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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Aibu thinking 1st time parents sent home too fast

59 replies

lilyliz · 03/10/2010 21:46

young couple next door home from hosp seven hours after birth of their 1st DD.The two of them don't have parents or other rellies around and are totally at a loss what to do with this new being,would it not be better to keep mum in a few days to sort of show her the ropes.I know myself and others will help but there is maybe folk out there with no one.

OP posts:

suzikettles · 03/10/2010 22:38

I stayed in 3 days. In retrospect I'd have been so much better at home.

Yes there was bf help, but it was patchy and contradictory, and tbh some of the loneliest hours of my life were spent in that postnatal ward watching the dawn rise. If I'd been at home at least dh would have been there to help me/be with me.

It's a nice idea that you'd be shown the ropes but in practice we were expected to get on with it and use the buzzer as little as possible.

loveinsuburbia · 03/10/2010 22:42

There are two different questions here:

Do new parents need more post-natal support and more practical help with what to expect?
Is the best place for that to happen in hospital?

I would say YES! to the first and "Hmm, not so sure" to the second question.

DaisyDaresYOU · 03/10/2010 22:42

Its not like you get any rest either.Once your baby sleeps another 3babies cry

mummysgoingmad · 03/10/2010 22:45

YANBU they sent me home 1 day after my emergency section. When i got home my midwife realised they sent me home with no pain relief and an awful infection in my wound.

prozacfairy · 04/10/2010 06:02

You think it's a bad thing?

I gave birth on a Tuesday and went home on the Thursday. Couldn't come soon enough, I hated it, noise, bed, bossy staff, the two teenage boys visiting the girl in the bed next to me who took a photo of me with my boob out while I attempted to BF.

Should I ever have another baby I plan to discharge myself within an hour or 2 of giving birth. I'd much rather be at home.

ethelina · 04/10/2010 06:17

I thought i would want to be home same day, truth was, i was grateful to be offered an extra night in the MLU. I felt completely drained and unable to function very well. I was in a room of my own though, with recliner chair, blankets and pillows for dh to stay the
night, ensuite wetroom and kitchen facilities.

The postnatal ward sounded a nightmare when the hearing test lady described it. Imagine I would have demanded to go home early if I was up there.

marenmj · 04/10/2010 06:46

Ugh - I actually lied to the midwives (about having poo'd, TMI) so that they would let me go home! I was there overnight but would have loved to be miserable at home in my own bed instead of there. The only thing they gave me for the pain from my tear was paracetamol and I had that in my cabinet at home!

No such thing as YA/NBU on this one as everyone's comfort levels will vary. What one woman finds woefully inadequate will be soffocating for another.

belgo · 04/10/2010 07:02

YANBU. it's not that they are being sent home too fast, but they are being sent home without sufficient backup if there is a problem - which is why there are parents of babies just days or even hours old, coming on mumsnet desperately looking for feeding advice or even advice on which to do when their 14 hour old baby is vomiting.

ScroobiousPip · 04/10/2010 07:05

Good post loveinsurburbia.

I agree that there needs to be more post-natal support but I don't think hospital is the right place. Lots of reasons already stated but particularly including lack of support for bfing (eg banning mums from co-sleeping with babies on the ward, MWs who haven't got a clue how to help est bfing etc), lack of space for partners to stay, noise, general uncleanliness of hospitals making them unsuitable for babies and young children.

Sounds like this young couple will get much better support from you, lilyliz, and the other neighbours than they would from a hospital.

Panzee · 04/10/2010 07:11

I didn't realise you got visits at home from the midwife. If I'd known that I would have gone home earlier.

BeenBeta · 04/10/2010 07:17

lilyliz - good on you offering to give a helping hand.

Does anyone actually remember coming home atually knowing what to do with a baby?

DS1 (age 10) now expresses a mixture of mirth and horror that we were allowed to actually take him home and had not had to have special lessons.

Joking apart we had no support network either but DW was glad to get away from the bossy staff nurse, noisy occupants and the general dirt and chaos of post natal recovery ward as it as called.

Certainly agree more imediate and regular home visits from health visitor would have been a massive help. DW felt rotten afterwards, really struggled to establish BF on her own and pretty much had given up before the health visitor came several weeks later. I guess it is all down to money.

gingernutlover · 04/10/2010 07:22

it sounds like they have lots of help available, you sound like lovely neighbours.

YANBU to think that new mums should get a lot more support than what a lot of us experience. I actually spent 4 nights on a horrible postnatal ward because dd was jaundiced and they wouldnt okay us to go home. I had a horrendous time feeding, I got no help at all and the midwives were pretty offhand and unhelpful.

There are a lot of things that could be different ...

nooka · 04/10/2010 07:23

If you've had anti-natal classes then they usually do a practice run on the bathing thing (not that you actually have to do that in the first few days in any case) and changing nappies isn't really very hard. Establishing breastfeeding can be very tricky, but hospitals are rarely pleasant relaxing places and I think that's what many people need. Familiar surroundings to adjust to a new life.

Personally I think it is fantastic that they let you out so soon. I had to stay in 3 or 4 days for my two because I had a c-section and they wouldn't let me out earlier and I was desperate to get home to my own bed, my own food and freedom (oh and most of all to darkness and quiet at night to get any sleep at all). Had planned a home birth with ds in any case.

borderslass · 04/10/2010 07:24

It seems things have really changed unless it's just England but here in Scotland [at least when mine where born] midwife visited for first 10 days and after that the health visitor for another week then baby clinic.

nooka · 04/10/2010 07:24

I had a visit visited every day for the first 10 days by the community midwife. That was ten years ago now though.

sparkle12mar08 · 04/10/2010 07:27

" loveinsuburbia Sun 03-Oct-10 22:42:40

There are two different questions here:

Do new parents need more post-natal support and more practical help with what to expect?
Is the best place for that to happen in hospital?

