to just fuck off home?

[JjandtheBeanlovesUnicorns]

Ok so long story short, ive had a shit year, we moved 100miles from 'home' had family with terminal illness, unemployment, lost my brother had a miscaridge and our rented house was put up for sale.

During all this ive stayed at my mums as she needed me, now i feel we have outstayed our welcome and are being taken advantage of,

an example,

We visit my ils once a week for 2-3days, they run a pub and fil was taken ill so we lend a hand when the kids go to bed at night.

At mums we had been going halves on the weekly shop, since we arent there for 3 meals i asked if we could alter how we shared the finances, the answer was no.
Whenever anything runs out its up to us, and also the amount of lifts we are asked for is unreal, we are unemployed and live off the bear minimum, my step father earns a fair enough wage yet they come to us saying theyre skint and can we buy x y z, drive them here there and everywhere.
And the most recent thing is my brother is 2 and in the morning he wakes first and they ignore him until he wakes my dcs and we go fetch them all down for breakfast and they then get up bath and have a nice long relaxing morning.... GRRRR.

SO despite them supposedly needing my emotional support would i be unreasonable to pack up and leave this weekend?

Our house still hasnt sold and we need to pack anyway ready for it to sell. Plus after the way we have been treated and the house prices we have decided to stay in the general area we already are in plus, ils pay us for our help, which makes a big difference atm.

is it selfish to think ive had enough and now its time to think about me dp and my dcs?

sorry thats rambling and it seems petty but im exhausted.

You need to at least ask for petrol money for those lifts.

You can't afford to be a taxi service, you have to stand up for yourself a little more.

50p a mile is fair. If they don't like it, then give them a number for a taxi firm.

If the baby wakes up, get up, pick it up as it is and take it in to her, then go back to bed yourself. Do it every time. seriously.

there is no excuse to offload your dc on someone else. she is using you as unpaid nanny, and taking advantage, cos she knows you are stuck.

As for the money, divide up what you give her for staying a week, by 7 and give her only the days you are there.

'Forget' to buy the cereal, develop selective hearing and general fluffiness...

Stop being taken for a mug..

You have your back well and truly against the wall and fair dos to you for holding it all together, you are one strong cookie!!

Tell them NO. Mean it. You have no other option, you are not sitting on wads of cash and being tight, you really are not in a position to do anything else BUT say no to money that you don't really need to spend on stuff you don't need.

sorry i got so ranty, im used to smaller forums that everyone 'knows' everyone but come here since theres no one in rl i know.

Im at the ils atm, hence to big gaps in replys, im back to my mums tonight and hope to have a nice chat explaining we need to go home and put some real time into house hunting ready for dps new job in january.

and also ds was 3 in july and really needs a preschool/ nursery.

i will continue to stay with her maybe 1-2 nights a week then visit for the day and so on as i think going cold turkey could be harsh,

thanks for the advice there littlemisshissy, im not usually such a door mat its just after everything thats happened i kinda feel like i cant upset her, and sometimes wonder if mum is using her grief to control me, then i feel guilty for thinking that. its a tricky situation.

i think ive decided we need to seperate before things turn sour and there is no going back, and a relationship is ruined.

our house currently has had no offers so the plan is go back there pack and house hunt constantly with the aim of moving and being settled for dps job in jan and new intake at the nearest preschool for ds.

i just wish i could switch off about everyone else and think about my little family without worrying about how someone else will feel and how it will affect them.

"sometimes wonder if mum is using her grief to control me" Er, YEAH!!!!

A normal person would not sit on more money than their own daughter and make her pay for this and that, and have you running yourself around and around in circles. A normal mother would take you under her wing and you would be allowed to contribute, not flaming subsidise!

".. then i feel guilty for thinking that. its a tricky situation..." It's only tricky cos you let it!

Your mum isn't feeling guilty about taking money you haven't really even got for a pack of flaming cereal... neither is she feeling guilty about you driving her all over the place without once offering to put money in the tank.

This relationship HAS already been soured, but you being a loving daughter have forgiven and forgotten all of it, to maintain everyone elses image.

You have a family, you have real and important goals that have to be achieved with maximum urgency. NOW is the time for you ALL to fully focus on getting you all back on your feet and as soon as possible. With respect, but your mum is not seemingly batting on your team too well, bugger her feelings, if she were that caring she would never have taken so much advantage up until now.

DP job starts in Jan, great, but he has to find something, anything to get money in before then.

SWITCH OFF ABOUT EVERYTHING ELSE AND THINK ABOUT YOUR OWN FAMILY WITHOUT WORRYING WHAT OTHER PEOPLE FEEL.

Those other people are clearly NOT thinking about YOUR best interests or YOUR FEELINGS!

