Reasonable request from MIL or AIBU?

[ShirtyGerty]

MIL came to visit DH and I yesterday for the first time ever. Before, we have have always gone up to visit her as she is elderly and not very mobile - she lives three hours drive/train away.

I am 20 weeks preg and just thought that she was excited about the baby and wanted to talk baby stuff without waiting for us to go up there. Not much opprtunity to talk outside our visits as she and I never talk on the phone because she and DH has a longstanding system where DH calls her once a week as she won't phone us 'because she doesn't want to intrude'.

Anyway, she arrives and sites down and immediately says;

"This visit is an experiment. When the baby comes I?ll come down for a day every two weeks. My sister does it with her grandchildren and when she is there, their mother goes out to the hairdressers. You must leave me alone with the baby. If you are here too we?ll just chat to each other. Its important for children to be with their grandparents alone. And you?ll need a break."

I was pretty shocked. I have no intention of doing this as she's very unsteady on her feet and cannot stand - so wherever she goes she walks with a stick which has a little seat built into it. She's very scatty and always dropping things on the floor and walking out in front of traffic and her eyesight is terrible. She once spent quite some time feeding a cat Oil of Olay instead of its medicine because they came in similar containers. She's just not capable in my view of looking after a small baby by herself. No way.

So I smiled and said nothing. Mentioned it to DH later repeating what she had said (he was there but rarely listens to her) and said that if she brings this up he should manage her expectations a bit as its not happening. I didn't go into why - just said I'd rather not leave my newborn with anyone.

He turned on me saying that his DM would never say something like that or order me to do something.

Its all a bit of a mess. Will try to make things better with DH today and explain it again but AIBU? What should I say? She's a well meaning and I do not want to hurt her feelings. I can be quite direct about things that I'm sure of and will need to come up with something more sensitive than my ususal 'No - becuase I don't want too'.

i'd be really annoyed at her telling you what's best for your baby. If she's anything like my so-called MIL you might find this is the thin end of the wedge in the years to come.

It is sad in a way as she is clearly in some denial about her capacities but yes, another thing entirely to be told.

When she visits, can she be given a very basic level of responsibility such as watching baby while you get on with doing something in the next room? Would she be able to shout loudly enough for you to hear if need be?

Firstly, I think it is great that she is wanting to spend time with her grandchild and to give you some time to yourself

Secondly, she will not have been around babies for a while and her first few visits after the baby is born will give her an insight into the issues

Thirdly, as many have said ... this will not even remotely become an issue for ages because you will be breastfeeding/tired/not up to going out/etc for a substantial number of visits

Lastly, I loved the idea that your husband was sat in the room but did not even notice this conversation

"Firstly, I think it is great that she is wanting to spend time with her grandchild and to give you some time to yourself"

I´m obviously weird as I never wanted time to myself.

I think you can compromise that she can come down for a day every 2 weeks or so and she can spend time with the baby but just make sure she's there.

She can be involved in helping with baby and doing things but if she needs to move with baby you can step in and help out.

I'd be careful how you tread with this, appreciate you need to protect your baby and rightly so but you need to be mindful of MIL's feelings.

However, I think there is compromise on both sides so everyone is happy.

Your biggest problem is not your MIL but the fact that you husband doesn't seem to believe you. THAT is what you need to get sorted, and fast.

In answer to the actual question though, no, YANBU.

It is hardly going to be for the whole day is it, though

She is an elderly woman who is having to travel 3 hours each way so it is going to be a few hours at most

I think the point is that she is telling OP what is going to happen-and dressing it up as if she is doing OP a favour!

With that attitude I wouldn´t leave her with the baby even if I wanted to

And if MIL is coming to OPs house, then either one of them have to be going out to give OP "time on her own"

I don't think it matters if it's for a few hours. What if the baby is screaming and needs picking up and changing/feeding? From the OP I have some concerns as to how easily the MIL would be able to do those tasks.

Our in-laws visit every fortnight at a minimum at the moment and always offer to let us go out for a couple of hours when they're here. But there's two of them, they're not elderly/frail and they never insist.

You need your DH to step in here - I'd be rather annoyed if mine didn't in the same situation. If he doesn't, though, it's not as if you can be made to leave your baby alone. Just stick to your guns.

Best of luck

Could this situation not simply be manipulated to your benefit?

Once she comes to see you with a newborn, she will quickly realise that there's not a lot she can do, but what she can do is get to know her grandchild.
I'm coming from a position where my dp's don't care if only see their gc once a year, even though they live a 20 minute drive away.

