to just fuck off home?

[JjandtheBeanlovesUnicorns]

Ok so long story short, ive had a shit year, we moved 100miles from 'home' had family with terminal illness, unemployment, lost my brother had a miscaridge and our rented house was put up for sale.

During all this ive stayed at my mums as she needed me, now i feel we have outstayed our welcome and are being taken advantage of,

an example,

We visit my ils once a week for 2-3days, they run a pub and fil was taken ill so we lend a hand when the kids go to bed at night.

At mums we had been going halves on the weekly shop, since we arent there for 3 meals i asked if we could alter how we shared the finances, the answer was no.
Whenever anything runs out its up to us, and also the amount of lifts we are asked for is unreal, we are unemployed and live off the bear minimum, my step father earns a fair enough wage yet they come to us saying theyre skint and can we buy x y z, drive them here there and everywhere.
And the most recent thing is my brother is 2 and in the morning he wakes first and they ignore him until he wakes my dcs and we go fetch them all down for breakfast and they then get up bath and have a nice long relaxing morning.... GRRRR.

SO despite them supposedly needing my emotional support would i be unreasonable to pack up and leave this weekend?

Our house still hasnt sold and we need to pack anyway ready for it to sell. Plus after the way we have been treated and the house prices we have decided to stay in the general area we already are in plus, ils pay us for our help, which makes a big difference atm.

is it selfish to think ive had enough and now its time to think about me dp and my dcs?

sorry thats rambling and it seems petty but im exhausted.

gosh!

so if you're unemployed your on jobseekers? how does that work with being around to sign on?

sounds like if you don't go, the relationship will break down to such an extent that there will be no coming back from it.

You can't look after other people at the expense of your own long term happiness or that of your family (that's partner and kids btw!)

And if it is your decision to go, then be aware that you will face a lot of emotional blackmail and will need to stay strong.

If you don't get some distance you will end up hating each other. Is it worth that?

I don't understand, they pay you for help?
but you moan about having to help them?
have i read wrong?
sorry, not judging, just confused?
At the end of the day, if your not happy, move on.

Yanbu
you need to get a job and settle down
would your inlaws give your dh a permanent job in the pub?

No not selfish, JJ just sensible.

If I were in your situation I would be leaving too .

I think it's time for you two (and the kids of course!) to find somewhere to live that isn't dependent on either set of parents.

They both let you down badly.

Get your Mum to write you the letter we talked about last time - the one that makes you officially homeless and get some social housing sorted out.

I'm not being mean, I know you have been through a shit time, but if you carry on like this (being battered between the two) you are both going to end up losing the plot.

Did you two ever go for that drive & talk - properly??

OTT - it's the inlaws who pay them for helping in their pub. Not the parents.

whitecherry, dp signs on and visits me at mums to collect us to be at the ils, so for the large part me and the kids hardly see him.

OTT- ILs pay for our help at the pub, its my side that are taking the mick.

sorry poorly typed op, just back at my house for the first time in weeks and get a whingy text saying there is no cereal, GO TO THE SHOP!!! no they will wait for us to come home in 2 days and sort it.

I mean i understand loosing a child was really hard on mum but she is driving me insane, im scared im being selfish but i do need to put my own dcs first dont i??

Shes pressuring us to move back to suffolk and we just simply cant afford the houses, ctax and so on.

BIGCHRIS
they cant take us full time, full time if that makes sense but they will need us full time hours over christmas and busy times mostly its just pocket money to get the kids shoes and so on, jsa doesnt go very far, we need to settle down and dp get back to work before one of us looses the plot.

i just feel so guilty after letting mum become dependant on us.

Chippin-
Me and dp had a long talk and do regularly, we are for want of a better word, solid, and on the same page. We are actually better than we have ever been at long last.

We have 5 veiwings tomorrow to get the hell out of both of there controll as such, but i just want to go back while we wait for somewhere to come up.

Hecate-
its not working as such, we lend a hand, well we work, on the bar, i run the website for them and when ils can afford it they give us some cash or buy for the dcs, thats ok isnt it? they've never given us more than £20 cash.

