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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Not an AIBU, more of a 'what do you think'

105 replies

chaosisawayoflife · 29/09/2010 13:16

Wasn't sure where the best place to put this was, so stuck it in here as I have a feeling it may create a bit of a debate. I was reading on another forum(NM) about a woman who had created an anonymous post to seek advice about her violent relationship. She is pregnant. The forum administrators contacted her midwife about her situation, without informing her, and she is now being seen by SS.

What is your opinion on this? Should they have contacted her midwife? Should they have told her that they were going to do so? Do forum owners have a duty of care to their users or should they simply offer advice as to the avenues of rl support?

OP posts:
deepheat · 29/09/2010 15:21

Most email addresses can be linked directly to a postal address/phone number for those who have access to the information.

OldLadyKnowsNothing · 29/09/2010 15:25

deepheat, I can see how the police might be able to link my personal email account to me, because I use it for paypal, which is linked to my bank account. They could link my work email via my website. But admin on a message board don't have those powers.

DuelingFanjo · 29/09/2010 15:27

I think it would very much depend on the posts she made, the tone of them, the urgency.

Not sure how they would have known who her midwife is though.

Original poster
chaosisawayoflife · 29/09/2010 15:30

You have to put your postcode in when you register to the site, that, along with her full name, would have been enough for the local midwives to track her down.

OP posts:
DuelingFanjo · 29/09/2010 15:32

I've found the thread and from the reply the NM bods gave it seems that they were very concened about her safety, that surely came from posts she (the victim) made?

OldLadyKnowsNothing · 29/09/2010 15:37

That explains it; thanks, chaosisawayoflife.

deepheat · 29/09/2010 15:41

OldLadyKnows...

I haven't actually read the thread in question, but I would have thought that the admin would have simply referred the matter to the safeguarding team in their local Police force and they could have got the info.

They certainly shouldn't have contacted midwives directly though - that definately would be out of line. Its for the Police/SS to decide whether a concern raised should be pursued or not.

sapphireblue · 29/09/2010 16:05

wow.....I'm not sure what I think about this one (first time for everything!). I would worry that this coming out might stop any other vulnerable women from asking for help/advice. What would happen if I posted a thread saying that I had lost my temper with one of my DC? Or that I let them eat 15 bars of chocolate a day? Would the admin contact SS then too?

To be honest it would make me very vary wary of posting anything too personal on their site.

frenchfancy · 29/09/2010 16:13

I think that society has a duty of care to other members of society. I find the "don't tell" and "don't get involved" attitude strange and sad.

DooinMeSizers · 29/09/2010 16:17

I'm not sure on this one. I have experience of pyhsically abusive relationships, unfortunately. The person I know was never 'seriously hurt' by her abuser either. He fractured her cheekbone, raped her and once tried to smash a chair over her head, but he never seriously hurt her Hmm

I'd like to think that I'd do anything in power to help some-one in that situation, but like some one else pointed out, it might put others needing help off posting.

I think Admin should have directly contacted the poster and pointed her in the direction of the right help. Or at the very least made her aware of what they intended to do.

taintedpaint · 29/09/2010 16:29

While I'm not sure of the ins and outs of this, or even where I stand morally on it, I sure as hell would get away from that site if I was registered. What I love about MN is that I can talk freely and anonymously, I wouldn't feel like I could do that if I knew I was subject to being reported for something at someone else's whim. JMO.

foreverastudent · 29/09/2010 18:27

I agree Dooinmesizers.

To go sneaking off behind her back was completly unjustified.

What they did could have put her life in danger. I dont know if SS have contacted her by phone or post but what if her DP had intercepted and then punished her for 'telling'?

It's at the point of trying to leave that most victims of DV are murdered.

foreverastudent · 29/09/2010 19:00

I've found and read the original thread.

It sounds as though she was in a horrid situation and definatley needed to get out. It seems that she had a plan to go to her family, bus ticket paid and everything but then didnt post online for a few days which is when I presume the site contacted m/w.

From other info she has put up tracking down her midwife wouldn't have been very hard- there were some easily identifiable details.

Even although she has now seperated from violent ex her m/w wouldn't say whether she is going to get to keep her baby or not. She sounds terrified.

I can see how they might have thought they were doing the right thing but they have caused more problems for her and the baby.

Original poster
chaosisawayoflife · 29/09/2010 19:16

Forever is there any chance you could tell me the title of the original thread?

OP posts:
DuelingFanjo · 29/09/2010 19:32

Chaos I have found one too, if you search black eye and bus ticket and NMs then you will find it on a google search :(

Mumcentreplus · 29/09/2010 19:32

WOW...its very scary imo..involving the S/S is no joke ..

Original poster
chaosisawayoflife · 29/09/2010 20:27

Jesus, just found the thread. I'm even more unsure about the whole thing now! It seems she is/was in a seriously violent relationship, but was in the process of leaving him. However, she is now back with him, so I guess it's good that social services know about the situation, but I'm just scared for her that it will make it worse. She hasn't actually met with SS yet, maybe when she does they will make her realise that it's him or the kids, in which case she may make the right decision. I don't know, the whole thing makes me really uncomfortable, but she does seem like someone who would benefit from outside help.

OP posts:
StewieGriffinsMom · 29/09/2010 20:36

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

loubielou31 · 29/09/2010 20:46

Good debate, I think that this was probably a better safe than sorry situation, (that's my first instinct). If it is something of a misunderstanding then I'm sure it would be sorted out very quickly and if this lady is being abused then she will quickly recieve the help she needs before the situation becomes worse.

foreverastudent · 29/09/2010 20:47

I took it from her posts that she was no longer with him?

People should help when someone is the victim of DV, I just dont think contacting SS behind someone's back is 'helping'.

If someone was definately suicidal or reporting actual serious child abuse or was threatening to kill someone then I think there is ground for breaking confidentiality.

But they have to be very clear about their policy. I used to work for an organisation where confidentiality was a v important part of our work. I heard some terrible stories but we were only allowed to break confidentiality if a child was at imminent and severe risk and even then we had to make this clear to the client before they spoke to us.

DuelingFanjo · 29/09/2010 21:25

Her recent posts suggest that he is still in her home. Not a safe situation by ay means considering the damage he has inflicted previously. Personally I now thing they did the right thing contacting her midwife. She is pregnant and has children and seems to be in a very dangerous situation.

StealthPolarBear · 29/09/2010 21:36

I'm not sure about this. IN the case SGM mentions I think I was one of the ones saying - yes - contact SS, but I do feel uneasy. I don;t think there's a straightforward rule.

Mumcentreplus · 29/09/2010 21:36

I just dont know...was she asking for help or venting and had a plan of her own...its scary for a mother to potencially lose her un-born child and children she already has...tis scary

StealthPolarBear · 29/09/2010 21:38

Wow that's a hrrible thread to read. The advice and support she is getting is fantastic though. Good for netmums

ConnorTraceptive · 29/09/2010 21:43

I think it was the right thing to do

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