to think that teens need some privacy?

[missismac]

Background:

DD14 has always refused to allow me to be her friend on Facebook & I've agreed (with a bit of moaning) as I can see she needs some areas of privacy from her parents. I talk to her frequently about upcoming issues - drink, smoking, sex, not putting herself in dangerous situation - I meet up with her friends Mums regularly to compare notes on various parties, should they be allowed to go, what's your line on makeup, How short are the skirts etc. etc.

But, yesterday a younger, mutual friend with access to DD's Fb account emailed me with some concerns - essentially photo's posted of a party she went to where alcohol & what looks like a bong were present, none with DD partaking though. She is adamant that I should insist on being DD's friend on FB so that I can monitor what she's up to. Frankly I feel uncomfortable with this as she's growing up & surely I have to be able to trust her to run some areas of her life herself? What to do?

What's your view? If you have teens are you their FB friend? If you don't what do you think is reasonable to keep her safe but let her learn about life?

I will be on here next week wringing my hands and wondering who has nicked all my vodka

Don't daft! It will have been topped up with water and as long as you have wine first you will never know!

We starting marking the vodka with a bit of tape - they just moved the tape!

Nah, she'll just get sneaky !

if you insist she could very easily just create herself a nice new facebook profile with a different internet address and a different username. You could easily be none the wiser. Kids can get round all this technology stuff easily. Imagine if you were 14 and the only one who still had their mum on their facebook! I think it is a good idea for those who choose to let their pre-teens on facebook, although why a ten year old needs a facebook acccount is beyond me. But at 14, it probably isn't a realistic option.

Ds is 13. I have his fb account details and check it regularly.

it's not clear to me if you trust her or not. it sounds like you want to but suspect you can't.
what struck me though is saying that her knowing you don't trust her could do lasting damage to the relationship.
so is it fear that would keep you from setting rules and boundaries?

maryz that is brilliant! (furiously scribbles down for when 5 year old ds is 14...)

I think some of you are in for a bit of a shock in the coming years ...

I think that 14 yo's are too young to be going to parties where there is drink/drugs involved ?

Was the party thrown by older teenagers ?

What adults knew about it ?

If I found out that my dd14 had been to such a gathering, she wouldn't be going anywhere for a while

I am her "friend" on FB, also "friend" to lots of her friends. It's kinda boring though, full of "LOL's" all over the place

I am a 'friend' of a 15 year old cousin. Her updates were getting more and more depressing so I rung her guardian and told them I was worried about her. Wasn't sure if it would be appreciated. Turns out she was having problems in school. So your friend is probably trying to be helpful.
If it bothers you, get your daughter to block her or give her limited access so she can't see her wall or photos. That would solve that problem. Also, maybe a chat with dd about who her facebook friends are, the security settings she has set up, and the long term consequences of daft photos on Facebook and giving your life story through status updates, think job interviews etc.
Should you be able to have access to dd's Facebook? Yes. But not as her friend necessarily, periodic spot checks should be a condition of having it until she is 18 (or while living with you depending on your views) with her knowledge.

AF totally agree. I would be considering some serious grounding. Being of a devious nature rather than own up to a facebook spot (a concerned friend is worth protecting iyswim) I would blame the mum's mafia. We are quite a powerful force around this way.

Remind me to tell you about the night they got drunk in the woods and had to call out the air ambulance for a chap who became unconscious!