JJ - are the 5 viewing council houses?

I think you should stay at your Mums until you get a council house, you have over crowding and her 'letter' on your side that way, if you move back to the rental house you stand less chance of getting a council house.

Is there anything left at your PIL's rental house or have they all taken all of your stuff?

There's nothing wrong with you helping family out for free and nothing wrong with them buying their grandchildren shoes etc or their children groceries etc - preferably cash shouldn't change hands - just to keep things 'above board'.

Oh, I don't care no skin off my nose. I was just saying that I hoped it didn't turn into that sort of thread. I've seen it happen and I don't think it's helpful.

I really think you should move. You can't give over your whole life to them.

If they need care, you can speak to social services and try to get their help.

JJ - it sounds like you're doing an amazing juggling act of keeping everyone happy, providing for your family as well as having gone through some incredibly stressful events yourself.
I agree with the others - time to look after yourself before you have a nervous breakdown / fall out with anyone.
Your DM will have to stand on her own two feet at some point, it may as well be now. You CAN NOT be everything to everyone, regardless of your good intentions. And if you get ill, you will be of use to noone.

Good luck with getting your house, work and home life sorted out hon, then you'll be in a better position to give your DM more support in the future....

Let us know how you get on.

Im not current on your situation JJ
But, however tragic for your mum/family things currently are, she shouldn't be taking the mick.
She's probably unaware of what situation shes putting you in, so you need to either remove yourself from it, distance wise.
Or plain and simple lay down some rules.
Your there for emotional help, and sure pitch in money wise, but really, you shouldn't have to be paying more than you have to, you're not working, i don't know why she expects such and unbalanced amount from you.

maybe set up a 2 week menu thing, and have a list of whats needed etc, and people can add to etc, any extras they want they can get themselves.

It will help your mum/family to go about daily business eventually, so being ferried about like they're all going to break into pieces if they step on a bus isn't really helping them long term.

sometimes we need a kick up the butt after something like this happens, otherwise you get people not being able to move on.

I don't think I get it either. How many kids do you have ? It sounds as if you, your dp and dc outnumber them so why should n't you go halves on the food bill, and what about council tax, utilities etc ? You'd pay for that even if you lived "at home". Sounds like you've made your mum dependent on your help, is she depressed perhaps, but it has been convenient for you too ? Can't believe that shifting around is good for your dc's so make the break and get on with it. How come you haven't moved out while the house was on the market and saved the rent?

thesecondcoming - I don't think JJ has explained the situation very well on this thread, it's not quite as you have put it though (I only know from other threads). She is being taken advantage of in both set ups, including the situation with the inlaws. As with most people, there is a big back story. They need a place of their own - quickly and her partner needs some good luck in getting another job soon.

don't understand why you don't just get on with things??

what do you mean whitecherry, get on with moving out etc, or get on with the current arrangement?

As i understand it, JJ is a young mother ( as am i, not judging) with a young family,
If anything the inlaws should be helping them out a bit more, maybe employing her partner, their DS on a regular basis etc.
Or just having parents not trying to shaft you / take advantage would be nice, non?

Yes, I agree with thesecondcoming - the back story may change things but I don't know it and from this OP, I can't work out who is living where with whom anyway.

It sounds a bit of a no-brainer though: move out, surely.

right,

Back story.

My family live in suffolk, my in laws in midlands. We started our family in suffolk.

Dp had a string of shit jobs and we ended up in a financial car crash, ils put there house up for rent and offered us it cheap to help us back on our feet.
I have two dcs 1 and 3.

we moved march this year,

2 weeks later my grandma who brought me up was diagnosed with terminal cancer and was put in hospital 40mins away from our home town.

Me and dp are the only ones in MY family with a car.

so it fell on us to transport and visit etc.

then shortly after this my brother was stillborn.

i went back again and took on the care of my brother who is 2 and sister who is 5 while my step dad stayed in hospital with her.

after she came home we had a car accident and were left car-less for 3weeks waiting on a cheque from insurance.

