat64 · 05/10/2010 17:31

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

IsItMeOr · 05/10/2010 17:38

I'm now feeling really bad for my joke YANBU. It seems to have triggered something.

Nobody has to do a favour if it doesn't suit them. That's why it's called a favour rather than an obligation/duty.

I personally probably would have done it, but that's because it wouldn't bother me. But it bothered me, then I would be daft to say yes and so would the OP.

atswimtwolengths · 05/10/2010 19:09

What about her doing her DP a favour and spending some time with him? Car journeys are lovely for spending some time together.

It's only a 45 minute for her friend to pick up her boyfriend - I drive more than that just to get to work. She gets the benefit, too, of seeing her partner that bit earlier!

It's not as if this guy can't see his girlfriend otherwise, is it? It's not as if he's old or disabled. He doesn't NEED the lift - he wants it (or his girlfriend wants it for him.)

Time spent alone as a couple is very precious - I don't think she's unreasonable at all to want this time with her husband.

BitOfFun · 05/10/2010 19:15

YABNBU. And I admire you for being honest with your friend and not coming up with an excuse.

DetectivePotato · 05/10/2010 19:33

I would have said no. You don't even know this person!

It also meant you would have been tied to being somewhere at a certain time, something that I really hate sometimes.

YANBU. Glad you told her no. Sounds like she is used to everyone doing what she wants.

rainbowinthesky · 05/10/2010 19:38

I'd have made some crappy excuse and said no too.

nancydrewrocked · 05/10/2010 19:45

I think it's a bit odd to refuse TBH.

Nothing to do with relying on others for lifts I have my own lovely shiney car and would be happy to give my friends boyfriend a lift. I mean why not help her out?

BitOfFun · 05/10/2010 19:47

But OP has said why not- both she and her DP look forward to uninterrupted alone time in the car. And why shouldn't they?

RunawayWife · 05/10/2010 19:56

I think it is a tiny bit mean not to help someone out if you can

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