I would say YES! to the first and "Hmm, not so sure" to the second question. "

loveinsuburbia has got it nailed, I couldn't agree more. I had a homebirth both times so the mw's left with 90mins or so! but I had daily visits for a week with mt first and 3 times a week for a little while after that. They were unstintingly generous with their time depite all the pressures they must have been under. With my second I got one visit the first week and one the second then was signed over to the hv team, from whom I got one introductory visit and then declined the rest.

Better quality, more frequent post natal support is necessary in this country but I strongly believe it should be based in the mother's home if at all possible.

strawberrycake · 04/10/2010 07:38

Postnatal wards are hellish, I spend 3 days behind closed curtains feeling isolated and scared. I accidently sat on the call button once and the midwife flung the curtains open not too happy with me!

My blues disappeared once I was home with dh.

strawberrycake · 04/10/2010 07:40

Oh and I didn't get a midwife visit the next day either, I never managed to bf and I was desperate for help.

Marjoriew · 04/10/2010 07:40

When my grandson was born - he is now 11, my daughter was a single mum.
The ward was short-staffed and approaching a Bank Holiday. ~They were discharging mums after 6-8 hours.
She was living in homeless accommodation at the time and they wanted to send her home with baby. I said she could stop with me until she was housed.
However, I wasn't happy about baby - he was tired and wouldn't suck and feed properly. When I queried this with the Staff Nurse, she said he would be fine. Still not happy, I asked to see the paediatrician and put my concerns to him. His response was that 'all these unmarried mums are the same - paranoid about their babies'.
Again, I said I didn't feel comfortable taking baby and mum home.
As I was finishing my conversation with the paediatrician, my grandson had a heart attack in his cot. Rushing him down to SCBU, it was followed quickly by another heart attack.
He was too ill to be moved and within a day or so was taken to the John Radcliffe in Oxford and had Heart Surgery X 2.
If they had kept her in a few more days............

ethelina · 04/10/2010 07:44

I used to express horror at my MiL's tale of 10 day postnatal period in bed in the nursing home but now I can see just how useful that was to have no responsibilities outside looking after baby. Other child was looked after by nanny and father visited every day. Midwife in nursing home in charge and all needs taken care of. Of course it came with it's own set of problems not least that she was expected to stay in bed but it did mean she had nothing else to concentrate on but bonding with baby.

gastrognome · 04/10/2010 07:44

I was lucky as I gave birth here in Brussels, where the policy is usually to keep new mothers in hospital for 4-5 days after the birth (10 days post-caesarian), or until baby has regained its birth wait. I was kept in for five days as my newborn was jaundiced so she had UV light treatment.

My health insurance covered the cost of a private room, so I was really comfy, with a TV and private shower room. My husband could stay over (hospital even provided a fold out bed for him). I got loads of support from the nurses in getting breastfeeding established, and they encouraged me to co-sleep with baby. Even the food was (almost) OK.

I think if I'd have left earlier I'd struggled more with breastfeeding. But I was lucky in that the hospital I was at is very pro-breastfeeding and the nurses are trained to give new mothers good, helpful support. Not every hospital in Belgium is like that, I don't think, and not everybody has health insurance that covers a private room.

But certainly compared to my friends' experiences in the UK, it feels like I was at a five-star hotel!

backwardpossom · 04/10/2010 07:46

My experience was much like dilemma had - I was in for 4 nights after DS was born. The hospital staff were great - they showed me how to bath him, they changed his nappy when I couldn't get out of bed (after visiting hours, or DH would have done it) and they showed me how to do that and feed him. The midwives, auxiliary staff and even the cleaner came for chats (and hugs - I'd lost my MIL a week before giving birth, sadly) and to help (like when he wouldn't stop crying the first night, they took him through to their station so I could get a sleep for a couple of hours). They showed me how to swaddle him, how to feed lying down etc and when I left, I felt 'ready' if you get what I mean.

However it's not for everyone and some people would rather be at home ASAP, so I'd say yes, YABU. It's up to the individual.

toddlerama · 04/10/2010 07:50

prozac that's bloody awful! Did you get them kicked out??

I stayed until I was ready to go. 5 days first time and 4 days second time. I can recommend the Horton in Banbury as an NHS hospital with space and time for everyone! Got loads of help and support. In fact, I went back in with DD2 as I was struggling and was given a private room for as long as I needed it whilst we tried to sort BF. Didn't manage it, but not for lack of support. Was back in for another 3 days.

fatlazymummy · 04/10/2010 08:12

When my 1st was born, 1st time Mums had to stay in for 5 days. They did help us with bathing babies, feeding etc. I hated it , it's the only birth I came close to feeling depressed [although that may have been more to do with breastfeeding]. With my 2nd birth I was discharged from the delivery room after 3 hours, the 3rd time I had a homebirth.
I think for parents who do need help [although I personally didn't need it] then they should have the opportunity to stay in hospital for at least a couple of days.

Morloth · 04/10/2010 08:25

They shouldn't be kicked out but neither should they be kept in if they don't want to. I couldn't get out fast enough. I just wanted my own bed.

DH does all household stuff and looks after me, and does nappies, I feed the baby and sleep. That was pretty much it for the first month.

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