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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to not say thank you to my H for looking after our kids while I go away for work?

51 replies

loves2walk · 01/10/2010 09:47

They are our kids and I went away for work for 1 day. When I got back late last night my H was fed up that I didn't say thank you to him for having the kids. His point was that he had to take time off work to get them from school and do the afternoon stuff.

My reason for not thanking him was I work part time hours so we all benefit from having someone running the home and so the kids can come home from school each day, but I don't expect anyone to thank me for doing those things, or incidentally for not working full time and putting us all under more pressure.

OP posts:
Serendippy · 01/10/2010 09:51

I would say thank you, but then my husband and I do thank each other for lots of things that are considered to be 'our roles', just to show we appreciate each other. I do take issue with the fact that when I go out, people say 'oh, is DH babysitting, how nice of him'! No he is not bloody babysitting, he is at home because he had no other plans and the baby happens to be in the house. Nobody ever considers it babysitting when I am at home with DD!

EricNorthmansmistress · 01/10/2010 09:51

YANBU really, but it's nice to thank each other for stuff. If he appreciates what you do and thanks you for doing it (even if it is your job) then it might be nice to thank him when he does more than the usual. But if he expects you to do the lion's share and expects a medal for doing no more than his job - sod him!

nameymcnamechange · 01/10/2010 09:51

I assume you explained why you didn't think formal thanks were in order. What did he say?

Ladymuck · 01/10/2010 09:51

YABU. Basic civility goes a long way to maintaining good relationships.

MarineIguana · 01/10/2010 09:56

I do say thank you to DP for having the DC, but then he says it to me too even though I'm the primary carer. I think if your DH (or H as you call him - doesn't sound so good!) is generally unappreciative of what you do or doesn't realise how much you do, then being expected to say thanks is going to rankle isn't it.

I'd talk to him about it in a calm way and explain to him how you feel.

cory · 01/10/2010 09:57

Well as others have said it would be nice if you both made a habit of thanking each other. But if he feels he has made a special effort because he's a man, then YANBU.

RiverOfSleep · 01/10/2010 09:58

Every so often I have a major event at work that means DH takes time off his work to do extra childcare/housework, and I do thank him for being supportive, but he wouldn't expect me to thank him or demand I was grateful.

Similarly, he thanks me for doing stuff that enables him to go to work/sleep after night shift and again I wouldn't expect that he should thank me.

We both just work really hard and know it is nice to be appreciated. But you can't demand a thank you!

CMOTdibbler · 01/10/2010 09:58

Does he say thank you to you each day for picking the kids up each day and looking after them ? If not, YANBU

Honeydragon · 01/10/2010 10:01

YAB A bit U not to say thankyou for him using holiday (I assume it was an important work thing) to cover you.

However he is also BU to expect thanks for looking after his children.

Original poster
loves2walk · 01/10/2010 10:02

Thanks all.

I did explain to him why I wasn't going to say thank you and we argued about it then agreed to disagree in our views.

He isn't huffy about it, has probably forgotten, but I am. Huffy I mean! I suppose I would normally thank him for enabling me to work, I was just tired after a long day (been in heels for 16 hours which I'm not used to anymore!) and came home at midnight to find he hadn't got the uniforms or lunches ready for today and he'd left all wet swimming gear still in bags in a heap and generally place a mess.

Just me being tired probably - usually I would be kinder than this!

OP posts:
Original poster
loves2walk · 01/10/2010 10:05

No he doesn't say thank you each day for looking after the kids and I wouldn't expect him to. Which is why I don't feel that he should be thanked for doing his bit every now and then.

If I had been away on a jolly, or sunbathing on some fence somewhere :) then I would most definately say a big thank you. But I was working and earning money for us!

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wastingaway · 01/10/2010 10:06

YADNBU to not thank him if he hadn't even done what needed doing!

flowerybeanbag · 01/10/2010 10:08

I thank my DH if he rearranges things at work to come home early or go in late or take a day off if I need to go to a meeting outside the hours I normally have childcare. I don't expect thanks from him for looking after the children when he's at work because that's the normal arrangement. When he does it it involves some hassle from him as it's a departure from the normal arrangement. So it's not thanking for looking after them as much as it is acknowledging the hassle factor for him.

On the other hand if he does it he wouldn't leave swimming gear in a mess etc.

Original poster
loves2walk · 01/10/2010 10:10

Yes but his view is that those things don't need doing! He thinks I'm a bit neurotic for getting everything ready the night before.

He is actually around in the morning so he occasionally sees the chaos which ensues when these things aren't done, but he still feels it's unnecessary to be so organised.

OP posts:
wastingaway · 01/10/2010 10:10

Did he do them this morning?

Original poster
loves2walk · 01/10/2010 10:23

No! I always do the morning so he can focus on his getting ready. But actually there was no chaos this morning despite me being knackered all went smoothly. Just adds weight to his arguement that this night-before organising is unnecessary!

OP posts:
rubyrubyruby · 01/10/2010 10:26

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

wastingaway · 01/10/2010 10:26

If he thinks it's unnecessary, he should do mornings.
Criticizing how you organise your own workload is very controlling.

Chil1234 · 01/10/2010 10:28

You're both being unreasonable really. There's nothing worse than a relationship where everyone feels taken for granted, unappreciated and no-one ever takes time out to express thanks. I think you'd both be happier if you did less huffing about what people didn't say or didn't do and gave each other more appreciation.

Original poster
loves2walk · 01/10/2010 10:40

wasting away - I don't see how it's controlling that he has a different opinion of how it should be done so does it differently when he's the one doing it.

It is petty though and as I said he has probably forgotten it and is not huffy today at all. Me being petty.

It is just that I will have one of these a month coming up and want to get my head around this now so I don't feel cross each time I get pulled up for not thanking him.

I like your comment flowery that I could thank him for the hassle and him not being able to work but not have to thank him for looking after the kids.

It is petty though - I should chill and be more positive!

OP posts:
wastingaway · 01/10/2010 10:44

But loves2walk, if it's your job to do mornings, you decide to get things ready the night before. Not his job to criticise.
He didn't get it ready and you therefore had to.

charmander · 01/10/2010 10:45

Well you could try getting a bit passive aggressive and start thanking him for every little thing he does - that should get him up to your level of huffiness. Grin

Original poster
loves2walk · 01/10/2010 10:50

Yes I can see that wastingaway. And if I had asked him to do those things in advance he would have said I was being bossy/controlling and should just relax.

thanks charmander! but I could do with loosing my huffiness before tonight not adding more into the mix!

OP posts:
Deliaskis · 01/10/2010 10:50

I agree that you are both BU, him for expecting thanks, you for not offering them anyway.

I thank my DH for anything he does which makes my life in some way easier/better/nicer, whether or not it is his 'job'.

I do most of the cooking as I get in a bit before him, so if one night he does it (has happened a few times since I've been pg as my appetite has been waxing and waning) then I will thank him, but then when I hand him his tea most other nights, he'll thank me too. It's never expected, but is always offered.

For us, it's just part of appreciating each other and just being civilised to be honest.

D

Alibabaandthe40nappies · 01/10/2010 11:09

DH and I always thank each other for doing things, even if it is one of our 'usual' jobs.

It is just polite.

To be frank, it sounds as though you have a bit of a power struggle going on in your relationship, which isn't very healthy.