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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to be pissed off at my 90 yr old gran?

75 replies

Hazeleyedbaby · 03/10/2010 22:39

I have arranged my DS 1st b'day party and my gran has announced today that she wants a family gathering at hers 6 days before - all the same people invited! I asked my dad to call her and try to change the date of her 'gathering' and he said she has been thinking about it for a while so he didn't feel he could ask her - WTF - we have known about DS (my only child - his only grandson) 1st b'day since he was born?!

I am annoyed as the family are all really busy and I know they wont manage both so I feel a choice has to be made now and I think my sons 1st b'day party should take precedent - the only reason my gran has arranged this is because she didn't invite any of her grandchildren to her 90th birthday do incase we brought our kids!!!

AIBU to be pissed off?

OP posts:

BrightLightBrightLight · 03/10/2010 23:36

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

CarGirl · 03/10/2010 23:36

Have to celebrations for your ds, one with your gran and that side of the family and another on the day itself with everyone else.

mumof2children · 03/10/2010 23:37

well wont they come anyway.

why not do 2 parties, one with gran and one with everyone else.

btw, with out sounding morbid, my nan did a get together a month before she passed away so make any time you have left with her a postive one and not pissed off that she wants the rest of her life to be about her

BrightLightBrightLight · 03/10/2010 23:37

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

TheLadyEvenstar · 03/10/2010 23:37

OP as other posters have said Cut her some slack!!!
She is 90 and whether she normally organises get togethers or not she feels she wants to now. Who knows why maybe she thinks this is the last chance she will have to do so.

As for the comments about being a single mum, well this is a generational thing.

Irishchic · 03/10/2010 23:38

I think some of you are missing the point.

Firstly, if the op's granny is not very kindly disposed towards her, then the op probably doesnt have the option of just deciding its going to be a joint party at the granny's house, the granny probably would not go for that, from the sounds of things.

Secondly, whether you are 19 or 90, its unfair to spring a family gathering on people when there is already another party on, when they will be forced to choose one over the other, that is not nice behavior.

Also, I do not subscribe to the view that a 1year olds birthday is any less worthy of being celebrated than a 90 year olds birthday.

Both my grannies lived in to their 90's, they were wonderful ladies, and they would never have pulled a stunt like this one!

CarGirl · 03/10/2010 23:40

I don't think the gran is being nice or reasonable.

However she probably is going to die in the not to distant future so I would turn up with a birtday cake for my ds and some balloons and a big smiley face and thank her for hosting a joint gathering.

What is the gran going to do - have a hissy fit and show herself up?

mumof2children · 03/10/2010 23:42

so what is the point.

muggglewump · 03/10/2010 23:44

OK, so I've skimmed, but I must say, just because she's old, doesn't mean everyone should bow down and be nice.
My Dad is old, and has all his wits about him, and manages to be a quite nasty man, often.

I'm sure l've told the table story, and the Father's Day card one.

Being old, doesn't get you off the hook when you feel like being a shit, and making your daughter family feel guilty.

Kewcumber · 03/10/2010 23:48

My grandmother is 93 and whilst she is really quite spritely all things considered, the idea that she is mentally capable anymore of being a machiavellian creature and deliberately doing it to spite one of her grandchildren is a stretch. I can beleive that she has become selfish and is certainly probably too old to rethink her views on unmarried mothers but sadly I suspect that you elevate your importance in her life if you think it is directed at you.

Of course thats my grandmother, your's may be capable of running the mafia for all I know.

And don;t get pissed off at her because your father is being an arse and not seeing his grandson.

Do what you want to for your DS's brithday - I had my mum and a random group of strangers in a foreign country at DS's 1st birthday and what made it so special to me was that he was there and I was there.

muggglewump · 03/10/2010 23:49

And after reading this, and knowing I turn up with a big smile, because what else would I do?, I feel worse.

I love him, but he really is not that nice.

He's just put a huge thing on me, to do with inheritance, and I don't know what to do.

I should start a thread really, but I don't know how, or what, or anything.

2rebecca · 03/10/2010 23:50

If you're planning some different people I'd just go with your party and agree with others that it doesn't actually clash. If people choose to just go to 1 that's up to them, you'll still have the friends who aren't going to grannies party. Agree that 1 year old parties aren't really about the child anyway and the rellies who choose just to go to grannies will see your sprog there, assuming you choose to go to her do.

