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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think that a "routine" for a three day old is a bit

26 replies

shimmerysilverglitter · 27/09/2010 13:48

Sad.

Spoke to MIL yesterday and she told me that she is "helping SIL (just had a baby)to get baby into a routine".

When I had my ds there was lots of talk from MIL of routines, making rods for own backs and putting ds on "real milk" ie not breastfeeding and I took not a jot of notice and still don't.

Unfortunately SIL not too experienced with babies and depending on her Mum for advice and to help out.

Just made me feel a bit sad really.

OP posts:
MrsC2010 · 27/09/2010 13:51

Blimey, I'm battling with myself enough over our 6 wk old! She still seems too young to be pushed into a routine...so perhaps I should get my 'rod' ready for a few months time.

ChippingIn · 27/09/2010 13:52

YANBU - could you go around yourself and help SIL out a bit, sort of, point her in the right direction. You don't have to say her Mums a twat, just give her better other options.

HecateQueenOfWitches · 27/09/2010 13:52

what about giving sil some support yourself?

but at the end of the day, many many people do swear by 'routine' for their baby (I was never organised enough to bother with any form of routine, I left it to the kids to sort out their own Grin ), and it's really a matter of choice. If you feel your sil is being bullied by her mum then perhaps be there for her too?

Original poster
shimmerysilverglitter · 27/09/2010 13:57

Grin chippingin.

I would offer assistance but I suspect they think I am a bit of old hippy Mum when it comes to babies. Think slings, Breast Feeding and co-sleeping. MIL and her Mum, very old fashioned about babies and all girls in the family tend to do it like it was done back then iyswim.

Of course whatever works for them really. I suppose......

OP posts:
frakkinnakkered · 27/09/2010 14:02

YA possibly B a bit U

Firstly define 'routine'.

You can set a pattern of events from day 1 - the simplest is the Eat Activity Sleep You-time one - which some people would call a routine. Doing things in a predictable way can be very calming as long as you respond to the baby's needs. Plus some people need a set of step by step things they repeat over and over to reassure themselves that they're not forgetting anything. So if it's that kind of routine and your SIL feels she needs a bit of that kind of structure then YABU.

I wouldn't have set feeding/sleeping times for one so tiny though so if it's a routine which insists on 3 hourly feeding with 2 hour naps in between, a 7pm bedtime and wake the baby every 3 hours on the dot then YANBU. That said a lot of people find it helpful to have a 'reset' at 7am every day when they wake up, start the day and try to roughly predict when baby is going to next need a bottle/sleep.

Your SILs baby will soon let her know whether routines are on the menu or not but I second the suggestions of support. Just be there to let her know not all babies 'do' routine and to go with the flow and not stress about timing.

OutOutLetItAllOut · 27/09/2010 14:03

if SIL is happy to do that with MIL help, then let them. just cause its not how you would do it doesnt mean it is wrong. let her make her own way.

Serendippy · 27/09/2010 14:05

YABU to be so sad about it, might end up suiting them perfectly. Second what frakkinnakkered said about a routine not necessarily being 3 hourly, maybe they mean more along the lines of feed, nappy change and aim for baby to sleep, doing this as and when necessary.

All will (probably) work out in the end.

Original poster
shimmerysilverglitter · 27/09/2010 14:06

Well MIL definitely subscribed to the every 4 hours feeding method so hoping that is not part of the routine.

But yes you are right it is totally up to them I just remember being shocked by some of her "advice" when ds was tiny.

OP posts:
ragged · 27/09/2010 14:07

YANBU :(.

Chil1234 · 27/09/2010 14:28

It's not the baby that needs a routine you daft lot, it's the mother! Post-birth and everything is a bit of a blur. Cutting through the fog with some kind of loose timetable of activities gets your addled brain back into gear and gives you a sense of which way is up.... Don't knock it.

Original poster
shimmerysilverglitter · 27/09/2010 14:29

Oh I am a great believer in bath at same time of day, try to get to bed, naps same time of day and so on. It's the not picking up because you will make rod for own back, crying strengthens lungs and only feed every four hours thing that makes me feel sad.

OP posts:
domeafavour · 27/09/2010 14:35

whatever works for them
there are different methods coming out all the time
My DS is only 3 and there are new things on here that I never heard of!!
You do what comes naturally to a degree and then take on board advice from those whose opinion you respect. they might be old fashioned methods and opinions, but sil is not going to do anything she seriously doesn't agree with
your sil will figure it out herself, but echo some advice further up, suggesting you support your sil, just gently let her know you are just a phone call away if she needs anything

RubyBuckleberry · 27/09/2010 14:35

i agree with chil1234 i didn't know my arse from my elbow when i had DS so the EASY thing by BW really helped ME. obviously DS had other ideas lots of the time which i was happy to go with, but having some kind of structure helped me cope in the early days.

