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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

or is the school?

26 replies

Poogles · 29/09/2010 08:34

I spent last night trying to work out whether I was right to feel annoyed at the school for being abit OTT or whether I was being over sensitive. Your views on whether I am BU are greatly appreciated.

DS started reception a few weeks ago having transitioned from full-time nursery (attended since age 1). As I am one of those working mothers (to be pitied and looked down upon in our village!) DS attends breakfast & after school club.

DS has to spend lunch time today with an adult as the teacher had a complaint from the dinner ladies that DS doesn't listen to them and rolls his eyes when they are telling him off (he is 4 going on 14!).

You may ask, as did I, what DS had done to warrant this punishment? The crime? Playing with the older boys!! Apparently the older boys can be a bit boisterous in their play and the school don't want DS to join in. We are talking about infants (the juniors have a separate play area)and the children he plays with at the breakfast & after school clubs.

The bit about DS not listening and rolling his eyes I am dealing with - he does it to me as well and I know how irritating it is (as does he!). I'm just not sure I can see why he can't play with the older boys. I don't believe in wrapping him in cotton wool. If he gets hurt playing with them, he won't do it again!

I could understand the school being concerned if he had started being as boisterous with the other reception chidren but this isn't the case according to the teacher.

I spoke to DS last night about the not listening and the need to respect the teachers and lunch staff - no problem with that. I didn't address the issue of not playing with the older boys as I'm not sure I agree.

DS has always gravitated towards older children and is very comfortable standing up for himself if needs be.

I don't want to make a fuss at the school and am aware that I can be a bit sensitive about anyone criticising DS as I think it is aimed at me for being a working Mum.

This is not one of those posts where I ask AIBU to get a pat on the back, I really couldn't decide last night whether I was right to be annoyed that he wasn't allowed to play with older children or whether the school is right to only let reception play with reception.

Should I take this up with the school or should I tell DS that he can only play with the older children at breakfast & after school club?

OP posts:
cory · 29/09/2010 08:43

I'd have a quiet chat with the teacher to see where they are coming from.

bruffin · 29/09/2010 08:44

I think you need to find out if the older boys want to play with him.

When DS was year 2 he was being followed round the playground by two receptionist who would do anything for attention from him ie kicking his ankles etc Poor DS was actually scared of them! but lost it one day after two weeks of it and kicked back, unfortunately one of the mothers were looking at the time and complained.

The head explained to me that they do have a big problem with reception children hero worshipping the older children and wanting to play with them, but they just end up making nuisances of themselves as they don't really know how to interact with the older boys and it ends up causing a lot of problems ie parents complaining older boys hurting their child who has just started school.

bruffin · 29/09/2010 08:44

sorry I don't think the word whould be "receptionists" [grin} not sure where that came from

Original poster
Poogles · 29/09/2010 08:49

I see where you are coming from Bruffin. I'll speak to the after school club tonight to see if that could be the problem. If it is that, I can understand where the school are coming from, although I think they could have explained it better yesterday! If the older boys are happy for him to play with them, I'm still not sure I get the problem!

OP posts:
diddl · 29/09/2010 08:51

How much older are the other boys?

Perhaps they have said to staff that they don´t want him tagging along?

Doesn´t he have any friends from his own class?

glucose · 29/09/2010 08:53

I would have been a bit annoyed it all seems a bit OTT.

If all the children are in the same playground then it is impossible for the older younger ones to be kept apart.

My dd often gravitates to older boys and gets into fights. She has been punished on 2 occasions when she has caused injuries (always to boys!) in these fighting games. I have been a FT working Mum & SAHM and this has happened.

The Dinner Ladies I have come across believe they were or are PERFECT MOTHERS!

Sassybeast · 29/09/2010 09:09

Agree that the issue may be that he is not welcome by the others or may have been annoying them. Or there may be behavioural issues amongst one of the older children which may leave your son vulnerable. I would imagine that the school WILL have a very good reason for making an issue of this - the problem is that they may not want to share the reasoning with you. Have a word and see if you can get more clarification.

Original poster
Poogles · 29/09/2010 09:28

Thanks for the advice!

I think DS does have friends in his own class (teacher said he is very sociable) although I never get anything out of him apart from 'fine' when I ask about school! He has just always gravitated towards older children.

I'll find out whether it is the others not wanting him to join in or not, although if they are happy for him to play with them, any ideas on how I explain to a 4 year old that the boys he plays with after school he can't play with at school?

