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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

For expecting my DD to enjoy school?

40 replies

Parsgirl · 29/09/2010 11:24

She is in Year 8 and hates it. Last year she was bullied, he was removed from school(for other behaviour too) and I had hoped she would start to like it. She has a lovely group of friends, her sister has just gone into Year 7 and is in the top set for everything so she is not struggling academically or socially. She only likes two teachers and thinks the rest are unfair, boring or just crap at their job. I don't want her experience to be like mine at school. How do I help her?

OP posts:
Chil1234 · 29/09/2010 11:44

You can't make anyone 'like' anything or anybody. Especially superior children of a certain age for whom the default setting is that everything & everyone is 'unfair, boring or crap at their job'. All you can do is set out your expectations that she works hard, is polite to the teachers, turns up on time, actively participates... and if she chooses to think it's all a bit of a drag, fine, but don't tolerate whining.

Myleetlepony · 29/09/2010 11:49

I hated school from day 1 to the day I left. Like many other children I dealt with it as school was an inevitable part of life. Maybe it's character building, anyway, I thin your daughter will be fine.
Try not to buy into her moans too much though.

lemonmuffin · 29/09/2010 11:52

Poor girl. Perhaps the bullying has affected her more than you realise, maybe she's still getting over that.

Hullygully · 29/09/2010 11:53

Let's be honest, school is mostly a load of old crap (NOT the teachers' fault so let's not go there), but as a society we don't seem able/want to come up with a workable alternative.

cory · 29/09/2010 12:14

It may be that her confidence has been knocked by the bullying and that she may be in need of support or counselling. And there's always hormones to be taken into account. Or it may be that she is one of those children who just have a negative attitude.

My ds (10) has one of those: everything is boring and rubbish, new teachers, family outings, most food. "Boring" is simply his default position. I really don't think it is anything we have done: I don't think we are more boring than other families, we are quite firm with him and his class teacher really seems rather nice.

Took him to the secondary school open evening and it was totally embarrassing: lovely school, lots of excited boys running around trying activities and admiring the facilities, and then little GloomyFace just standing there refusing to try anything.

As it so happens, I know it is a lovely school, because I already have a child there and I listen to her friends. But I am perfectly sure that once ds starts attending we will hear all about how boring it is.

In our case, I think earplugs are the way forward. Hope his teacher doesn't need them.

cupcakesandbunting · 29/09/2010 12:17

YABU. She's told what to do, force-fed information, made to sit in a room of people of whom she probably only likes 90% of and she has to go. No option. Of course she will hate it :)

Things looked up for me in Year 9 when teachers started treating us more like young adults and solid friendships were cemented. Now I would do anything to be back at school...

SleepingLion · 29/09/2010 12:20

Yes, at the risk of sounding about ninety years old, she will get out of school what she puts in - if her default attitude is a negative one, then she won't enjoy it very much because she will not be in the frame of mind to join in, get excited about her subjects, try her best, etc.

You can help her by not indulging her complaints about unfairness or boredom but asking her to talk about the positive things that she has done to try to make school a more enjoyable experience - what extra-curricular activities has she decided to take part in? - what contributions did she make to lessons? and so on. Make her realise that learning is something she is partly responsible for, not something that happens to her.

Hullygully · 29/09/2010 12:23

Did people really enjoy school? All the lessons? The dreadful hockey in the mud and rain? The listening to teachers go on and on and on. Listening to people read a book in class painfully slowly so that you wanted to gouge your own eyes out? The appalling food? The cliques and groups? The sheer unrelenting horrifying boredom of 90% of it?

Chil1234 · 29/09/2010 12:29

Yes, I enjoyed school :) OK maybe not double Latin on a Wednesday afternoon in an overheated classroom but, because of where I lived, school rather than home was where I could be with my friends. Plus there was always something going on - even if it was hockey in the mud. Have been terminally bored ever since.

Serendippy · 29/09/2010 12:30

I enjoyed school. Not all of it, but I remember being at school and thinking, 'great, I get to come and meet my friends and sometimes find out interesting stuff'. Not to say I wasn't dying of boredom in some lessons and HATED sports, but did enjoy it.

I don't enjoy work either...

Hullygully · 29/09/2010 12:32

Wow.

cupcakesandbunting · 29/09/2010 12:33

I loved school. I cried on my last day. I loved my teachers and spending all day with my friends and the general camaraderie that came with it. It was great.

