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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Reasonable request from MIL or AIBU?

42 replies

ShirtyGerty · 03/10/2010 10:43

MIL came to visit DH and I yesterday for the first time ever. Before, we have have always gone up to visit her as she is elderly and not very mobile - she lives three hours drive/train away.

I am 20 weeks preg and just thought that she was excited about the baby and wanted to talk baby stuff without waiting for us to go up there. Not much opprtunity to talk outside our visits as she and I never talk on the phone because she and DH has a longstanding system where DH calls her once a week as she won't phone us 'because she doesn't want to intrude'.

Anyway, she arrives and sites down and immediately says;

"This visit is an experiment. When the baby comes I?ll come down for a day every two weeks. My sister does it with her grandchildren and when she is there, their mother goes out to the hairdressers. You must leave me alone with the baby. If you are here too we?ll just chat to each other. Its important for children to be with their grandparents alone. And you?ll need a break."

I was pretty shocked. I have no intention of doing this as she's very unsteady on her feet and cannot stand - so wherever she goes she walks with a stick which has a little seat built into it. She's very scatty and always dropping things on the floor and walking out in front of traffic and her eyesight is terrible. She once spent quite some time feeding a cat Oil of Olay instead of its medicine because they came in similar containers. She's just not capable in my view of looking after a small baby by herself. No way.

So I smiled and said nothing. Mentioned it to DH later repeating what she had said (he was there but rarely listens to her) and said that if she brings this up he should manage her expectations a bit as its not happening. I didn't go into why - just said I'd rather not leave my newborn with anyone.

He turned on me saying that his DM would never say something like that or order me to do something.

Its all a bit of a mess. Will try to make things better with DH today and explain it again but AIBU? What should I say? She's a well meaning and I do not want to hurt her feelings. I can be quite direct about things that I'm sure of and will need to come up with something more sensitive than my ususal 'No - becuase I don't want too'.

OP posts:
DuelingFanjo · 03/10/2010 10:46

I think that you need to get your DH to call his mum and get her to clarify what she meant. If he hears it from the horses mouth then perhaps he will realise that what she is asking is unreasonable.

TheUnmentioned · 03/10/2010 10:48

My MIL is like this though she is very active and mobile etc so there are no concerns there, I just wouldnt and havent left my kids with anyone when theyre small. Tbh I do just say 'I dont feel comfortable with it' and leave it at that. I wouldnt get into an argument, i just make it clear its non negotiable.

Pheebe · 03/10/2010 10:49

Personally I would ignore it. It simply won't happen. Once baby is here your DH will realise his mum is simply not capable of looking after a newborn and you'll be able to support him in managing his mums expectations then. People say and do weird things when the first gc is on the way. Just ignore for now, no point in making a song and dance about something thats still months away. If she brings it up again just agree with DH to make some washy statement about how you'll see once the baby is here.

Tippychoocks · 03/10/2010 10:50

How was it an experiment when there's no baby yet? She sounds a little confused sadly. I don't think it's a good idea, given what you have said about her limitations but if DH is touchy then it will be difficult.

When the time comes can you say no nicely and stick to it without explaining? Do you think DH will back you up if it comes to it?

lucy101 · 03/10/2010 10:51

I think you have to trust your instincts that you can't leave a newborn with her... and your DH is just in denial that she said these things which is a total pain... but it seems that she really does want to spend more time with your grandchildren (which is lovely) or is lonely and feeling left out so is there a way that you can find for that to happen in a way that you manage e.g. if not every other week then once a month but you spend the day together (and make it a weekend so you and DH split the time with her?).

If your DH doesn't support you on this then you will just have to quietly just take control of the situation and gently stick to your guns. You absolutely do not have to do what either she or DH wants if it goes against what you thinks is best for you and the baby. If something bad happened you would never forgive yourself, DH or her and that would be terrible.

If she is becoming more frail then the conversation about her not being able to do this is inevitable anyway so DH is going to have to face up to that (or you will at the cost of being 'bad' DIL). I think you handled it admirably by talking about 'managing expectations' btw.

Habbibu · 03/10/2010 10:54

Are you planning on breastfeeding? tell her you'll be feeding on demand, and so unable to leave the baby. I know that's not strictly true, but it's a more painless excuse.

HecateQueenOfWitches · 03/10/2010 10:58

that's very simple to sort out.

first get his agreement that she is too frail to be left alone with a baby.

then get him to call her.

"Hi mum, how are you, shirty tells me you visited...."

then if she tells him she wants to look after the baby, he'll have to tell her that's not possible.

And he has to tell her. You do not put a baby into the care of someone who, even through no fault of their own, is not able to physically care for them jsut because you don't want to hurt that person's feelings

That's just insane! oh well, she might drop the baby on his/her head but never mind, she'll be upset if we say no. Hmm

Original poster
ShirtyGerty · 03/10/2010 11:02

Thank you for the advice lovely MNs. Sometimes I just don't know what would I do without you.

OP posts:
5DollarShake · 03/10/2010 11:03

"Her sister does it with her grandchildren".

Am I right in assuming these grandchildren are not newborns?

Being left 'in charge' of children is quite different from being left wih a totally helpless newborn. Are we quite sure that her sister was left alone with her DC when they were brand new? I doubt it.

Agree with the others that I'd probably let it lie for now, and deal with it when/if it arises, as it may become quite apparent to everyone that she is not up to the job and so a big stand-off may not even be unnecessary.

