...in thinking that my partner has lost the plot.

[Uniquorn]

My partner is self-employed in a creative/technical industry where he either has an extreme amount of work on (say for an intensive few days a month, almost around the clock) or none at all (before the last 'batch' of work he did I don't think he earned anything for two months).

He's been doing this career for ten years and is obsessed about it and making a name for himself in it.

We have numerous on-going battles about the money that he is bringing in. We have just had a baby, so this is even more pertinent now.

When he does earn money he has severe cash flow problems, as the people who employ him don't seem to give a shit about paying contractors and he on average gets paid 2-3 months after doing a job, meaning that the money that comes in goes straight out again to the people who lent him money to tide him over whilst he was waiting to be paid!

He hasn't paid National Insurance in years and I am deeply worried about this, as it will affect him getting a pension in later life. He is burying his head in the sand and doesn't seem to give a shit.

He announced to me today that "my career is the most important thing to me in my life. Always has been, always will be".

This has made me deeply sad. What the hell am I supposed to think about this? :( Can a man's career REALLY be more important to him than his son and partner, or has he just lost the plot?

I am extremely sad (and angry - what a fuckwit - how can your career be the most important thing in your life?) and wondering whether I should just go it alone.

Well, the question is - what does he do to support you and your child, financial or otherwise?

If the answer is nothing then yes, you arobably are better off on your own

It sounds like he doesn't understand the need for a constant flow of income to support a family. That doesn't have to come from a monthly salary. It could come from him saving money when he is getting plenty of work then using it when he has no work. After 10 years he should have been able to work this out and also manage the cashflow so he doesn't have to borrow to get through the tough times.

He should also be paying into a private pension and not relying on the state.

I assume his comments about his career are because you suggested he get a different job (apologies if that's incorrect)? He could continue with his career but be better at managing his finances.

I just don't understand how someone's career can come before their partner and child.

I'm not one to jump to the "leave him" conclusion usually, but there doesn't seem to be a lot of love (from your OP) from either side.

Are you happy?

How does he not pay ni?

I couldn't live like that tbh.

All I can add is that no-one every said on their deathbed that they wished they had spent more time at work....... you may do well to say that to him!

The thing is, I love him very much. And despite what he said, I do honestly believe he loves me. And he of course ADORES our son.

However, as I said to him, it's absolutely fantastic that he is this brilliant hands-on Dad (he is) but if we don't have enough money to eat and pay the bills isn't he letting his son down?

No, I'm not happy at the moment because he is like an ostrich who buries his head in the sand regarding finances and I am resenting him more and more for doing this...and it's been like this for quite a while now, due to this constant argument about him finding more work to bring in more money and being more proactive in general.

I suggested that he gets a job to SUPPLEMENT his career (i.e. I have never suggested he quit his career). He seems to be against this and feels that he would risk losing momentum in his career. What a load of bollocks!

We are getting by on a combination of my maternity leave income, child benefit and my savings.

I worry a lot about:
-He doesn't have a private pension and because he hasn't been paying N.I. contributions this will impact any governmental pension (i.e. if he doesn't start paying them he won't get one!)
-He didn't pay tax for years but in the end that one worked out ok as he was earning so little that he never reached his tax threshold!
-He owes approx £2,000 to a friend and approx £1200 to my Dad. And £500 to me. The money that he gets coming in mainly has to go on his debts.
-He has NO savings.
-He has other debts of (I think) around £15k.
-He has been sat on an application form for working tax credits for months and months now without sending it in! Due to the small amount of money he earns he could be getting some tax credits. - what a waste.

I am on maternity leave at the moment (baby is 4 months) but it's now looking like I will definitely have to now get a full-time job PRONTO so that we can pay our rent.

Oh, and I forgot to mention that despite having very little money he regularly smokes weed and often comes back in the evening stoned.

I love my partner to bits and he is a GOOD PERSON, but BY GOD, on paper this is looking dreadful isn't it.

He sounds like a waste of space IMO.

You can apply for the tax credits yourself btw.

He isn't a good person. A good person would be making sure his finances were secure and stable to support his growing family. He needs to face up to his responsibilities.

He needs to grow up and you need to put your foot down now.

Do the tax credits form, make him sign it, send it off.

IMO and ime weed does nothing to help, despite what people say. If he owes you and others money he can't afford to do it, an it will only be contributing to his lack of motivation and silly ideas.

There are alot of Xmas temp jobs coming up which wouldn't tie him to a company permanently but could significantly lower your stress levels.

There's no excuse for not being organised, my dp is self employed and not that good at paperwork but it gets done and he pays his NI.

He's not taking his responsibilities seriously. He is a parent and all parents have a duty to provide a stable financial situation for their child, where possible. He is being utterly selfish in terms of money and needs to grow up.