Trubert · 29/09/2010 12:34

I have always hoped that if any of my kids hate school as much as I did as a child, I would consider home education.

diddl · 29/09/2010 12:35

I enjoyed school also.

Triple french friday afternoon a bit shitty though!

Loved hockey-mud, rain, whatever!

Serendippy · 29/09/2010 12:35

cupcakes, you win the best pupil award Grin

Have to agree with Chill that school was a place to meet friends without having to arrange anything/wait in the rain for hours for people to turn up(before mobiles)/part with precious money.

Most people I know would rather go to school than work!

cupcakesandbunting · 29/09/2010 12:37

I wasn't the best pupil, I was naughty. Never naughty enough to get suspended or anything, just naughty enough to wind up in my H.O.Y's office once a week Blush

For some reason though, the teachers loved me. I can't imagine why.

PenelopeTitsDropped · 29/09/2010 12:39

I hated school. I loved the hockey in the mud.

"She only likes two teachers and thinks the rest are unfair, boring or just crap at their job."

Sadly she's probably right. Explain to her it's a system; a process. Empathise that it is unfair, regulatory, de-humanising; but it's a right of passage.

Set her a challenge to think outside of the box
eg.
French language that applies to her general angst/sense of injustice/humour...
"You order in your pigeon French in Paris and then the waiter answers you in English". Explain that you are trying to speak his language and he's being rude"... in French.

"I don't want her experience to be like mine at school. How do I help her?"

You can't. It's all shit apart from the muddy hockey.

CatIsSleepy · 29/09/2010 12:42

hully, am with you on this

i didn't like school much, I mean I worked hard and did OK but I didn't enjoy that much of it really. As you say, lots of boredom, cliques, shite food, horrible PE. Couldn't wait to leave-felt like my life began properly when I left school and went to university and could really choose what I wanted to spend my time doing.

Original poster
Parsgirl · 29/09/2010 13:58

Thanks, she still hates it today but you have given me some great ideas and tips to help. What doesn't help is that we have just found out she has had glandular fever recently. I didn't know at the time but was starting to panic at the amount of sore throats and headaches she was getting. Apparently, she had it maybe two months ago and this is what she has been left with. It has also affected her asthma which she finds very embarassing. She is such a good girl but sometimes just seems exhausted and angry with school and yet I know she experiences good parts as well as bad. School was shit for me I had hoped it would be better for my kids.

OP posts:
SleepingLion · 29/09/2010 18:51

Yes, Penelope, I am boring, unfair AND crap at my job. Score three out of three for me! Hmm

SleepingLion · 29/09/2010 18:52

My ultimate goal is of course to dehumanise my students Hmm Hmm

Original poster
Parsgirl · 30/09/2010 04:01

Sleeping Lion - She does come home and tell me about exciting things that have happened, I think thats why its so frustrating. She was getting ready last week and was excitedly telling me about something that had happened when I stopped her and said 'No, you hate school that can't have happened' then she laughed. When she is upbeat I will have a talk about getting most out of it. I know her school isn't crap. Yes, there are some teachers who could do with a job change as they are obviously bored and have been doing the same thing for too long but on the whole the issue is really with her. Thx for your reply

OP posts:
badgermonkey · 30/09/2010 06:54

I'm a secondary teacher but will happily admit that school is pretty crap for kids (which amazes children when I sympathise with them!). It's no excuse for misbehaving (although obviously your daughter isn't doing this) though, but it's kind of an awful environment on the whole! I can try and make it not awful in my lessons, but there are times when I know my lesson is fairly boring and I am sure some kids aren't enjoying it. That's life, I'm afraid. But when I look at children trudging up and down stairs in big crowds by order of The Bell, I think it's a bloody miracle so many of them behave so well as they do.

Original poster
Parsgirl · 30/09/2010 07:22

BM, its such a shame. So why do we look back and wish we could go and do it all again? Well I'd like to go back with the self confidence I have now and the willingness to learn, do you think I would just get pissed off again?

OP posts:
Chandon · 30/09/2010 07:47

School is there for a good education. And for learning to just get on with boring things in life.

I did not enjoy school, but enjoyed time after school with friends, and weekends and hols.

I enjoyed maybe 20% of classes, which was lucky.

If you or your child really likes school, great, but it`s not the norm. As long as she is not violently unhappy, I would not change.

HTH