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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To want to kill my father for doing this.

31 replies

Whitethorn · 27/09/2010 12:16

This is a long story made as short as I can. My father left the family home when I was 11. In reality he worked away from home lots and drank a good bit when he was home. Mum and him had a complicated relationship but he was physically abusive to her on a couple of occassions and had affairs, was also never there for his children. Parents never got officially divorced and father was very sporadic on child support - think us as kids going down to local boozer to beg him for the crappy bit of money. Mum worked full time, kept home and is a general hero.

Dad threatened to go to courts for family home several times but never did (at this stage Mum has put more into the house than Father ever (part) paid for it)
Now the woman he is living with has thrown him out and he is going after the house. Its not a great house and half of it is worth very little. My brother has a mental illness and lives at home with Mum and if my Father got a share he would just drink it and break my mothers and brothers hearts.

Myself and my other brother and sister want no share in the house, it is for my older brother to give him security.

My father and I dont talk - he refused to come to my wedding (because I wouldnt ask him to give me away) meet my husband or acknowledge the birth of his 1st grandaughter - he ignored both of us when I stop to say hello to him in the street.

I feel sorry for him that he has such a lonely life but AIBU to absolutely hate him for what he is doing to my mother?

OP posts:
expatinscotland · 27/09/2010 12:19

I'd sue him for back child support. In fact, I think all of you should sue him.

BuntyPenfold · 27/09/2010 12:22

YANBU to hate him. Your poor mum,looking after your brother, and now with this worry.
Can she get legal aid?

loopyloops · 27/09/2010 12:23

I agree with expat.

Original poster
Whitethorn · 27/09/2010 12:24

Thanks expat, he just destroyed all my mothers confidence to the point where she couldnt fight. We have all settled over the last 10 years and are all happy, with partners, good jobs etc, which is no mean feat given all my Mum had to do to get us there. And now just when we get there, he is going to crap all over it. I am actually crying with anger.

OP posts:
StripeyMoon · 27/09/2010 12:24

Surely he can't get his hands on it after all this time??

If he can then I would do as Expat suggests.

mamas12 · 27/09/2010 12:24

Fight him all the way and let him know. I could be all bravado and when he realises that you are all going to fight him he may drop it.

Sorry you have had a shit dad but sounds like you have a great family otherwise.

BudaisintheZONE · 27/09/2010 12:27

He sounds like a bully. Bullies usually cave quite quickly if bullied back.

Are you and your siblings strong enough to go and talk to him? Tell him that you have long memories and remember having to go into the pub to ask for money before he drank it. Tell him that if he ATTEMPTS to try and get the house you will sure him for back child support. A couple of big brawny types should help get the message across.

Original poster
Whitethorn · 27/09/2010 12:27

Apparently he can get a portion if not half the house (20 years on)as there was no legal separation. Believe me I will square up to him but the problem is that he has nothing to lose, he doesnt care if none of his children speak to him. Even his own brothers and sisters disowned him.

OP posts:
BuntyPenfold · 27/09/2010 12:31

Could you fight it on the grounds of your brother needing to stay there?
I know my father's dementia (not the same thing I know) was made much worse if he was away from his home; his GP said his home was his anchor.

GetOrfMoiLand · 27/09/2010 12:31

Oh crikey waht a hodeous situation for you all.

i have no idea re legal aspects, but surely if he has not lived in the home and contributed for 20 years or so, surely he should only be entitled to 50% of what it was worth 20 years ago iyswim.

I would take pre-emptive action and go to see a solicitor or the CAB as soon as you can. Try (hard I know) to seperate the cold, legal and financial side from the emotional turmoil which you are going through.

Your mum sounds like a star, sounds like you have a lovely family now, which is a great testament to you having been able to break the chain of abuse which is your father's contribution to the family.

GeekOfTheWeek · 27/09/2010 12:31

Fight him.

Use your anger constructively.

YANBU at all.

belledechocolatefluffybunny · 27/09/2010 12:33

IIRC, your mother can divorce him as he has left the family home longer then 5 years. When a court look into separation of assets then they will look at how much (or little) he has paid into the house, the fact that he's paid FA will go in your mother's favour. She needs to seek legal advice, alot of solicitors give an hour free, law centres are charities so will work for free aswell.