ForgottenTomato · 27/09/2010 14:36

I had a routine with DS when he was 3 days old. It went: feed DS, feed DS, feed DS, feed DS (continue ad nauseum). It was exhausting.

My mother is big on routines. I remember her insisting that I do controlled crying on my 8 week old and insisting that he should sleep through the night. I was only 19 when I had my first and felt I had to do what my (overbearing) mother said (as she knew best). By the time I had my second (nearly a decade later) I was older and wiser. My mother was not at all happy that she didn't get to be in charge any more and made things extreme difficult and unpleasant for everyone. She's still difficult (although, as always, pretending to be 'helpful').

I'd be feeling quite sorry for my SIL if I were you. Know it all mothers are a nightmare.

sookie1980 · 27/09/2010 14:43

i had a routine early on with both my dcs and it worked well for me and them.

PinkieMinx · 27/09/2010 14:43

Massively depends on the 'routine' but I had one from the off - routine, routine, routine is my mantra - we all know where we are and I have a happy baby. I'm just not a strap baby to my boosom and go with the flow type. Whatever works for you - so for me YABU!

Sullwah · 27/09/2010 15:17

Agree with PinkieMinx

First 3 days home with the DTs were chaotic hell.

Day 4 - started a 7pm to 7am routine ... everything became calmer and less disorganised ...

The babies did not do anything different - but I felt more in control

SloanyPony · 27/09/2010 15:20

Its none of your business. None of it affects you.

I'm sure your SIL can think for herself and will pick and choose the help she needs and the advice she doesn't, as you did.

YABU

MotherofHobbit · 27/09/2010 16:25

She might not mean a strict routine in the often used sense of the word. Newbies don't always know how emotion-ridden the word can be.

I got told off for saying I was trying to get DS into a routine when he was very young but I really just meant getting him used to a bath at the same time of day, sleeping in his cot at night, trying to get him to nap when he'd been awake a bit long etc - basically just trying to add a bit of structure to his day.

Strict 4 hourly feeding for a newborn is Shock though.

MotherofHobbit · 27/09/2010 16:30

Your SIL might appreciate you stepping in, actually, especially if she's a bit Hmm about MIL's advice but not confident enough as a new mum to argue.

She might like to be able to say 'Well, I thought I'd try shimmerysilverglitter's advice. It worked well for her'

Of course, that might put you on the spot.

duncandisorderly · 27/09/2010 16:31

I am a routine lover. Of course I respond if my babies need me, but on the whole it helps to be able to predict when they will want to eat and sleep.

Which reminds me, it's 4.30pm so time to wake them from their afternoon 45 minute nap.....

SkiHorseWonAWean · 27/09/2010 16:34

It's not your business and rather than making a thinly-veiled snide attack on your SIL and MIL why don't you get of your GFA and actually do something nice to help?

The word "routine" could be any number of things - it could mean the simplest helping your sister change the sheets/get showered and not get overwhelmed.

But g'wan - continue with your holier-than-thou - it'll make you feel far superior and you'll be able to feel smug in the prescence of your SIL forever more.

I look forward to your "My SIL fed her child a fishfinger AIBU to think she's sub-human?"

prozacfairy · 27/09/2010 16:39

Routine? at 3 days? bloody hell. I was just holding baby in my arms still on day 3 and kissing her Smile

Nothing wrong with getting into some kind of routine with a baby imo, but 3 days after birth? Seems like setting yourself up for disappointment/failure.

ChippingIn · 27/09/2010 16:54

How well do you get on with your SIL?

If it's a distant relationship I'd probably just let them get on with it.... if you really like her/get on well/feel comfortable around her, it wont help to visit quite a bit and tell her how you do things, just confirm that there are other ways - give her more options and strength to do things the way she chooses...

Depends how old she is, how much experience she has and what her personality is like I guess.

She might enjoy a bit of light relief from her Mum by a Hippy Chick Grin

Sullwah · 27/09/2010 16:57

prozacfairy - it did not set me up for disappointment or failure with my twins.

Without a routine from day 1 (ok - more like day 4) I could not have coped.

Just because a routine is not for you - don't knock it for others.