to think DP should be around more?

[wholovesyou]

7 months pregnant. DP still goes out with friends etc, I do where I can but am tired all the time, SPD, etc and just want to be home making the place nice for when the baby comes. I dont begrudge him his time with his friends at all, however its becoming a bit much...

this weekend he went camping (he LARPs) and went straight from work on friday. So I didnt see him until 9pm on sunday as he went straight back to his mums to put the camping stuff away.

Monday night he slept from the moment he got in until the next morning.

Last night he stayed at his mums for dinner, and then came back to me around 9pm. We went to bed at 11...

And now hes said that hes going to see a friend tonight, and tomorrow hes at his martial arts class. Friday we are going to a party where I wont see him for dust, and he works Sundays.

Its not like this every week, I admit. But the time spent with me is increasingly sparse.

AIBU to think that with only 2 months left before our lives change forever, we should possibly spend as much time as we can doing things we'll have to give up next year. We used to go to the cinema 3 times a week, and now I havent been since last month! (he went last thursday with friends...)

It's not unreasonable but you have to vocalise it rather than sit there suffering in silence. People react in different ways to impending parenthood. You've gone for the nest-making option. He may be feeling that he's on one 'last fling' of freedom before he's tied down to a baby. Talk about it.

YANBU. Is he going to be around more when the baby comes or will he still be going to his mum's house?
What is LARPS by the way?

Live action role play. He goes and pretends to be a pirate.

And we have discussed it. Lots. He says Im moany when actually, I havent erupted at all about it until his morning.

You need to have a talk about it properly, and discuss what will happen when the baby is born.

I know LARPing is a big part of peoples lives when they do it (my brother is a larper, now married to someone who doesn't like it), but it's not compatible with a baby

(live roleplaying btw Kreecher - running round with fake swords playing parts)

"with only 2 months left before our lives change forever, we should possibly spend as much time as we can doing things we'll have to give up next year"

Sounds like that is what he is doing! Do you think he is grabbing the chance to do this while he still can? Which could be a good thing if it means he had recognised that his life is going to change BIG TIME!

I wont stop him LARPing once the baby comes. Its a hobby as well as a weekend away (6 weekends away a year, at least) I certainly wont stop him seeing his friends either, that would be awful.

The things I refer to are the things WE used to do. He's cut them out in favour of dinner at his mums house or going round his mates.

Without knowing the situation, it seems odd that he´s having meals on his own at his mums?

wholovesyou - what do you think is going on?

Are you worried that he's running away from you and the baby?

It is crap that he is neglecting your common interests in favour of sodding off all the time, unless maybe he thinks that you'd rather have time to yourself, or that you can't go out?

He's a teacher, I work in the city - so hes home by 5, I dont get in until 7.

He goes back to his mums as its close to his school and his brother and sister still live there, and she ends up feeding him/keeping him til 9 at night!

I think there could be 2 things :

1. He honestly hasnt realised how much time hes spent away from me
2. Hes scared shitless about the baby coming and wants to revert to his 20's self.

I saved a favourite to the cot I wanted on the computer and asked him to check it. He hasnt yet, but he has bought 2 things on Ebay instead... Fantasy role play game related...

Sounds like you're being reasonable (and everything you've written suggests you have the wherewithal and diplomacy to sort this out), but as someone pointed out earlier, you just need to have a chat to him.

Basic principles (don't mean to sound patronising):

1. Don't judge/accuse him - most people just get defensive in that situation and then the conversation goes nowhere.
2. Just explain to him how his actions are making you feel and put it in the context of the little'un arriving. Let him respond.
3. Make sure that he knows that you're not trying to take his life away, just hoping that he might choose to modify it a little bearing in mind what's coming up.

Just a thought: my other half used to work much later than I did during pregnancy (should confess that I'm the husband here!), meaning I'd come home to an empty house every day and have a few hours on my own. Didn't like it, wanted to see her, ended up at the pub most evenings (after I'd made sure dinner was in the oven). Very grown up response! We agreed that she would make sure she was back by half five at least twice a week so that we could have full evenings together (i.e. ones that included time when we weren't just knackered from the day). Any chance of doing something like this?

BTW, sorry, but the bluntness of your comment, "Live action role play. He goes and pretends to be a pirate," made me laugh my ass off. Didn't realise this was a popular thing. Anyway, my wife shows neverending patience in the face of my sport obsession (every sport, literally) and this has proved the best way to rein me in when I was being unreasonable about how I use my time.

Deepheat - confused about your last comment, how does her patience reign you in?

OP - how old is your DP btw? Anyway I can see why he goes round to his mum's place, but it's not on for him to spend all his time there when you're at home tired, hungry and probably in need of some looking after. Who is feeding you while she is feeding him?

Could you maybe meet him at his mum's place once a week and make that a regular dinner thing? And then ask him to stay home the other nights of the week? It sounds like he is running to his mum because she makes him feel like the special one, whereas in your house it's you and the baby who are (rightly) the centre of attention.

