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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to think that teens need some privacy?

37 replies

missismac · 04/10/2010 13:49

Background:

DD14 has always refused to allow me to be her friend on Facebook & I've agreed (with a bit of moaning) as I can see she needs some areas of privacy from her parents. I talk to her frequently about upcoming issues - drink, smoking, sex, not putting herself in dangerous situation - I meet up with her friends Mums regularly to compare notes on various parties, should they be allowed to go, what's your line on makeup, How short are the skirts etc. etc.

But, yesterday a younger, mutual friend with access to DD's Fb account emailed me with some concerns - essentially photo's posted of a party she went to where alcohol & what looks like a bong were present, none with DD partaking though. She is adamant that I should insist on being DD's friend on FB so that I can monitor what she's up to. Frankly I feel uncomfortable with this as she's growing up & surely I have to be able to trust her to run some areas of her life herself? What to do?

What's your view? If you have teens are you their FB friend? If you don't what do you think is reasonable to keep her safe but let her learn about life?

OP posts:

Bonsoir · 04/10/2010 13:51

I don't think you can possibly insist that your DD gives you access to facebook.

alfabetty · 04/10/2010 13:54

No, you can't insist but you can warn her that others will be able to see what she's been up to (including future employers and those friends and former friends who may not have her interests at heart) and to bear that in mind when she's out and about and posting on FB.

Original poster

missismac · 04/10/2010 13:55

Well I can threaten to take away her iphone if she doesn't , but I agree it would be a tricky conversation. Should I have insisted on access from the start though?

OP posts:

Bonsoir · 04/10/2010 13:55

I think you need to learn to let go!

scurryfunge · 04/10/2010 13:55

I think it is important that they have their privacy but Facebook isn't really private anyway.

My DS wouldn't dream of letting me have access to his pages and I don't want to either. I just reinforce with him that future employers will look at these pages so he has to be very careful about how he chooses to portray himself.

Teens will always conceal their activities from parents and if there was no Facebook, it doesn't mean they aren't up to anything.

BabyDubsEverywhere · 04/10/2010 13:56

Honestly, she is going to do things that you dont approve of, most teens do, you need to decide if your going to be better off trying to limit the things you dont approve of - ie being on face book to check up, or whether having an open relationship with her where she can bring her concerns and you can advise and hopefully she wont get in too deep. The things you disapprove of will happen anyway i suspect, from my own expreience anyway.

Ladyanonymous · 04/10/2010 13:56

My 13 yr old DS has one, I am his friend and I have his username and password.

I have hidden myself pn his account though so he can't see what I get up to .

Tell your friend thanks for your concerns but please now fuck off and MYOB .

Deliaskis · 04/10/2010 13:58

I think that the FB thing is a bit of a red herring here. If it wasn't for Facebook, teenagers would still be out getting up to possibly borderline activities, and so FB is largley irrelevant. You're doing the right thing by hopefully raising a responsible sensible young adult who can make the right decisions for herself, being able to spy on her isn't going to change that situation at all.

FWIW, I don't think people would bug their teenage offspring's phones or send them out with a 'wire' (thinking like on Spooks here!) on them to check what they're up to when they're out, and checking up on FB kind of amounts to the same thing.

Unless you have a cause to think she's being bullied or even groomed on FB, or anything that specifically relates to her being activity on there, I would respect her privacy and keep being available and open to discuss the issues that might come up.

Yeeehaa · 04/10/2010 13:58

I don't have a teenager (yet), but i have seen the trouble that a friends 15 year old dd got herself into through fb (involving bullying, suicide attempts, and eventually running away - all documented on fb, DM the last to know)

When my dc are fb age, as long as they live under my roof, and I pay the bills, at the very least, I will be their friend on FB.

(of course, when the time comes, I may feel very differently!)

maryz · 04/10/2010 14:12

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

maryz · 04/10/2010 14:14

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

DandyDan · 04/10/2010 14:27

My kids and I are friends on FB; I barely post there but I can see what they're up to and with a child at uni, it's a good way of keeping in touch. Usually they post nothing I wouldn't have been told about anyway. My kids are pretty upfront about all the scary or nightmarish things they have done/do.

iamamug · 04/10/2010 14:38

I am friends with both DSs on FB (aged 16 and 20)
No problem with older one - 16yo has a few issues involving dope smoking, eating disorder, self harm etc and tbh I can keep a watching brief as to how he is feeling. He knows I am on there obviously but I never post anything. It helps me as I am really struggling with his problems - don't really know if I am doing it right or wrong- just need to know what he is up to! He is very open with me anyway and we talk a lot.

annapolly · 04/10/2010 14:49

I am a FB friend of my DDs, as they sent me a request.

I would never have insisted on it.

I do know a couple of their friends, whose parents are very conservative, have created two accounts, one for the friends and one for the parents.