In any case, no, YANBU. :)

Original poster
ShirtyGerty · 03/10/2010 11:06

Yes - her sister's grandchildren are now in their teens.

OP posts:
onimolap · 03/10/2010 11:07

I was wondering why she wants to do this, and I came up with 2 possibles: she has always believed that's what grandparents should do (and she's right about how nice it is to have "time off", even though she's wrong about her likely ability to deliver it), and also that she wants to "keep up with the Joneses" in terms of her group of friends.

Do you have any further feel for what she sees is in it for her? Can you work with it? You sound nice and sensitive to her feelings, so changing her expectations gently is the way ahead.

Some of it will happen naturally, as the reality of the scale of what she's currently offering sets in (a nice patch of bad weather and/or transport disruptions may help here).

Also, what you want (or in the case of bf-ing) may need to do, may alter things. For example, if your house is well babyproofed, you may feel able to leave her with the baby whilst you stay on the premises to have a bit if pampering or a nap. Or you could all go out together, on the pretext of showing her the things to do near your house. You may find that getting her to take the baby out for a walk in the pram is low risk enough, and would still give her enough to talk to her friends about.

And get DH onside in reducing the likely frequency of visits.

Good luck!

HecateQueenOfWitches · 03/10/2010 11:08

It does sound like she's not doing it because she wants to be with the baby, but to keep up in some odd competition with her sister.

Your baby is a prop to her. So she can crow to her sister.

5DollarShake · 03/10/2010 11:09

There we have it, then.

She cannot expect to be left in charge of a newbie, not least if you are breastfeeding.

I'm surprised she doesn't see this - and the fact that she doesn't is all the more reason not to leave a baby with her!

Original poster
ShirtyGerty · 03/10/2010 11:14

I know that she is sad that she doesn't have the same set up as her sister who has eight grandchildren that live nearby.

OP posts:
Anenome · 03/10/2010 11:14

yanbu...Forget about it entirely....if and when she does request alone time ith the baby you only need to keep smilin and refuse.

That's all. Just say "No, I won't be going out but you're welcome to feed/change/cuddle the baby when you want."

And leave the room if she argues.

M own MIL demanded alone time and as she was fit I let her....she also demanded a portion of my DD's clothign be kept at her house! Er...no! When I left DD with her one time, I came back early and found DD with a shitty nappy yelling in her travelcot whilst MIL browsed the net!

Original poster
ShirtyGerty · 03/10/2010 11:18

There is a lot of loss going on too which is I why I want to be sensitive.

Her DH died of cancer 20 years ago. Her eldest son was killed in a plane crash 10 years ago. DH lives far away five years ago and his DD from his first marriage was taken away by the ex to live on the other side of the world when she was just eight weeks old. (They come to the UK once every two years or so.)

In my family things are much less intense but for her this baby is a much longed for happy event.

OP posts:
ledkr · 03/10/2010 11:18

Seems bizzarre to me.Is she mad?I have never left my newborns with anyone for a while and certainly not at anyones request but my own.
I am 22 weeks and have been on a few threads here panicking about pil taking root here foe a few weeks post birth but they certainly wouldnt expect to do this.It is hard tho i know cos if they are mummys boys like my dh you dont want to be upsetting anyone. If dh wont speak to her why not write her a nice letter explaining that what she suggested will not be happening and suggesting a reasonable alternative. Word it carefully so its not an option but a definate thing. I feel better since i realised that no matter what it was me having the c section/baby/trying to keep siblings happy etc and that i would make the rules.

Original poster
ShirtyGerty · 03/10/2010 11:22

Yep - its my first baby but I'm not leaving him/her with anyone at first. Especially not when told to.

OP posts:
hairytriangle · 03/10/2010 11:28

I'd take massive umbridge from anyone who 'told' me what I 'must' do, so no YABU.

hairytriangle · 03/10/2010 11:29

dur. I meant YANBU!

ssd · 03/10/2010 11:31

make sure you leave the baby for a day with your dh, let him know first hand how much bloody hard work it is and I don't mean him watching you, I mean you go out and leave him to it

then you'll have no problem convincing him how impossible it would be to leave his elderly, confused mum alone with a small baby

BTW how old is your MIL?

MadAboutQuavers · 03/10/2010 11:35

Does your DP think you're making it up then, Shirty?

He needs to ask her himself what her expectations and ideas are about what will happen when baby arrives. And then YANBU in putting your foot down very firmly

diddl · 03/10/2010 11:36

I would leave it for the moment tbh, but just be sure that if you do not want to do it you don´t have to-ever.

So, if when baby is still small she visits & expects you to go out I would either just say no, it´s not happening, or why would you think that´s happening, did I ask you?

loubielou31 · 03/10/2010 12:06

Could you say "your offer is very kind and I'm sure that there are times when WE'LL appreciate the help but for the time being WE'D really much rather just see how things go and see what help we need especially for the first few months." Maybe just reassure her that she'd be welcome to visit and someone to make cups of tea is always welcome but I certainly wouldn't have wanted a visitor for a whole day once a fortnight when my dds were newborn.

frakkinnakkered · 03/10/2010 12:29

Whilst it's lovely she wants to come I think you're right to be concerned. Maybe you could suggest to minimise the strain on her she comes once or twice a week? Also say you don't think you'll be up to going out/want to be around to establish BFing but you'd love it if she could watch the baby which you have a nap/shower? That way you're in the house IYSWIM.

For the first few times you can potter round while she sits on the sofa and cuddles. I suspect she'll realise she's not up to it.