Do you get on with his mum? You could have a word with her and directly or indirectly point out that at 7 months pregnant you are lonely and find it hard coping with DP in the evenings. She could send him home (not ideal but possibly would help).

He doesn´t eat at his mum´s every night, does he?

The eating dinner at his Mums is ringing alarm bells for me.

He's not the child anymore, he's about to have a child. How's he going to cope with the responsibility for someone else when he's not even making his own dinner??

When do you go off on maternity leave? Will he come home for dinner then?

Did he move straight from his Mums to yours?

It sounds like you are going to have 2 babies to look after not one.

Well it would be for me if it´s happening every night.

I mean he would only be at home for a couple of hours-just time to have a relax & prepare a meal for OP.

It doesnt ring bells for me, simply that he likes seeing his family, and his mum probably enjoys cooking for him. Chatting with him and asking to spend more time with him instead of a couple of the other things he does seems a good step to take.

Elephants - apologies, as this is going to sound ridiculously mushy, but if my wife nags me about watching too much sport at the pub, playing too much sport etc. I get annoyed and I don't change. As she is just pretty graceful about it it makes me recognise that, a) I'm a selfish bugger at times (don't think I'm unique in that), b) she has every right to complain and is choosing not to and c) that actually I love her and rather like spending time with her.

Basically I think I'm like most people in that I'm more likely to change my behaviour if I come to that conclusion myself rather than if someone else tells me to. Think most of us can be a bit stubborn about things like this.

Talking to him this morning, it does seem like Im going to have 2 babies to look after.

I said 'going out again tonight?! I havent seen you for more than 2 hours since last friday'

And his response : Yes you did, I was here all monday.

Yes. He was. ASLEEP.

Im going to chat to him properly tonight (if he does indeed cancel his friend and come home.)

I guess that will the judge!

Have you told him that you feel lonely, and that you miss him, and need him to help you and look after you a bit? Or just said "i don't want you going out".

If you've explained why you want him around and he accuses you of nagging then he sound a bit of a nob TBH.

Why does he say he hasn't been to the cinema with you for a while? Why don't you organise it and just tell him

I bet there are things that need doing around the house that he could be getting on with in the fearful 2 hour gap, aren't there.

Does he go to his mum's every night?

"Basically I think I'm like most people in that I'm more likely to change my behaviour if I come to that conclusion myself rather than if someone else tells me to. Think most of us can be a bit stubborn about things like this"

But sometimes if you don´t tell someone, they don´t realise.

For example if he goes to his mums at 5, he could have nearly a couple of hours there & then be home for OP.

Id never say "I dont want you going out" although friends have advised me to do this. I just think its a bit totalitarian and unreasonable.

I did say I felt lonely and once Id said that he stopped saying anything at all and just gave me a cuddle. So I think he probably does understand to some extent.

Theres no reason not to go to the cinema with me? He just goes straight from work sometimes with other friends. And I dont think hes thought about how that makes me feel.

Re : things around the house. Theres alot that needs doing that I just do it myself because hes never in!

I think there's a middle way between nagging and saying nothing, which is saying it in a positive way. So instead of "I haven't seen you all week" works better to say "It would be really nice to spend some time together next week". Difficult when you're feeling upset, I know.

Oh and as for the stuff that needs doing round the house: Give him a list and tell him it's his responsibility to get it done. Up to him when he does it but it needs doing before the baby gets here. Don't do it yourself!! He probably doesn't even realise most of it needs doing.

Well if he's changed his behaviour, I think you need to sit down together and talk about how you both want the next couple of months to be, and how you're both feeling about the baby arriving.

Maybe it just hasn't occurred to him that this is your last two months of freedom too? You could talk about the things you would like to do before the baby, and make new plans together. You both need to have some fun, and crucially some time TOGETHER before everything changes.

V rude to go out straight from work IMO without asking you along, or telling you. (Does he tell you?)

I think you are going to have to explain to him firmly and clearly that you are not going to turn into 'Er Indoors With Baby while his life continues unchanged.
WHile parenthood doesn;t mean that you can never go out or have any fun again (despite the way some very miserable and boring people seem to think) you do have to accept going out to play less when you have small DC.
Mind you, as they get bigger, LARPING is something that some kids really love, so remind him he's got that to look forward to...

Will he enable you to have 6 weekends away a year after the baby is born?

Or is he expecting to carry on as he is now and leave all the work up to you?

He might just be havign a bit of a freak out but he needs to get his head around it asap!

I was feeling quite even-tempered earlier but SGB's post is spot on.

Honestly I don't get how these blokes go around like big toddlers wreaking chaos and getting away with it with a cheery grin, while their mums cook their tea for them.

He's old enough to get you pregnant so he's old enough to look after you through your pregnancy. And by that I don't just mean making you a nice cup of tea after work - though I'm sure you could do with one - I mean taking you out and having fun with you, planning things for your family (like looking at cots etc), and giving you confidence in what he'll be like as a father.

Who thinks it's ok to leave his heavily pregnant partner at home on her own night after night after night without lifting a finger to help her?

I bet if he had a cold or a poorly finger he'd be most indignant if you went out for the evening without even checking he was ok.