2rebecca · 03/10/2010 23:52

Can understand you feeling pissed off though.

DitaVonCheese · 04/10/2010 06:54

Without wishing to sound too heartless, I don't see what relevance the health of anyone else's granny has to the OP. No one is grateful every minute of the day just because someone somewhere is worse off than them.

Ignoring the respective ages for a moment, if you'd organised a party and then your mate organised one with the same guest list for the previous week and you knew a lot of people would only make one, you'd be a bit pissed off, no? (or non? as the current MN fashion seems to be )

gtamom · 04/10/2010 07:03

Carry on with your birthday plans, and attend hers as well.
Hopefully everyone seeing you and your little boy at the family reunion will persuade them, if they were unsure about attending both, to make the attempt to go to his birthday.

ClimberChick · 04/10/2010 07:14

Sounds like you have more issues with your dad rather than your nan. You feel your family are choosing your nan over you and your son?

Either way, very upsetting situation for you. YANBU to be upset over all this.

Coralanne · 04/10/2010 07:14

Is your Gran going to be at your DS's birthday party?

I really think she is being pretty unreasonable.

Sounds as though she deliberately decided to throw a spanner in the works.

If you had sent out invitations to DS's party and then she decided to have hers, it's pretty obvious she is being mischevious.

On the other hand, when people get to this age they become very self centred (much like small children). She may not realise that only six days seperate the parties.

Phone her and ask her. "Hey Gran, do you realise that DS's party is only the week after yours", Would you like me to bring something extra to your party to help celebrate DS's birthday"

scaryteacher · 04/10/2010 08:28

9o year old pluses can be extraordinarily selfish and complete PITAs. Mine died in 2006 on my 20th wedding anniversary. Just remember that an unpleasant old lady was probably an unpleasant young one.

I think on this occasion you'll have to accept that people may go to her gathering, and you may have to go as well, but could use the excuse of ds to leave early. I know exactly what it's like having comments thrown at you because your Gran has a bee in her bonnet.

It's also difficult (at least I found it so) because my late Gran was an old bag and said the most hurtful things about and to me and about mine; but in the end, she was my old bag and I loved her.

angelberry · 04/10/2010 18:10

Will someone please explain to me why two parties that are nearly a week apart are considered to clash? Unless I'm missing something, this is really a non-issue.

If they were at the same time, then I'd agree with everything you are saying...but they're not. Have I missed a post where it was revealed that the Granny lives in Austalia or something?

5Foot5 · 04/10/2010 19:52

angelberry The OP said that as the family are all really busy they might not be able to manage both events. I can understand that - weekends can be precious and having to forfeit two in a row to go to family celebrations could be massively inconvenient.

It is easy to see how some of the family may have to choose and, I have to say, if I was in this position I would be far more likely to choose the gran's party. Sorry OP but a 1yo birthday party is only really entertaining to immediate family.

Irishchic · 04/10/2010 19:55

I'd rather go to the one years olds party actually than to a gathering organised by a rather selfish and judgemental old lady

DragonMamiCooksWelshCakes · 04/10/2010 21:04

YANBU. Being old doesn't suddenly endow you with Pollyanna-esque levels of niceness never mind excuse devious & manipulative behaviour. (And why is it normally the nasty grandmothers who keep going until they're 402?)

It's perfectly understandable to feel aggrieved but you may not be able to do much about it. Try to console yourself with the fact that your DS loves you & thinks you're brilliant no matter what your grandmother's opinions on lone parenting may be.

brimfull · 04/10/2010 21:10

yanbu
she is being selfish

PhishFoodAddiction · 04/10/2010 21:20

Families eh? I can understand why you feel a bit annoyed, it seems you feel Granny has forced your dad's side of the family to choose her party over your DS party.

Are you sure she did it maliciously? Maybe she can't remember the date of your DS birthday so didn't realize it was so close? (My grandma is only in her 60s but so many grandchildren and great grandchildren she sometimes forgets dates. And she's an old
battleaxe character).

Wouldn't the easiest thing be to give her a ring and find out? Ask if you can take a cake along for DS1 and let that side of your family celebrate DS birthday with Granny, and then have his other party on the day you planned?

I think YAB a bit U since the dates don't clash.

Mumcentreplus · 04/10/2010 21:36

Ahhh..90 yr olds..the wickedness level in some is quite high..years of experience and bitterness...I would not take it too personally...

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