My late mil used to make comments that I always saw as her telling me what to do, and trying to intefere, but in hindsight, she never tried to interfere, she was simply trying to be a part (no matter how small) in our lives.
Is it at all possible that you have (and I mean this in the nicest possible way!) slightly misheard her suggestion, and have taken it the wrong way? (and truly, I only ask because I took most things my mil said the wrong way)

DH said that he thought it was 'out of character' for her to be telling me what to do - so yes, he's basically saying that he doesn't believe me that she said all this. Even though he was sitting at the same table as her when she said it.

He says he's going to clarify what she meant next time he speaks to her on the phone.

ShirtyGerty - I can see why you're upset with your DH for not believing you. That would make me very cross too. But it does sound like he's happy to talk to MIL to clarify, so job done on that one.

On your MIL, my advice would be to try and focus on the intent behind what she's saying - keen to have a relationship with her DGC, and would like to visit regularly when they arrive - and worry less about the details.

I got very tense with MIL when our DS was due/arrived. He is her first, long awaited and probably only, grandchild. She is still young, but has not been active due to arthritis (she's just had a knee replacement at only 65).

She made lots of remarks about wanting to have the baby visit her, him going to stay overnight, providing childcare, etc, etc.

After the first few months - which we found very difficult as DS was (and still is) a very poor sleeper - I suggested that she might like to come and visit me and DS every two, three or four weeks. It was her choice to come every two weeks (I couldn't face weekly). Initially the visits were quite a chore for me, but after a couple of months where we had some quite honest chats about stuff other than her time with DS, we got into a nice pattern.

As DS is very mobile, and DMIL is not, what has worked well for us is that I leave them to it in the front room while I potter elsewhere in the house - cooking, cleaning, whatever. She does the odd nappy, reads to him, has lovely playtimes.

I've probably only left them twice in about a year of visits. Once to go to GP and another time to go to Post Office. No more than an hour or so. She's also babysat twice for a couple of hours so DH and I could go out.

She has loved her time with DS, and totally accepts that I will leave him with her when I'm ready. But that doesn't stop her building up a relationship with him.

She and I have also got a much closer relationship now, which I value as I am SAHM. She is lovely, so that of course helps!

Despite loveliness, sometimes she says something troubling (like your own MIL). I try to remind myself that I use DH as a sounding board and, as she is single, she doesn't have anybody to fill that role, so her ideas are unfiltered/tested before they got to us. I suspect this might be the case with your MIL's statement.

There is definitely an element of comparing notes between grannies, I would say. But this pales compared to the complete and utter love that 99.9% of grannies feel for their GCs.

Sorry for the length, but hope this might reassure you a little. I'd also go so far as to say don't worry if your DH doesn't raise it with your MIL, she's hardly going to be able to wrench the baby from your arms and leg it, so it will be your rules so far as that goes, whatever she says.

Like a previous poster, I also think it sounds like she has been told that is what grandparents do and is gearing up to "do her bit".
I would be pretty annoyed with your DH for not believing you though.

Do you actually need to do anything at this stage? You could always just ignore what she's said - when your DC arrives, just invite MIL over on your terms as and when you want her to come round. If you don't want to leave MIL in sole charge, you don't have to go out. You are in control of the situation. She has to fit in with your choices here, not the other way around...

yanbu. She is.

Well, it seems to me your MIL is usually a considerate person- you seem to have a good general relationship with her, she doesn't phone you for fear of disturbing you, etc- which could be why your DH is finding it hard to believe she is acting so dogmatically. (Funny he just tunes her out, though...). Once he's established what she intends to do, though, you need to make sure he is on-side. I wouldn't pussyfoot around telling her it's because you're establishing breastfeeding or anything else. I would tell her, clearly and unequivocally, that although you would be delighted for her to visit more, given her eyesight and occasional unsteadiness, you are not going to leave her on her own with a newborn, because it's not safe. Tell her that you aren't happy, for instance, at the idea of her carrying the baby up or down the stairs, or of her mixing a feed, in light of the Oil of Olay episode. She will surely see that it was a bad idea from the start?

...We have a similar situation with my MIL, who is elderly. DS is the PFGC and she adores him, and we take him to see her once a week. She was always suggesting we might like to go out for a walk and leave DS with her, but I was never keen. Now he's a bit older (5 months), I'm happy to go out for a walk with DH as long as we can be almost sure DS won't need feeding or a nappy change. Maybe you could do something similar with your MIL, as a compromise, once she's earned her stripes, so to speak?