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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be mildly peeved that MIL talked to DD about "unmarrying"?

30 replies

anonymousbird · 01/10/2010 13:38

DD (4) said something really weird last night, about "unmarrying" someone. I asked her some more, and she explained that if you didn't like someone any more, maybe you would get "unmarried". I assumed that someone at school had maybe talked about this, ie. a parent had explained something to one of the children about this as either they or someone close was going through it. In which case, I would be fine about it, that is all part of growing up and if a child in her class is dealing with it, and shares it with the classmates and mentions it to DD, then that is just the natural way of the world. I accept that.

But DD said that Granny said it, last week, when DH and I were out. How and why would that subject come up? There are no splits in the family, or nearest and dearest. Why would she suddenly feel the need to explain to my daughter about people getting "unmarried"? I know I cannot (and do not want to) protect her from the realities of life forever but she is only 4 and it is the kind of thing I would want to explain to her in my own good time or if the need arose.

She was sad when she was talking about it, it really upset me. I know I can't predict the future, and nothing is guaranteed, but DH and I are rock solid. There is no hint or reason to think that we will get "unmarried". I don't want her thinking for a single second that something like that could happen and that her family security could possibly be anything other than 100%.

I've only just (a week or so ago) had to explain to them about someone dying (an elderly neighbour) so now most definitely would not be an appropriate time in my mind, to explain about "unmarrying".

AIBU to wonder about intentions/be a bit pissed off?

BTW, I adore my MIL. She is wonderful. Just prone to the occasional "wobble" from time to time...

OP posts:
Iklboo · 01/10/2010 13:40

Maybe they were watching a programme and divorce came up? Your DD may have asked what 'divorce' was.

taintedpaint · 01/10/2010 13:41

YANBU, this is quite strange. It could have come up in conversation I guess, but I'm not really sure how. It's possible your DD has heard something at school about it and asked your MIL, but it does seem odd. I would have a word with MIL, just asking what the circumstances were.

Original poster
anonymousbird · 01/10/2010 13:42

Well, I wondered about that, asked DD has she seen something on television, she said no, just that Granny was talking about it... I don't know, I am probably being a bit unreasonable, but it just got to me because it clearly made DD quite sad, and to have her asking me about whether Mummy and Daddy might get unmarried made my heart very heavy.

Hmm.

OP posts:
taintedpaint · 01/10/2010 13:52

I agree with you, and I would still definitely say something. You don't have to be accusatory or go in with all guns blazing, but it's something that's upset your DD and therefore you need to know what's caused that. Your MIL probably wasn't malicious at all, but the conversation she has had with your DD has resulted in her worrying about you and your DH splitting. Poor little thing shouldn't be worrying about that!

SweetBeadieRussell · 01/10/2010 13:54

If it was my MIL i'd be up in arms but that's because she's a nasty piece of work. In your case you can probably talk to her and ask her straight why she was talking to dd about it, and to tell her the effect it's had on her.

Iklboo · 01/10/2010 13:54

You could just say something like 'DD said the strangest thing the other day....' and see where that goes?

IUsedToBeFab · 01/10/2010 13:55

You need to ask your MIL.

Original poster
anonymousbird · 01/10/2010 13:56

taintedpaint. That is precisely how I feel, not "cross" as such, and definitely not looking for an excuse for a show down. Quite the opposite actually, and it won't have been malicious, but that is it - DD was very sad. And it's been a week - so suspect she has been thinking about it since last Friday.. Sad

Thanks for the hug. I can tell you I gave her an extra special big one as we said good night last night!

OP posts:
Original poster
anonymousbird · 01/10/2010 13:57

I will ask her, I can easily drop it into conversation, like you suggest. I'm not wound up about it, and it can wait, was just a bit confused and wondered whether I was being silly or right to wonder...

Thanks for the advice, all very helpful.

OP posts:
lady007pink · 01/10/2010 13:57

The first time I heard about divorce I was 4. I asked my mother if the girl out of ABBA was married, she explained she was once married but not anymore.

So maybe it was a conversation like that which led to your MIL saying this to your DD??

ValiumSingleton · 01/10/2010 14:01

Why is it so distressing for you to think that your daughter might just be aware that sometimes people divorced. I think it is the best thing for some families. My children were not only 'aware' of this but benefited from it really....

I think your viewpoint is a bit outdated. eg, taking the position that divorce is always bad, like say violence. Life is not a fairy tale. I wouldn't present life as being a fairytale, not even to tiny children.

So, you are being UR to be annoyed with your MIL. Sounds like she was just putting divorce into words a 4 year old can understand.

Laquitar · 01/10/2010 14:01

1 in 3 marriages end in divorce. Your dd will hear the word 'divorce' many times and she will ask questions about it. Also she will have many friends whos parents are divorced. Don't make this such a big deal.