My DH has had many (MANY MANY) money troubles over the years. I used to plead, persuade, argue, anyhting to get him to listen. In the end I agreed to take charge of the finances and now give him a set weekly spend. EVERY week he skints himself, every week I just tell him to deal with it, as I refuse to discuss it any further. Maybe your partner could use some consequences to his lack of money sense instead of bailing out. Just an idea

Are there any f/t or more regular jobs in his field, or does he have the skills and experience to take on more regular work?

Many families do manage on freelance contracts in fits and starts, but it's sounding as if he really isn't making enough money overall.

Your options are to sit down and talk how the two of you, as a partnership, can cover all you reposnsibilities - work out how much income you need over a year, how much comes in in child benefit etc, and what the gap is. Then - how can we close the gap? Hopefully this will make him realise that now he has responsibilities he needs to alter his tactics.

Or designate him a SAHD once your baby is 6m or a year old and you go out to work?

When the two of you decided to have your baby, how was it envisaged that you would manage?

He isn't being realistic - but then it's hard to out your dreams on ice - but that doesn't make him a bad person, or a waste of space if he is just soeone who needs to take stock and coe to his senses.

Why don't you get a job? or speak to iliketosleep who complains her husband works too hard?

So what are you getting out of this relationship?

I echo what has been said about parents having responsibilities to look after their children. He has had 10 years to indulge himself career wise and now should do what is in the best interests of his child.

Stop lending him money and stop allowing your family to lend him cash. You are enabling this behaviour if you continue to financially support him. What will happen when your savings run out.

He sounds like a liability to me and in your position I would seperate myself from him financially at the very least. Tbh, I would want a man who put me and our DC first, so couldn't be happy with the attitude shown by your partner.

You can love him till the cows come home but where is your food and rent money going to come from?

Firstly, YOU need to stop enabling this man. He is a father and has just as much a duty to provide for your child as you do and he is not doing his share. He is contributing nothing and then has the audacity to go out and spend what little money you do have on weed??

I could not be with someone who thought so little about the welfare of our children

I would suggest he has claimed working Tax Credit because they need your NI number, so by claiming he will be opening himself to questions as to his NI payments.

When I first read the OP, my gut reaction was to suggest changing the locks but I think that might be too strong.

If his career is so important to him, why doesn't he have a business/career plan in place, why does he not have an accountant who could sort out his tax/NI situation? If he caught with enough weed on him by the police, how does that help his career?

Do not lend him money (ever!) and make sure he pays you back. Keep your money for you and your child. I hope you don't have a joint account. If so, I would get my own account and get my wages/CB paid into it.

As jameelaq says, could you go back to work?

He sounds quite immature and maybe in order to convince him to buck up his ideas, you need to find his vulnerable point and expose/exploit it. Does he have a favourite gadget/toy worth, ooh, I dunno £500? If he has, you could pawn it and get your money that way - shows you mean business.

He's got money for weed and cigarettes. Well that's ok then- phew what a relief!! (insert hevay sarcasm).

You "think" he has £15K of debt? Geez how do you sleep at night thinking he has that debt and isn't bringing in enough to pay rent and feed and clothe his child plus he owes money left right and center. I pay Self employed rate of NI and its only about £12 a month so he needs to start paying that. Its hardly a lot

But your partner really needs a reality check- wasting the precious little he earns on dope when he has a small baby. I would have kicked him into touch ages ago- he is a big kid who doesn't want to face up to responsibility.

You two obviously have very different outlooks when it comes to money. You need to discuss these and try to reach a satisfactory compromise. If you do not then it does not bode well for the future of your relationship, unresolved money issues often destroy relationships.

Don't get the not paying NI thing. I'm self-employed and work on contracts and just assumed I had to. It's not a great deal of money over the year so surely a crazy thing to duck out of??

If he's not making enough to pay tax, he's pretty unlikely to be able to contribute to rent at any point tbh.

Ah just seen Lizziemum's post -that makes sense.

He's dodgy taxwise I'm afraid.

Could you clarify,

Exactly what is he doing with the 100s of days per year he is not working ?

when not doing contract work can he do another salaried job?another any paid work he can sustain self on?does he sign on when not working

has he always had an erratic career?

hmm as a bloke who screwed up early in live and learned the hard way ... ( teanage rebelion and working my way up )
He needs to get his head out of his ar... and just get on with it .. once you have a family its no longer about your wants or ambitions .. should have thought about that before having a wife and a kid

Oh dear Uniquorn. You're talking about my ex - down to a tee infact, could be the same man, probably the same career. Believe me, I know exactly where you're at.
The long and the short of it is that he will never change, he will always be "building" his relatively non-existant failed career, he will always use this as a means of avoiding the responsibility of providing for his family, you will always be broke, worried about money, borrowing of family, and....you will get sick and tired of it.
Not what you want to hear, especially with a little baby. I certainly stuck in there with the hope that it would improve, through 2 children and many years. I do wish I'd come to my senses earlier though to save all the stress and heartache.
Now, on my own at last, I'm much more financially well off and independent.

He sounds a bit immature. I would be a bit worried about being financially linked to him through sharing an address, especially if he's got debt problems.