THIS IS WHERE IT WENT WRONG

in these 3 weeks my mum became totally dependant on us, my grandmas care fell to my dp (she has to have regular injections and help doing most things)

eventually we had the car back and went home, on arrival discovered some of our things had been taken, nothing of real value, but all the same.

I spent 3 nights at home and in that time the phone never ever stopped, mum grandma and other family members nagging us back, DP had a row with his mum and we did a flounce and stayed at mums,

Row with ils results in for sale sign appearing at the house.

we decide to move back to suffolk as we are needed.

house hunting proves fruitless and the cash flow becomes tighter after us and many others tax credits reclaim was lost, so in a way we coulodnt leave as fuel etc was beyond our means

Mum continues to ask me to stay.

I suffer a miscarige and the doctors have put me on anti depressants as ive struggled to cope this year.

DP and me argue constantly and almost fall apart, but after a long talk we come to an understanding and realise our biggest issue is staying at mums.

Then there is a huge family blow up in dps side, his brother (the brother helps run the family business) attacks his dad and causes a severe heart attack, its discovered fil has a large hole in his valve and needs open heart surgery asap.

There is also a car accident involving dps grandparents putting them in hospital too.

we are asked to go help as obviously the brother is no longer welcome at the pub.

we do what we can with the knowledge we have and in return the ils help us where we fall short money wise as and when they can its a new business and they arent financially secure yet.

Recently my mum has become obsessed with getting pregnant again despite her doctors concerns and with total disregard to my recent mc, it wasnt planned no, but it still caused me alot of pain and upset, id have never planned to fall pg so quickly after my brother was still born.

Anyway once a week for 1 or 2 nights we help at the pub, ils have offered us proper work if we are considering coming back.

Id like to add here, i pay half the food, gas and elec, at my mums, and I still pay rent and utilities on my own house in the midlands while its up for sale.

We also run a car which is used by everyone, as easy as people may think it is, It is NOT easy to just say no to lifts.

maybe in our situation we shouldnt try and afford a car but with both families relying on us id hate to try and afford the amount of public transport wed need.

RIGHT NOW, as it stands we are house hunting in midlands, nearer to suffolk side of it if that makes sense, but we have the offer of some hours in the pub and dp has the offer of a full time job in january.

thesecondcoming

i havent got it bad, really you fancy trying my life just for one week???

yeah ok i should just put my family (me dp and dcs) first and leave.

BUT I HAVE A CONSCIENCE and i love my family dearly, they have supported me very well over the years and dps dad has always tried his best to do the same, iot isnt an easy no brainer like people seem to think, its hard cutting the strings and going home when i know people need and want me around.

maybe i feel selfish because my way of coping is thinking, well i want my own christmas tree thats why im leaving, stupid yes.

so there you go, i hope i didnt miss anything vital.

im not being ungrateful or whingy i am trying to help out my family, which unfortunatly is spread 100miles apart and both needs us at the same time.

AND also, taking advantage by not paying rent, i am not living there i have been BEGGED to stay!!!!!!!!!!!! i pay my way with everything and MORE.

And when does it become ok to assume someone else will get your dc up, change nappy, dress and feed so you can have extra sleep and a nice long bath,
THAT is taking the piss is it not, this is EVERY day for 3 weeks now, and no matter what we say nothing changes. i am trying to be nice as i know she is struggling but i was away one morning and she left my dp to do it!

Now im all ranty,
i would like to quickly say thanks to the lovely mners who have offered me fantastic advice and support since my 1st thread on one of my many issues.

and cant remember who asked we cant go back to the council, they totally refuse until the arrears reach below half way point. no chance of that for some time, unless the grants with the jc we applied for come through. so until then we are attempting privates.

don't have to explain yourself JJ, some people will always think they've got it worse than others.
I can truely say you are clearly suffering and need help, not critisisum.

I haven't got answers for you, but hope you get somewhere soon.