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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be upset that my dd doesn't want to come home.

37 replies

scruffymuff · 27/09/2010 22:17

Whenever I go to pick up my 5 yo dd from a friends house/party/grandmas/school club etc etc she doesn't want to come.

I find it really embarrassing when I go to collect her from a play-date and she hides, and I have to bribe/threaten/and generally persuade her to put her shoes on and say goodbye. On occasions I have had to drag/carry her screaming out of the door.

She is on her last chance- if it happens again she is not going on any more play-dates.

I don't think her own home is that bad :-(

OP posts:
Hulababy · 27/09/2010 22:19

Honestly - don't worry or be upset. The number of children we have had do this to their parents when they arrive to collect is very very high. Even now, at 8y, they use all manner of distraction techniques to avoid leaving straight away.

Serendippy · 27/09/2010 22:21

YABU. I used to hide when I went to stay with GPs. Their house was so much more fun than mine. However, if anything bad happened I always wanted my mum. Look long term not at a snapshot.

ps You are kidding about 'no more playdates', aren't you?

PinkieMinx · 27/09/2010 22:22

YANBU to be a bit hurt but it's not you - DSD had to be physically dragged from almost anywhere -she just loves to play and is 'the fun never ends' type. I wouldn't stop playdates - your choice obv. but I wouldn't if it was my choice

BooBooGlass · 27/09/2010 22:22

What an odd attitude to have. WHy on earth say that she can't go on any more if she does it again? She will be having so much fun that she wants to stay, and other people's homes are always more exciting than your own. It would be a terrible mistake on your part to carry out the threat of no more playdates. I think you need to have a bit mroe confidence in yourself. What comes across is a feelign of your own percieved inadequacy tbh.

ColdComfortFarm · 27/09/2010 22:22

Totally, totally normal! I have had to pick up my daughter and literally put her under my arm and carry her out, howling, while cheerily saying 'goodbye, thank you so much!' as I shove her in the car. And it happens vice versa too.

3littlefrogs · 27/09/2010 22:23

I thought all children did that. Sounds normal to me.

ColdComfortFarm · 27/09/2010 22:23

By which, I don't mean she picks me up and carries me out screaming Grin - I playdates at our house have ended similarly. Is your daughter rather, ahem, spirited?

alarkaspree · 27/09/2010 22:24

She is not doing it because she doesn't love you, or even because she doesn't want to come home. She is doing it because a) she is fun and she doesn't want the fun to stop and b) because she has noticed that it really pisses you off.

It is annoying for the other parent though so I don't think it's unreasonable to say something like 'it's time for x to have her bath now so x's mummy wants us to leave. If you don't say goodbye nicely she might not invite you to come again'.

ColdComfortFarm · 27/09/2010 22:26

Shh...don't tell anyone but sometimes I have chocolate about my person that she can only have once in the car...

piscesmoon · 27/09/2010 22:28

Very common we used to have DCs at that age who didn't want to leave our house. If they had had to stay with me for ever they would have been horrified!
Why not expalin that you will give a warning and then you don't want a fuss. Phone up and say you will be there in five mins. It is upsetting to stop when you are having fun.

RumourOfAHurricane · 27/09/2010 22:29

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

cory · 27/09/2010 22:29

Totally normal, why children even used to do it round our house, though dcs assure me that we are totally weird and an embarrassment to all right thinking people.

ChippingIn · 27/09/2010 22:30

CCF

It's normal!! I still remember doing it myself!!

Its also normal to feel embarrassed when they do it!!

Eglu · 27/09/2010 22:31

Perfectly normal. DS1 was terrible when he was younger. He had full on tantrums every time he left one particular friends house. I would physically hold him down to put shoes and coat on.

She will grow out of it.

Original poster
scruffymuff · 27/09/2010 22:31

Oh thank goodness! I am so glad others do this... I just find it really embarrassing when she creates such a scene- think will try the chocolate trick :-).

Yes- she is the sort that just loves to play and play and play! She also is the type that can override any tiredness and doesn't switch off 'til tucked up in bed! (she never wilts on the sofa like some kids do!)

OP posts:
ColdComfortFarm · 27/09/2010 22:32

lol chipping! My oldest used to sit on my lap at parties shyly, my youngest looks horrified and hisses 'why are you STILL here mummy!'Guess which one played me up at picking up time!

ivykaty44 · 27/09/2010 22:33

when she is asked -say no "you refuse to come home mnicely so you can't go until you can promise you can" then see what happens and go through with the threat

ColdComfortFarm · 27/09/2010 22:33

The chocolate trick is a good one - I recommend it. I whisper in her ear, 'don't tell X (playmate) but I have only enough chocolate for one person, so we have to have it in the car'.... Ooh, I should be in Spooks. Cunning, that's me.

Morloth · 27/09/2010 22:41

I thought all kids do it. DS1 never wants to come home when it is time and the kid we have here always want to stay.

verytellytubby · 27/09/2010 22:42

Don't take it personally. My DD still does it (she's 8) although my death stare has stopped the sceaming Grin

BrightLightBrightLight · 27/09/2010 22:45

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

zam72 · 27/09/2010 22:48

Banning playdates probably YABU. But YADNBU to be grrrrrrr about it. My DS (5) is the exact same. Best case scenario he runs off laughing and tries to procrastinate etc. Worst case its him having an epic barney/all out screaming - toe curlingly embaressing! I don't take it personally. I have threatened the 'we won't do this again unless you come right now' (empty threat...bad parent!)! Maybe I should always go armed with a box of Smarties in my pocket.

slimmingworldmum · 28/09/2010 08:44

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

oliviacrumble · 28/09/2010 09:21

Your 11 year-old has a girlfriend!?

Al1son · 28/09/2010 09:56

Ok scruffymuff here's what you do.

When you arrive at friend's house you have your chat before you ask your dd to put her shoes/coat etc on and get ready to go.

When you are completely ready and won't be tempted to stop and chat more you ask her to get ready, say thank you and get in the car.

If she doesn't you have a quiet word with her explaining that she has two options. the first one is to get ready and leave being polite and cooperative. The second option is that you will put her things in the car, come back and pick her up and carry her out kicking and screaming. Ask her which she would like her friend to see happening.

Then do exactly what you said with no more warnings or second chances.

Once she realises that you mean business and she won't prolong the stay by mis-behaving she'll give up on the delaying tactics.

It will only work if you give the warning and then do it if she doesn't cooperate. If you faff around she'll take advantage and you'll get nowhere.