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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be pissed off at my 90 yr old gran?

75 replies

Hazeleyedbaby · 03/10/2010 22:39

I have arranged my DS 1st b'day party and my gran has announced today that she wants a family gathering at hers 6 days before - all the same people invited! I asked my dad to call her and try to change the date of her 'gathering' and he said she has been thinking about it for a while so he didn't feel he could ask her - WTF - we have known about DS (my only child - his only grandson) 1st b'day since he was born?!

I am annoyed as the family are all really busy and I know they wont manage both so I feel a choice has to be made now and I think my sons 1st b'day party should take precedent - the only reason my gran has arranged this is because she didn't invite any of her grandchildren to her 90th birthday do incase we brought our kids!!!

AIBU to be pissed off?

OP posts:
Irishchic · 03/10/2010 22:55

For goodness sake, we all know that a child's first birthday party is more a celebration for the parent(s) not the child itself, so it is irrelevant that the child will not know.

The point is that regardless of your age, it is rude to organise a gathering that is going to clash with something that has already been planned and arranged when you know that people will not be able to attend both, but will have to choose your event merely becuase you are old and they feel an bligation because of that.

I do not think that old age entitles you to behave in an inconsiderate way.

Original poster
Hazeleyedbaby · 03/10/2010 22:56

Its a very random social gathering - she has NEVER organised anything other than Christmas in the past and it coincides to be a week before my DS 1st b'day!

OP posts:
Imarriedafrog · 03/10/2010 22:57

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
Hazeleyedbaby · 03/10/2010 23:01

Thanks Nikita09 - Glad someone sees it my way :)

OP posts:
angelberry · 03/10/2010 23:03

Yes but...it isn't at the same time. It doesn't clash. I don't get it.

anonymosity · 03/10/2010 23:04

Shame on you. She's 90, cut her some slack. A first birthday party is never about the kid anyway, they don't remember it, its only about the parents having something to remember. You've got him for the rest of his life, how long have you got a 90 yr old for....

Original poster
Hazeleyedbaby · 03/10/2010 23:05

I should add that my dad never has time off work (self employed) and has not seen DS since he was a few months will go to his mothers 'social gathering' and unable to go to his grandsons 1st birthday just to prevent upsetting his mother!

OP posts:
CarGirl · 03/10/2010 23:05

Turn up with all the stuff you need and thank your great gran for hosting your ds 1st birthday party Grin

Original poster
Hazeleyedbaby · 03/10/2010 23:07

Yes but she is not a nice 90 yr old she is very rude and opinionated and my mums side of the family always tell me never to bother visiting her as she is so awful to me.

OP posts:
BrightLightBrightLight · 03/10/2010 23:07

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

GeekOfTheWeek · 03/10/2010 23:07

Being 90 doesn't excuse shitty behaviour.

nameymcnamechange · 03/10/2010 23:07

Did your gran know about your ds's birthday party? Was she invited?

I don't actually believe this is real.

BrightLightBrightLight · 03/10/2010 23:07

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

DitaVonCheese · 03/10/2010 23:08

I may be biased by the fact that my 91 yr old gran is a freaking nightmare Wink and no amount of other people's nice grans being dead will change that!

Original poster
Hazeleyedbaby · 03/10/2010 23:10

namey - you dont believe this is real??? why? Sadly it is 100% real and I am looking for perspective on this!

OP posts:
anonymosity · 03/10/2010 23:11

I do think semi-hijacking the party is quite a good suggestion.

fuschiagroan · 03/10/2010 23:12

lol Dita

If someone has always been a nightmare, then they will continue to be one forever and being 90 does not alter the case. I think if a party has already been arranged, it's rude to arrange another one v close by, especially as it is a random social gathering that could be held at any time

so yanbu

DitaVonCheese · 03/10/2010 23:15

fuschia, it's nice to see someone who doesn't think that all old ladies are automatically sweet and lovely!

I stand by my NBU btw OP :)

hanette · 03/10/2010 23:18

i'm really sorry - not for me to say whether YABU or not but there must be a way to combine the two family events

Hate to pull the guilt strings but I am making the last 300 mile trip to see my grandma (94) who broke her hip this weekend and I can't see her making it through surgery on Tuesday

She isn't an easy one either but at that life stage we should all just "build a bridge and get over it" as my 8 year old DD would say

It's not worth the arguments - have a joint bash and be glad to have her there x

Scuttlebutter · 03/10/2010 23:19

Firstly, she's your grandmother, FFS. And she's 90, so of course she's not going to be as relaxed as you are about single motherhood. When she was a girl, getting pregnant could land you in an asylum, or being made homeless, so have some empathy.

The two parties are a week apart, and how is it your gran's fault that your father has mysteriously not visited his grandchild? Your son's 1st birthday party is about you, and possibly a few doting grandparents, the rest of the family will not be that bothered. You've got decades of parties ahead of you with your son - you'll probably only have a handful with your grandmother. If the relationship was difficult before you had your son, then be honest and realistic. At the moment, you sound like a whining 12 year old.

TechnoKitten · 03/10/2010 23:21

You're not being unreasonable to feel pissed off that your DS's first birthday is being somehow spoiled by your gran organising something a week previously - however I suspect a lot of posters disagreeing above have more than one child!

I know I was horrendously precious about DS1's first birthday, while DS2's almost got lost in the general run up to Christmas that year (DS2 is a December baby).

I'm not going to fling PFB at you because I know how important birthday parties are to me in particular, but I can see the point of view of a 90 year old wanting to appease grandchildren who were excluded from other celebrations earlier. Maybe she'd like all her family around her?

I think if I were you, I would probably call your gran and explain that you feel DS1's birthday is really important and could the family as a whole celebrate it at her gathering? If she's anything like my gran was, she'll be thrilled that you want to share something so special to you on a day that she's organised.

Would it be so bad to move your party forward 6 days? Your DS isn't going to know and when he's older you'll find his birthday party often falls at least a week away from the actual day (weekends generally not being obliging and falling when you want them to).

Take balloons, banners, tell the family it's a joint celebration of the oldest and the youngest together.

mumof2children · 03/10/2010 23:23

my nephew birthday is 3 days before my son, it is not a competition of who has the biggest party.

mumof2children · 03/10/2010 23:27

technokitten my 1st child had a joint brthday with my nephew as after 12 month with little sleep and working full time it was the easer option.

hanette · 03/10/2010 23:27

A joint celebration will make everyone happy. She may not be around for next year and no matter how difficult she is, your DS won't know the difference in date. I had victoria sponge and candles from somerfied for my kid's first birthdays, just with me and DH. They won't know the difference - you've got years ahead to plan fab parties, she hasn't.

Original poster
Hazeleyedbaby · 03/10/2010 23:33

a joint celebration isn't a valid option, she lives over an hour away and I have friends/ DS family to invite too

OP posts:
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