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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

how soon is soon for her new man to stay over?

36 replies

jj2020 · 01/10/2010 10:42

Hi All,

I' like as many opinions on this as poss PLEASE!!!

My wife and I are separated, (in process of divorcing) we split up around june. I have moved out while she is in the house with the kids and there has been some rocky times for us both but as splitting up goes we've been pretty good with each other for the sake of the kids.

She has currently been seeing a guy for the last 6 weeks and ive learnt that at around the start of the 5th week he has been staying over with our children there, waking up playing them etc.

I feel our oldest son who is 5 (6 in june) has struggled with me going. when ever he goes to bed he'll get upset and when I leave the house every so often will be hysterical, crying which is heart breaking.

what I would like to know from you guys do you think 5 weeks is to soon?? and what is the time limit, is there a time limit on him staying while they are there. My ex doesnt seem to think so and belives this wont be bad for them? Im sure he's a nice guy but does out son need this yet.

The other problem with this is that he lives 3 hours away and they find it hard to meet, so she wants him to stay. I said to stay at a hotel i'll have the children at our old place. Im currently sofa surfing and cant really bring them with me.

Thanks everyone

OP posts:
kreecherlivesupstairs · 01/10/2010 10:52

I suppose it depends on whether she views him as a longterm partner. It does seem a bit soon, but as long as there isn't a revolving door of different 'uncles' coming to stay it isn't a bad thing.
will she take you up on your offer do you think?

Leveller1 · 01/10/2010 10:55

I agree with you, think it is a big big bit much for him to be staying at all, I assume she barely knows (6 weeks) the guy!

It is not right or healthy for a 5/6 year old with formative mental issues going on (ie. pre 7 years formative growth) to see a strange new man in mummy's bed in the morning.

This is coming from the perspective of the 'other man' being seen in another mummy's bed by another fragile 5 year old, not good at all, very confusing for all kids concerned, even the older ones 12 & 13.

So when it produced (inevitably) visible signs of distress, we stopped saying 'oh it will be OK' and put a stop straight to it.

Put you foot right down, tell her it's hotel or nothing! Still as much your house as hers, play this one on her... 'Well I'm not sure it's very healthy for him to see, maybe it's ok, but is it worth the risk, dear' and see if you can get her to see that next guy is far less important than future wellbeing of very important son!

Hope my opinion is quite a clear one for you.

OrmRenewed · 01/10/2010 10:57

I have no experience but from the outside it does seem a bit soon especially if your son is still missing you so much.

GypsyMoth · 01/10/2010 10:57

er,no....do not try and control her life or 'put your foot right down'....cos she can in theory,do as she likes here....and you may find her blocking access if you attempt getting forcefull!!

made me chuckle tho leveller!

Original poster
jj2020 · 01/10/2010 11:00

she did say they are very careful not for the kids to see anything, but its a tiny flat. he must have showers and things in the morning, hope that doesnt sound petty but it runs through my mind.

I also know its her second boyfriend since breaking up, the first didnt last but she has said how much she liked him. I really hope this is a long term thing for her but after 6 weeks who can be sure, if they break up now im worried he'll get even more confused!!

OP posts:
ForgottenTomato · 01/10/2010 11:01

Rather than 'putting your foot down', maybe you could simply explain your concerns and then arrange so that you will have the kids overnight when she has her new man to stay (at least until you're comfortable that he is going to be a long-term, stable part of their lives).

I think you really need to sort out proper, long-term accommodation for yourself so that you can have proper access with the kids to stay. What are you still 'sofa-surfing' if you split up in June and are in the process of divorcing?

Callisto · 01/10/2010 11:02

So you split in June and she already has a bloke sleeping in the same house as her and your children? If this was my ex-partner I would be hugely pissed off. It is really unfair to expect your 5yo to cope with a strange man in the house on top of the divorce. He must be so confused and upset and your wife sounds bloody selfish to me.

I would also be very wary about introducing a strange man to my children after only a few weeks of knowing him. Don't let her fob you off on this as it doesn't sound like she is putting your children first right now.