They even create fake nights out, with photographs, and they are really somewhere else with the boyfriends.

foreverastudent · 04/10/2010 14:50

I dont think the issue's facebook.

Did you actually allow your 14 yo to go to a party with drinking and drugs?

Even if she wasn't doing these things herself I wouldn't allow either of mine to be in that kind of environment at that age.

It's in these kind of situations that girls get their drinks spiked and/or raped.

MentalFloss · 04/10/2010 14:59

I agree that teenagers need privacy on facebook however I would have the conversation that everything on facebook can be seen by people, whether that is future employers, prospective universities etc.

I also agree with the people who say that even if there wasn't facebook then teenagers would still get up to the same things!

dontdisstheteens · 04/10/2010 15:12

I am banned from son number one's facebook! Totally and utterly blocked after confessing that I had seen something on there - a nasty comment about his brother! Mind you there are ways around this should I really feel the need to take a look but I have not as yet. Mind you he is 16.

The having two different one's, one supposedly 'real' while the other one that is truly used for friends photos etc is very very common.

Personally I would say nothing to your daughter and be grateful you have a mutual friend who has tipped you off. Use the tip off to keep a slightly closer eye on her and be very alert for the possibility she wants to talk to you about something and does not know where to start.

Future employers and colleges etc, that is a big issue for youngsters today and needs reinforcing in my opinion. Can you imagine my former employers seeing photos and having access to tapes of my conversations when I was 16! OMG. It is a very scary thought. Internet safety is not longer just about cyber bullying and quality of relationships. Whole identities are on the net and very easy to find.

scaryteacher · 04/10/2010 15:12

Will you be as sanguine when your DD is 14 Bonsoir?

Danthe4th · 04/10/2010 15:54

I have 2 dd's age 15 and 13 and they are both friends on my facebook, I also have a few of thier friends but god help me if I posted anything on dd 15 wall she would go nuts.
But I do see all the party photos etc that are posted and i do talk to both of them about some of the stuff that gets written.
I told them from the beginning that if they wanted facebook I would be a friend, its never caused a problem, they can chat in private and I don't have their passwords so they still get plenty of privacy.
If they deleted me as a friend I would delete their accounts.

Original poster

missismac · 04/10/2010 16:24

Hmmm, interesting views. Can you delete their FB account Dthe4th? I didn't know that.

I think that my instinct is she's a sensible girl and her friends are sensible too. I know the core group she hangs out with very well, some since nursery they & their parents have the same/ similar values we do. She will increasingly be going to parties where drink & maybe even drugs are available. If I don't trust her to make the right decisions (and stand by to pick her up when she make the wrong ones) then I'll just have to lock her in a tower & throw away the key something. She knows right from wrong & I'll have to let her go to test the knowledge.

Re FB - as I didn't insist on being a 'friend' from the start I think it's too late to do it now. She's be furious that I didn't trust her, & It's the kind of thing that could do lasting damage to our relationship.

Foreverastudent - am interested to know whether you have teens? With the greatest respect to your views, you don't sound as if you have them yourself.

OP posts:

BecauseImWorthIt · 04/10/2010 16:27

There is no way that you can force them to be your friend! You have to invite them to be your friend, and they don't have to accept you. In all reality they will probably just ignore you, if not refuse.

They do need their privacy and, no matter how frustrating it is, you need to grant them that. You can have all the chats with them that you want (and it's great if you do), but they will still do silly things/things you disapprove of. It's part of growing up.

GetOrfMoiLand · 04/10/2010 16:33

I am not friends with DD on facebook. I can't be doing with that facebook

I d reserve the right to check dd's facebook with her permission. It was a condition of her being allowed unlimited laptop use that I would be able to ask her with no notice to look on her FB/phone/MSN (she had been bullied in the past).

I would never in a month of Sundays sneak on her phone or hack in using her username. That is not on imo. But, she is only 14 so as a parent I have the right to check up on her.

It works well so far - I check every couple of months or so, with dd there. She is fine with it. That may change as she gets older, adn to be perfectly honest she is a good girl so I have no worries.

BecauseImWorthIt · 04/10/2010 16:48

Ha ha ha ha! Sorry to laugh GOML. What happens is that suddenly the PC is always off and there's a new password that is set and you are never told what it is ...

DS1 is 18 and DS2 is 15 - that kind of trusting acceptance of my right to check has long since gone. They are both 'nice' boys, so I just have to trust that we have instilled the right kind of values into them.

GetOrfMoiLand · 04/10/2010 19:41

BIWI

Am I like one of those santimonious mothers of a newborn baby who comes out with such gems as 'my dd will not be a fussy eater' and 'my baby will sit and play nicely, and not push others' which I roll my eyes at.

BecauseImWorthIt · 04/10/2010 19:44

Indeed!

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