OP posts:
glucose · 29/09/2010 09:41

I have tried telling dd that the big boys don't want to play with her, not to fight with boys. I doubt she takes any notice of me! Some times she plays with her neighbours (older & same age)at school and after school, other days she doesn't want to know, or they don't want to know. Unless they are hurting each other , I think it is up to children to sort this out themselves.

bruffin · 29/09/2010 10:00

Also Poggle the older boys may be an awful lot bigger than your ds. My DS at this stage in Year 2 would have also turned 7 and being tall for his age (always around the 90th centile) he would have been one of the biggest and oldest in the playground. The boys that pestered him didn't even come up to his shoulders, he was scared stiff of them bless himGrin

Original poster
Poogles · 29/09/2010 10:08

Having read the responses I think maybe IABU (a little bit!). I can see the school may have a point although I thinkif they want parental support it would be better if they explained their reasoning - I couldn't address the issue last night as I didn't really understand myself!

I think it is maybe a bit of hero-worship and I can understand thatthe school may be concerned that he will come off worse and that I might complain (although I would see it as a life lesson for DS - am I an uncaring mum?!)

It has helped to see it from the POV from the parents of the older children!

If I want to talk to the teacher about this, do I call the school or wait until parents evening/a time when I cn finish early and get to the school gate. What are the rules?

OP posts:
StayingDavidTennantsGirl · 29/09/2010 10:12

Maybe it's more that the school don't want to set a precedent of the reception children playing with the older Infants. If they prefer to keep the Reception children and the older Infants apart at playtime (maybe because they think the older children's play is too boisterous for Reception children in general), then they can't make an exception for one child.

At ds1's primary school, the Reception children had their own, fenced-off area of the playground. Before and after school, the children played where and with whom they wanted, but at break and lunchtime, they were seperated.

lazarusb · 29/09/2010 13:58

My ds was commented upon in Reception because he always gravitated towards older girls. I thought that this was because he has an older sister who he loves and was used to playing with her and her friends. They seemed to think he was in training to be a rapist Hmm

Kewcumber · 29/09/2010 14:02

if school doesn;t want them to play they need to be kept separate - our reception class has a differnt playground the the rest of the school and they aren't even allowed in the dining hall until January. If they stay to after schol club in reception then they are kept in their classroom to play with an adult.

I think its unreasonable to expect a 4 yr old to play with whomever is around in the playground! DS would be just the same.

Kewcumber · 29/09/2010 14:02

lazarusb - thats ridiculous.

FedUpWithLies · 29/09/2010 14:13

I think it is natural for younger children to want to play with older children. If it is only the infants school, there is only Reception, Yr1 and Yr2. I had a Y2 DS and a Reception DS and they played together in the playground with other children too. My older DS got a nice comment about playing with all year groups in his school report.

Unless the older children don't want to play or are heavy-handed, I don't see why it is a problem. Actually, I think it's quite nice that they mix.

maryz · 29/09/2010 14:18

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Galena · 29/09/2010 14:24

Just throwing another suggestion into the mix. Maybe these older children demonstrate... less than desirable behaviour which they don't want your DS to pick up on? If I were the teacher and I'd seen a nice, impressionable reception child who has a 'particular manner' already when being told off playing with the older, challenging children it might be something I wanted to discourage. However, as you can see in this post, it's difficult to get the message across easily. Maybe by 'boisterous' they meant that the children go round and hurt other children for no reason, etc. Perhaps they are trying to protect him from being labelled as a 'naughty boy'. I'm not saying that's the case, and I'm sure they could have got the message across better if it is the case, but just something else to think about.

lazarusb · 29/09/2010 14:26

Kewcucumber- You are right, it was ridiculous. Some people have very nasty minds.

GetOrfMoiLand · 29/09/2010 14:30

I think poogle that they have a general policy of keeping reception children away from the older children. My dd's school had a seperate playground for the younger ones.

I don't think it is worth fussing about - just say to DS that it is the rule for teh school, and when he is a bit older he will be allowed to play with the older boys.

maryz · 29/09/2010 14:31

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Galena · 29/09/2010 14:33

Maryz - precisely. Not a desirable trait.

Original poster
Poogles · 30/09/2010 08:40

Thanks All. Had a chat with DS last night. Explained that it's fine to play with the older kids at after school club because it is not school and it's different. I also explained that he should be playing with children from his own class and that play fighting (whcih seems to be the issue) is not allowed at either. Seemed to go really well...

He got up this morning and refused to go to school unless he was allowed to be in Y1 because reception is for babies and is really boring. Luckily it is show & tell this morning and I was able to distract him with that!

I just wonder if he is maybe a bit bored with school having been in full time nursery for 3.5 years doing 'learning through play' and thought school was going to be different!

OP posts:
Kewcumber · 30/09/2010 10:03

"thought school was going to be different!" - luckily I told DS school was not going to be that much different from nursery! But it does make me glad that our school has a separate playground for reception.

I have stressed to DS that its important that he makes friends in his class because they will be together for a long time and if he is lucky like me that some of them might be friends for the rest of his life.

Original poster
Poogles · 30/09/2010 10:37

Might try that line tonight Kewcumber!

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