ValiumSingleton · 01/10/2010 14:03

Absolutely Laquitar, don't make it a big deal.

Don't tiptoe around it as though it were a tripple homocide or something. It's not. It's divorce, and sometimes it's what families have to do so that they can be happy again - apart.

Your child will only be upset if they pick up on YOUR 'heavy heart'.

nannylocal · 01/10/2010 14:06

I can't see the problem really. She will find out about this sort of stuff at some point and in a way it's better if they do so early as they find it easier to assimilate into their knowledge of the world. It's harder to get to grips with if you've no idea that people 'unmarry' and then discover this age 8/9/10 for example.

It's a good idea for kids to know at a really young age that everyone's family is different e.g. "some people's mummy and daddy live together, some people's mummy and daddy live in different houses, some people have two mummies or two daddies, some people have a mummy or daddy, but not both, some people have lots of brothers and sisters, some people don't have any etc etc, and it's nice that we all have different families or it would be very boring wouldn't it?' I find something along those lines is usually quite effective.

You can tell her that she has a family where mummy and daddy live together. That's just the way it is. In the same way she doesn't have two dads ot two mums etc. Most 4 year olds will be happy with this.

It doesn't sound as though you MIL meant any harm, perhaps she just didn't explain it very well? I'd maybe ask for the context of the conversation, just out of interest really.

ValiumSingleton · 01/10/2010 14:13

Again, exactly nannylocal.

I know anonymousbird doesn't mean any harm, but by sending her children into school with such a white picket fence 2.4 children... her children will find my children freakishly odd.

Protect your children by all means, but protect them from what it is that may harm them.

Divorce has been the salvation of many women and children.

sallyseton · 01/10/2010 14:59

YABU, it's something that happens every day, not something that your dd needs to be shielded from.

It also sounds very like granny answered a question- don't see any reason why she would bring it up of her own accord.

If your marriage is solid then there's no reason why she would have fears about divorce iyswim. Knowing that divorce exists is not going to make her insecure.

PerArduaAdNauseum · 01/10/2010 15:02

Give MIL a call and ask her? Perfectly reasonable to ask about the context of something that's been on your DD's mind - I've checked with our CM a few times when DS has come back with something unexpected, and she's always been happy to explain. Just tell your MIL you want to make sure DD's getting a consistent message - and ask if everything's alright with her friends and family?!

Aitch · 01/10/2010 15:04

i don't understand the problem, really.

Condensedmilkaddict · 01/10/2010 15:14

YABU.

It obviously came up in conversation.

If you ask your MIL you will make her paranoid about discussing anything with your DD not preapproved by you.

And 'unmarriage' is not something you should be afraid of discussing with your child.

proudnglad · 01/10/2010 15:40

Unmarriage is a fact of life

Original poster
anonymousbird · 01/10/2010 15:53

I realise it is a fact of life, I acknowledged that. And I entirely accept that DD will come across the concept soon enough. Again, I acknowledged this.

However, it didn't "just come up in conversation", not between a Granny and her 4 yo DD, and the effect was that it made DD SAD. I didn't tell her to be sad, and yes of course divorce is a commonly occurring event.

But it made her sad, she thought about me and DH divorcing, which is NOT going to happen and she is only 4. And if it had come via a friend at school, or we had to explain due to a family circumstance, then as I also acknowledged, I accept this.

I just think it is a weird thing to have managed to discuss with your granddaughter in a brief period between arriving to babysit and DD going to bed.

That's all. But I thank you for both sides of the views as I know it was certainly not ill meant and yes, my DD needs to learn about stuff. Suppose the timing was rather crap, since we had only just dealt with a close friend's death....

Thank you all.

OP posts:
upahill · 01/10/2010 16:00

Blimey Why be pissed off?
Did you not say to DD what a funny thing to talk about, How come?'

Or leave it until next time you see MIL and say 'do you know what DD mentioned......'

Can't see why you would be worried. It sounds like a barking post to me.

( rolls eyes!!!)

upahill · 01/10/2010 16:01

annonymousbird........can I borrow your crystal ball?

Iggi999 · 01/10/2010 16:01

You will never know what provoked the conversation unless you ask. Why not ask, rather than hold this againt the MIL? Your four year old will not remember the circumstances of the conversation verbatim. YABU not to hear what MIL has to say.

Condensedmilkaddict · 01/10/2010 16:08

I can think of many ways it could come up in conversation.

Perhaps they were watching TV and a child lived with one parent.

Maybe your child heard something earlier and asked your MIL.

Maybe your child asked a random question ( as children are prone to do).

I am still struggling to understand your issue with this TBH.

I would just try to let it go and realise your MIL was doing you a favour by babysitting.
She was certainly not trying to upset you or your DD.

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