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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to want fil to do more

26 replies

mumof2children · 03/10/2010 23:50

my fil is disabled, he can't even go shopping on his own, me and df spend our whole weekend making sure he s ok for the week...i do his housework and also pick up things like bread and milk midweek also do most of his bill paying, oh takes him to do his main shop and any diy and also helps me with the housework.

it's getting to a point where i need to spend time with oh and the kids

OP posts:
Original poster
mumof2children · 03/10/2010 23:51

sorry wrong title

to want fil family to do more

OP posts:
2rebecca · 03/10/2010 23:56

You can't control other people. You can however set limits on what you will do and look at getting social service help/ private help with his disability benefits to do the other stuff. After all if you lived 3 hours away he would manage and get home helps etc.

OldLadyKnowsNothing · 03/10/2010 23:56

What other family are nearby? (You're almost certainly not BU, btw.)

LittleMissHissyFit · 03/10/2010 23:59

why is your dh not helping you? Could he have a word with the rest of his family. Organise a rota?

Original poster
mumof2children · 04/10/2010 00:00

yes they live around the corner, i live only a 10 minute drive on a bad day.

2rebecca getting social sservice help will only make him feel less of a man he is now.

OP posts:
werewolf · 04/10/2010 00:01

Could you help fil to set up internet shopping, if he's interested/able?

LittleMissHissyFit · 04/10/2010 00:01

sorry, just saw yr df and you...

pippop1 · 04/10/2010 00:02

Could he apply for attendance allowance and pay for some care himself? That way he is more independent.

Original poster
mumof2children · 04/10/2010 00:02

i have tried, but they are all too busy even though they have never classed oh as real family ( fil adopted him)

littlemisshissyfit, reread the op then i stated

oh takes him to do his main shop and any diy and also helps me with the housework

OP posts:
Original poster
mumof2children · 04/10/2010 00:03

pippop what is an attendance allowence

OP posts:
LadyBiscuit · 04/10/2010 00:05

It's not fair of your FIL to expect you to do all that though. Regardless of whether he feels 'less of a man' if you get him the help he's entitled to.

nickschick · 04/10/2010 00:07

My fil is 80 - I spend a lot of my time supporting his needs,I spend a fair amount of time checking up where he is pub/shopping/chatting,I take him to the drs,I cook all his meals and do his laundry,I do any of his telephoning and I keep him company when I know hes lonely.

Hes 80 he wont be here forever its important we look after him whilst we can-its not about 'burden' its about 'family' and adopted or not your dh will know when he looks back he did nothing to repraoch himself for - cant you involve fil with dc??

LittleMissHissyFit · 04/10/2010 00:08

i did bloody say sorry!

pippop1 · 04/10/2010 00:09

It is a disability benefit. Google it and you will find the forms to download and fill in and you can read all about it.

It's money paid to a person that needs help and they can use it for anything. There are different rates and your FIL's GP would have to sign a form too. My MIL has it and pays for a gardener and a cleaner so that we don't have to do it. She has a v bad hip and is in her late eighties but doesn't really want any help!

Original poster
mumof2children · 04/10/2010 00:16

littlemisshissy i think we where typig at the same time, was looking up the attendance allowence so sorry for the late responce.

even if it mean we can go on hoilday without having to worry if fil has enough food and is being taken care of

OP posts:
Original poster
mumof2children · 04/10/2010 00:18

he cant get the attendance allownce as he is 55

OP posts:
LadyBiscuit · 04/10/2010 00:23

He should be able to get DLA - which is disability living allowance (similar to attendance allowance but for people under retirement age).

The form is very long but if you do it with his GP it shouldn't be too bad.

pippop1 · 04/10/2010 00:27

Are there any other disability benefits he could get instead? Or could he pay a neighbour to come in and help him a bit?

I do think you/OH could get all of his shopping once a week. Extra loaves of bread can be put in the freezer and supermarket milk has v long dates on it (look at the back of the shelf for longest dates) so it shouldn't be necessary to shop for him mid-week.

Original poster
mumof2children · 04/10/2010 00:37

i think i will go into cab to see what is help is out there.

OP posts:
2rebecca · 04/10/2010 09:19

If he's only 55 you have another 20 odd years of this, which is different to looking after someone in their 80s. Trying to do too much for elderly relatives can destroy marriages.
You have to keep it manageable. I don't see why home helps etc would make anyone "less of a man" . He can't do stuff himself, he needs other people to do it. What difference does it make who does it?
If I became disabled young (I presume your MIL is dead or they're divorced) I would far rather have outside help than exhaust my relatives.
The older relative should be thinking of your interests as well as you looking after theirs.

2rebecca · 04/10/2010 09:21

Also agree the internet is great for disabled people re Tesco on line etc.

ssd · 04/10/2010 09:24

op, phone your local council and ask for him to be assessed for help.

I'm in a similiar position to you with my mum, its wearing me down. but you must start putting yourself and your family first to keep your sanity. its so very hard, Iknow.

ssd · 04/10/2010 09:26

one of the hardest things about asking for outside help is for the person who needs it eg. FIL, to actually accept it. thats the real difficulty. its ok to say "he should do this or thst", its another thing to get him to do it.
op, you have my sympathies.

nickschick · 04/10/2010 10:14

2 rebecca fil was in his 60s when I met dh and weve always done 'our bit' to help him its just gotten more as hes needed it.

He certainly wouldnt accept outside help.

Pseudo341 · 04/10/2010 15:11

As someone who's currently fighting for DLA let me warn you not to even consider filling the application form in by yourself, take it down the CAB and get them to do it, use the wrong wording and it'll be grounds for refusal and the full appeal process can take years.

Why does FIL need to be taken food shopping? That's what the internet is for.

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