To stop DSD from having music lessons

[readywithwellies]

DSD has been to several groups, all of which she hasn't stuck to, the latest being swimming. I paid for swimming lessons (£30 ish) for DSD aged 9 and half way through the second set of 10 lessons, it became 'too difficult' as she was asked to stick her bum in the air to do a butterfly preparation exercise. So she didn't return. Now asking for music lessons at around the same cost, AIBU to say no?

I only said half hour to try to put her off and for her to see it is a commitment.

She wouldn't save, every penny she is given is instantly spent on CRAP. Therefore she does not get pocket money and she does not do anything around the house so why should she? I never did!

Also, NRP would probably put her guilty little hand in her guilty little pocket.

I like the idea of a punishment for not completing the term or an incentive for completing since I cannot really control all the factors which would lead to her signing up.

she may not have shown stickability with the things she has already tried but perhaps she just hasn't found the thing she loves yet. Even someone practising the recorder might loathe it but find they have a real aptitude for the violin. And nine is very young to have settled to a definite hobby. She could hate recorder and violin but given a chance, be totally committed to the piano or clarinet, or judo, or drama.

Obviously the difficulty is that whilst she's trying (and not necessarily putting any commitment into) things out, you are forking out the money and the time taken to ensure she has her lesson and practices (10 mins a day at aged 9 is fine - one of mine started violin at that age). If she had some part in the financial commitment this time - explaining to her about the swimming lessons she has abandoned - maybe contributing some of her pocket money - she would hopefully feel she had some stake in keeping going and trying to stick at a hobby.

It is all very well saying to make her do something but she is not my child and I am trying to build bridges, not burn them! Plus dp and gps have let her get away with it for so long that I am already considered a wicked witch

Have to say prepping to do butterfly at 9 after 15 lessons is pretty/very odd.

I swam for a couple of years at that age and got Gold personal survival at 9, did every stroke bar butterfly. Nobody mentioned BF let alone taught it.

Requires a great deal of strength and is very technical.

Have you ever discussed this w her swim coaches ?

"Violin will be on loan. Costing under £30 for a term. "

To go off slightly at a tangent - you might find it cheaper to buy a second hand violin, they can often be very cheap. Look in your local paper or ask at the school if anyone has got one for sale.

DD started with a 1/4 size which cost us only £25 second hand and when she moved up to 1/2 size we got one for only £20. Maybe not the best quality but they don't use the small ones for all that long before they grow out of them.

We paid more and got a decent tone when she moved to a full size as she will expect that to last for some time to come.

I notice she gave up swimming because it became 'too difficult'. IMO the violin is not an easy instrument.

I have a similar DS, OP.
Eventually I started to insist that he paid a deposit towards any new activity -- say 10 quid (even if it cost me 40 quid). Deposit to be only refunded if he completed whatever course I paid for.

Suddenly he didn't want to do anything! I'd go for the deposit scheme if yours were my DD.

Interestingly enough I've never had the same problem with my DD, she sticks with almost anything she tries (although consistent violin practice has been beyond her, but she still wants to go every week).

I would be taking her to the lessons and having a word with the swimming coaches too to see what they can do,perhaps she got embarassed by being told to stick her bum up.When you're learning a new skill there are bound to be a few 'downers' along the way and we have to teach our kids to go back and give it another go.

Cumfy - as an aside, Butterfly is definitely right it is in the new ASA programme from around Level Four. I find it weird too as I did lots of swimming but never butterfly.

Is this an opportunity for cunning psychology?

Say "No. You never stick at anything. I've had it." And let her strop, plead, etc., etc.

Tell her that you know she won't put the commitment in.

More stropping.

And then give in, on the understanding this is a last chance, "Prove me wrong" thing?

You'll definitely need something to make sure the practise gets done, because it's a nightmare.

Mutt - dp does listen to me and a punishment would be enforced if we discussed and agreed prior to issuing the threat.

I just dread the idea of nagging her to practise, have to endure the screeching violin and listen to her whinge she can't do it, yet again!

The violin is a vile instrument....really hard to master and make a reasonable sound out of. I speak as the mother of two violin players who has sat through innumerable hours of screechy practice. Try to dissuade her!

TBH the violin is one of the hardest instruments to learn - you really need to start learning very early (before you can really tell what a hideous noise you make in the beginning ).

By 9 she will be able to hear the fact that she really really won't be in tune which might make her give up - if swimming is too hard, the violin is an absolute b*tch! (I have played for 25 years and I still can sound horrible at times!)

Are there any other instruments she can do where she doesn't have to 'find' the notes, just play it iyswim?

Threaten her with whatever punishment we decide. He needs a push in the right direction. He spoils her rotten.

Practise isn't, ever good. i don't know how some parents do it. I haven't. I must admit, it's the thing in my life that makes me lose the will to live.

If you go for kumon, there isn't any screeching.

(Realises that isn;t a very encouraging post.)

I know violin is hard, I tried and failed!

Kumon" - that was a Freudian slip!!!

I meant "Suzuki".

is this something you yourself pay for, or you as a couple?

if it is the latter then i am sad to say that having been in a similar situation then your opinion doesnt matter.

for my own dc there was always the threat of having to pay it back, out of birthday money, christmas money, whatever, but if you have other family members undermining you there is no solution.

it is lovely that you are giving the opportunity but not right that you are being taken for a ride

Animula - you have lost me

Sorry.

The Suzuki method is a style of teaching, and there are teachers trained in it. Our dc's old school used to do it. It starts very young, is quite parent-involved, and one of the things about it is that it concentrates on producing a beautiful sound from the start.

So you miss out on the screeching. But parents are supposed to learn alongside the children, and there are lots of events to attend, and so on. so there's no hiding in another room, shouting "Have you finished yet?" as they do their exercises.