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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to not say thank you to my H for looking after our kids while I go away for work?

51 replies

loves2walk · 01/10/2010 09:47

They are our kids and I went away for work for 1 day. When I got back late last night my H was fed up that I didn't say thank you to him for having the kids. His point was that he had to take time off work to get them from school and do the afternoon stuff.

My reason for not thanking him was I work part time hours so we all benefit from having someone running the home and so the kids can come home from school each day, but I don't expect anyone to thank me for doing those things, or incidentally for not working full time and putting us all under more pressure.

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Original poster

loves2walk · 01/10/2010 11:11

Maybe a power struggle, or resentment about things. I agree it isn't healthy to be thinking like this.

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wonka · 01/10/2010 11:16

YABU
Thanking each other shows appreciation for their share of the load.
DH always says thanks for things I do. Same I would thank a work colleague for work that they do to help us all get a job done. Its good manners

Deliaskis · 01/10/2010 11:22

Just giggling at this actually as DDH and me had a bit of a thank you battle this morning as he got up first and put some bacon under for bacon butties, I buttered the bread and finished the bacon butties, and then we both kept thanking each other for yummy breakfast, as both of us really felt the credit lay with the other!

I've also had a week of saying sorry to DH, as he has had to do the lion's share of the painting and decorating on our apartment, as I'm pg. Obviously I don't need to actually be 'sorry' for pregnancy related tiredness and lack of availability for manual work, but I nevertheless was sorry as DH had to really do the bulk of it himself and I was sorry I wasn't able to support him in that as much as I wanted to.

Again, just appreciating each other.

Perhaps you're right about there being some resentment in your relationship...

ronah · 01/10/2010 11:26

It's two words... 'thank you' what's the big deal? Surely your relationship is worth more than you trying to maintain your moral highground? At least he is at home and faithful... get over it and show some appreciation.

mixedupmartha · 01/10/2010 11:30

I think the woman is always seen as the default option. It's a big deal when the bloke looks after his children (mine says it's fine but acts a bit sulky and put out).

Would be interesting if you worked full time to see who was expected to mop it all up...

scallopsrgreat · 01/10/2010 11:31

ronah - is that all we should expect of our husbands - to be home and faithful?? YANBU OP.

Blu · 01/10/2010 11:35

DP and I both work f/t and are always having to ask each other for flexibility in the usual pattern, or a previusly agreed scedule - and we always sak if it's possible and say 'thank you' if a change is made. We don't routinely say 'thanks' if we are each getting on with our normal share of the parenting and domestic reposnsibilities.

You don't have to thank him for caring for the children, it would have been nice to appreciate that he supported your out-of-the-ordinary work hours by being flexible.

Original poster

loves2walk · 01/10/2010 11:37

Thanks scallops.

My reaction to your post ronah is to think well it is not just 2 words, it is what underlies the words that counts.

Surely when you both work hard (in home/at work) for the benefit of your family, the basics go on without needing thanks. OK nice if thanks are offered freely - but for my H to ask me, when I was obviously tired and just back from 16hrs out the house, to thank him for looking after our kids seems to be taking the piss.

It pissed me off anyway and still is obviously!

He goes away for work every other week and never comes home and says thank you for putting kids to bed/feeding them whatever. I don't expect him I tend to want to find out how he is/how his day went/how his flight was etc.

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Squitten · 01/10/2010 11:38

I have to say that I don't thank DH for working and he doesn't thank me for looking after the kids. I do, however, thank him when he makes us dinner and he will thank me if he comes home and sees that I have scrubbed down the kitchen or the lounge is miraculously tidy (both of which are rare!) Little things like that help us both to feel appreciated so that we don't get resentful over stuff like this.

belgo · 01/10/2010 11:39

Sorry but YABU. I've had to move two days of work recently because my dh is working away, and I am glad he appreciates that.

Chil1234 · 01/10/2010 11:43

He says, she says.... isn't it all a bit childish? You don't have to be all over gushing thanks for every little activity but expressing appreciation for what each other contributes is a big part of a successful, loving relationship. You're resentful that he doesn't thank you... he's feeling the same... so maybe you're wrong about thanks not being necessary?

mumeeee · 01/10/2010 11:44

YABU. I would say thankyou. He used a holiday up. DH and I thank each other for everyday things.

diddl · 01/10/2010 11:46

Actually I think that YANBU.

When you asked your husband & he said he could/would take the day off surely you thanked him then.

So why is it necessary again.

It would be nice if we all were more appreciative & thoughtful.

But seriously, OP, does your husband come home every day & say "thank you for working part time today so that you could pick up the children"?

FoghornLeghorn · 01/10/2010 11:46

Hmmmmmm.

I would appreciate my DH looking after our DC's so I could go somewhere, regardless of if it was work or pleasure so I'm sure i would thank him anyway

Original poster

loves2walk · 01/10/2010 11:46

Yes maybe chil, I'm sure it would be better if we were both more appreciative all round, not less.

I might say that to him tonight, just don't want to argue about it as it is so petty.

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Original poster

loves2walk · 01/10/2010 11:49

No diddl, he has never said that! But then I have never thanked him for working full-time, which allows me to work part-time and -managethehouse chat on MN for hours!

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StewieGriffinsMom · 01/10/2010 11:50

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

diddl · 01/10/2010 11:57

Well, unless it´s very hard for him to get time off, then I can´t see that what he did is a big deal tbh, and I think that him expecting thanks so much that he mentions it makes him seem a bit petulant really.

mollycuddles · 01/10/2010 12:00

One of the things that improved our relationship after a rough patch when ds was born was saying thanks for every day stuff. It's nice to be appreciated but if thanking for every day stuff it has to be both of you or it's not reasonable. Maybe you and dh should start every day thanking. It's a positive thing to do and stops anyone feeling taken for granted. Dh regularly thanks me for bf dd2 and it makes me feel nice that he appreciates how hard I'm working.

Original poster

loves2walk · 01/10/2010 12:09

that's sweet molly you're right it needs to be both and given freely.

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ronah · 01/10/2010 14:49

scallpsrgreat: yes being home and faithful and the occasional thank you are no big deal especially if you have just discovered the one love of your life has been having an affair for 3 years! Yes I am bitter and angry and to all those who are complaining over a simple lack of thank you be grateful that is all there is to complain about.

Alibabaandthe40nappies · 01/10/2010 15:06

ronah I'm very sorry you are in that situation.

I do think though, that thank you, and please, and other outward signs of mutual respect and appreciation are incredibly important in maintaining the health of a relationship. Otherwise it can be a short trip from not saying thank you to the relationship breaking down.

ronah · 01/10/2010 15:08

Alibababand...... thanks... at least your nickname made me laugh. sorry ladies for being so negative but hope you see the point.

prozacfairy · 01/10/2010 15:25

YANBU. But then again I have never been thanked for staying in while DD's dad goes out on the lash. I have never been thanked for looking after DD for days at a time on my own since we split up. Not that I need thanks obivously. I wouldn't even think of thanking her dad for looking after her.

Original poster

loves2walk · 01/10/2010 15:34

Sorry ronah that sounds awful. You could reach out to people on relationships by starting a thread over there about your situation - there are some very lovely supportive women that post there.

I do get your point - not worth stressing about the small stuff. But like alibaba says it's sometimes the small stuff that leads onto the bigger destruction.

I hope not - I have a plan to rescue this situation by not saying anything at all about it to my H. I just need to move on from it and be more grateful myself for things he does, more positive in general and see if that kick starts a spirit of gratitude and kindness. He is away this saturday on a sporting event so the tables will turn!

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