Chin up girl, best foot forward and all that! You have gumption and drive, you will only be in this situation for a short while, all this shite will pass and you will all be back on top.

You may then have issues with your Mum, as she will have lost control of you... be ready.

thank you misshissy thats just what i needed, me and dp are taking shifts in the family pub up until january, its not enough to live off entirely, well still get a bit of hb etc, but its routine and a bit of pride.

im off to look at two houses now, and i am not looking forward to telling mum, BUT i just got the forms for the local preschool and im enrolling ds asap, that way i cannot back out of my decission.

Go for it JJ!

This is your life and you are really putting the effort in. You can only succeed! Keep it up!!

You should be being helped, not leeched off.

If she were behind you and supporting you, she would be PLEASED that you are going to stand on your own two feet. You shouldn't be worried she will not be happy that you are leaving...

Why are you there? cos you need help in a tough time, or as an unpaid and much abused employee?

Bugger that! If you were a Nanny, you would have QUIT by now!

Thank you! youve given really good straight talking advice.

we found a perfect house, every house wed seen until now had had something that really put us off but this one ticks all boxes. im going for it...

its available imeadiatly too so we wouldnt need to live back at the ils rented house for long either, wed be out back on our own how we used to be.

i actually feel relieved thinking about it despite the amount of packing ill need to do.

You found a house!? great!!!! fantastic news!!

Congratulations! the sooner you can get out of your mum's the better!

Well done!

im really excited, just gotta convince them that despite our shite financial past we wont mess up, so far they seem a fair estate agents so fingers crossed x

Brilliant news :) That is really, really fab. Having your own place again, that has nothing to do with either family will be so good for you all.

It will do DS good to get settled into a nursery as well.

Let us know as soon as you get the all clear from the agent. Even if you don't get it on this house, at least you know there are houses out there, that meet your needs, in your price range!

Fingers crossed you get this house though xx

im being sensible and i still have a few veiwings lined up next week and will continue to search until i have a set of keys in my hand!

will keep you updated, got to go into the office friday and explain things thoroughly they were kind enough to do that instead of just waiting for the credit reference which wouldnt be to great.

i have everything crossed but im not putting all my eggs in one basket even if i did spend ages looking at the local schools website and showed ds some pics

Good girl!! For one so young you really have your head screwed on the right way!! :)

You have had a terrible year or so, but you are on your way out of it - you are strong and determined - you'll be fine!!

I will keep my fingers crossed for you on Friday - just remember as long as you are certain you can afford it, only tell them what they need to know - put a positive spin on things.

You can afford it can't you??

yes, yes, its below the amount of hb we recieve with dp unemployed, and on his previous lowest wage we could cover it.

ive been tempted to look at ones slightly over and smacked my own wrist and decided even an extra £20 is a stupid idea!!!

im learning, slowly.

You're lucky the HB covers the rental!! It doesn't go anywhere near it in the SE!

thats one of the reasons we leant back toward midlands, idealy id go back home to east anglia but ALL 2 beds we saw were above the hb we recieve and the long and short of it if the dcs are in the same room they dont sleep, they shared for 8mnths it was torture.
And until dp has been in a reliable job for some time i darent take any risks.

Well that's good :) (it being under the HB you get and affordable on DP's wage (when he gets one - not much out there is there :( ) Yeah, tempting though £20 is to go over by - it's sometimes the difference between being 'OK' & 'stretched'. However, if you don't get this one, I would look at them then offer what you can afford - landlords are in this recession as well and sometimes £20 is neither here nor there to get tennants who you think will look after the place.

You are being really sensible and are making some hard choices to make 'sensible' choices - it's not easy, but you will get there.

Good Luck for tomorrow (or today, depending on how you look at it!!).

(LittleMissHissyFit - I'm in the SE too and you'd be lucky if it covered half the rent! It's all postcodes isn't it!)

Appointments been moved to tuesday, but no one will see it before then, i dont want to get my hopes up but it seems telling them we have arrears etc hasnt put them off too much.

really appreciate the advice and support, ive spent a long time making decissions to please others and feeling miserable, its time for me, dp and the los now, if im 'home' by christmas i shall be the happiest mner ever, just to be settled again is all i want.

Chipping I was shocked when I spoke to a neighbour where I used to live, she told me all about it and that the housing wait is over 14 years!!

She has 4 DC under 6, another one on the way and lives in a very small 2 bed house.

OK so it's her choice to have 5 DC, but nonetheless, it has to be so cramped in her house.

HB won't cover anywhere big enough for her, by the time she's at the top of the list, her DC may have grown and flown the coop!

JJ, all the best of luck, you really need to get a place of your own too! fingers crossed!!

JJ how's the weekend been?

I'm getting cramp in my fingers keepng them crossed - so I hope your meeting goes well on Tuesday :)

LMHF - it's another postcode lottery!