Original poster
jj2020 · 01/10/2010 11:04

forgotten toms.

I am trying, up until this month I still have been paying the bills I would If i was living there, so money is tight. It has now reduced as she is getting some gov help so its a case of saving for a deposit to rent!

OP posts:
ForgottenTomato · 01/10/2010 11:07

I think that, given that you have been effectively homeless while you paid the bills so that your kids can be adequately housed, it's not unreasonable to ask that your ex doesn't have her new boyfriend to stay while you get yourself into a position where you can have the kids overnight.

IUsedToBeFab · 01/10/2010 11:11

It is too soon for your children to be seeing a strange man around the flat. They are so young and clearly very upset with you going. I don't think you would be out of order to say that you want to take the children on the nights he is staying as it is too soon for them to get used to someone new. How would she feel if you had a new woman hanging around on the nights you have the children?

ForgottenTomato · 01/10/2010 11:12

Also, I don't see the problem with them getting a hotel/her going to stay with him and having you stay with the kids.

When we first met, my (now) husband lived 3 hours away from me and my ex used to come and stay at my house to look after DS1 while I went to stay with what was then my new boyfriend. My ex did have his own place but it was 6 hours away and he could only really take DS up there in the school holidays. His work is flexible so it gave him an opportunity to see more of DS, which they both enjoyed. The arrangement worked well, except that my ex never cleaned up properly so the house always looked like a bomb had hit it when I returned.

Over time, (now) DH began staying with us and then moved in.

NordicPrincess · 01/10/2010 11:50

hmm its difficult. could you not take the children for the day and her see him then. you could also look after the kids at her house while she goes to stay over night at his house? what do u think to that?

Original poster
jj2020 · 01/10/2010 11:51

nordic

that has been happening, once a week i'll normally stay over while she goes out and every other weekend ill stay there so she can have weekend off

OP posts:
yangymac · 01/10/2010 12:06

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

nocake · 01/10/2010 12:09

If you start insisting that she doesn't have her new man staying over she is likely to tell you to f**k off and mind your own business. You need to explain that you're concerned for the kids and help provide some solutions, like looking after the kids while she goes to see him.

GypsyMoth · 01/10/2010 12:11

which brings us to the question....does she work??

could she afford hotels,long journeys??

Original poster
jj2020 · 01/10/2010 12:11

nocake - i have said to her i cant do any thing and dont want to rattle the cage but just expressing my concern...

OP posts:
nocake · 01/10/2010 12:17

I hope you are able to find a good solution. You sound like a guy who really cares about his kids.

DaisyDaresYOU · 01/10/2010 12:27

Way too soon tbh.I think it's selfish,you hardly know a person in 6weeks.I wouldnt like it atall for my kid's.I do feel sorry for dad's when this happens as there's not alot they can do

ForgottenTomato · 01/10/2010 12:32

interestingly, the thread about this in lone parents is far more vitriolic than this one.

AIBU is obviously not living up to its reputation.

GypsyMoth · 01/10/2010 12:33

so will your ex be posting her side of the story??

Mishy1234 · 01/10/2010 12:37

Far too soon imo. I wouldn't feel it was fair on my kids tbh or my ex either. I'm afraid I would have to have a long a stable history with a new partner before he stayed over.

I would try to discuss it with her and express your concern about the situation.

OrmRenewed · 01/10/2010 12:38

I guess not being a lone parent I see things more simplistically. The OP has lost his home and full-time access to his kids I can see how he'd feel concerned about what is happening with them in their home. I am sure there is more than one side to this but if the OP is being straight with us it does seem unfair to attack him. I can see he can't do anything about the situation but I can sympathise with him feeling he'd like to have some influence on what happens.

Theincrediblesulk1 · 01/10/2010 12:40

Far too soon imo!

I would say a couple of years! i wouldn't let a man i had not known for a long long time stay in my home with my children!5 weeks is ridiculous though!

ForgottenTomato · 01/10/2010 12:41

I agree Orm, and I have been a lone parent.

It's a difficult situation and all the OP can really do is explain his concerns and offer a possible solution/compromise. He can't force his ex to agree.