He is a bully, Buda is right. I personally would threaten him with back dated child support unless he sod's off. Is his name on the house deeds?

Original poster
Whitethorn · 27/09/2010 12:40

Ladies thank you for all the advise, its really helpful. Am going to show Mum this thread to get us all fired up!!

Yes his name is the only -I know Shock- name on the deeds. No records were kept on child support etc but its a good idea to pursue him.

I should have added, my parents are in Ireland and the law and general society does not always work in womens favour.

OP posts:
NineTails20 · 27/09/2010 12:46

What part of Ireland are your parents in? The only thing I can honestly think of is that your mother NEEDS to get in touch with a solicitor/citizens advice, and get everything down in writing. If it helps, ring the Family Courts(up her inn Dublin, that would be Dolphin House, in East Essex Street) and see what they can tell her.

Best of luck!

Original poster
Whitethorn · 27/09/2010 12:53

She's in Dublin so there is lots of choice, we are meeting tonight to put together a plan.

First thing to decide is, is he bluffing. Mums big concern is if she dies, then my father will move into the house and my brother will have nothing. Therefore, I am thinking a will is the next step to find out of mum can leave her share (even if its not legally specified) to my brother.

Then if my father does nothing, her greatest fear is covered off.

However mum is gung ho about sorting it out and not having it hanging over her. I am not sure though if that will result in her losing the house and maybe we are better waiting for him to make the first legal move.

OP posts:
proudnglad · 27/09/2010 12:53

Jesus Whitethorn, what you've all been through Sad.

This sorry excuse of a 'father' deserves nothing from you or anyone else.

I have no idea of the legals and practicals (posters above have given you great advice) but I agree - FIGHT him.

racmac · 27/09/2010 13:01

Ok its probably different in Ireland but the first thing a Solicitor would do is put a charge against the house - here its a MH4 form to prevent him from selling the house from under her.

The Court will take into account all that has happened and your brothers condition.

Definately make a will - if anything happens to your mum he gets the lot not children.

Hope you sort him out wanker

ChippingIn · 27/09/2010 13:02

Whitehorn - you all need to go and speak to a solicitor, you need to know where you stand legally. Speaking to a Solicitor will not result in her losing the house - they are on your side. Once you have all the facts you can then decide how to proceed. Please don't stick your head in the sand hoping it will be OK, out of fear, that is the road that is most likely to allow your father to take over the house in the event of your mothers death.

You are all being lovely in acknowledging that your brother needs the house more than you all need a share in it. This should be signed up now by a solictor though, rather than it just being a verbal agreement or in your Mums will - then it can't be successfully contested.

Stay strong x

thumbwitch · 27/09/2010 13:06

What a mess - I really hope you get some good legal advice and get it all sorted out and airtight. YANBU in the slightest for your feelings - the man is the selfishest of bastards.

Find a good solicitor asap and good luck!

coraltoes · 27/09/2010 13:48

If it helps i'd make every offspring demand a share int he house- if only to reduce what his claim to it might be. You can then all sign your share over to your lovely sounding mother and brother. Good luck!!

expatinscotland · 27/09/2010 14:06

He's a bullying prick. The only way to deal with him is to be a united front of even bigger prick that he is.

Rather than kill him, which is a waste of time because he's a waste of space and you'd just wind up in jail, I'd do my best to make his life a misery until he pisses off.

I'd become the thorn in his side he'd be desperate to get rid of and let him know that everything I learned about being a bitch I learned from him.

Show your mam this thread, too. And get in touch with your other siblings to make a plan.

Original poster
Whitethorn · 27/09/2010 14:39

Thanks everyone, I have the name of a good solicitor and an appointment for later in the week.

Expat believe me I have thought about it, but just remind myself that living his life of bitterness and loneliness must be worse than living in hell!

OP posts:
BudaisintheZONE · 27/09/2010 15:52

You say he left the home when you were 11. I know that used to be classed as desertion. (Am also from Dublin.) I remember because my aunt's husband deserted her. A few times. It might make a difference legally.

BudaisintheZONE · 27/09/2010 16:01

Shame my Dad is too old now to dish out the punishment he gave his sister's 'D'H!!

ColdComfortFarm · 27/09/2010 16:06

She needs to divorce him, then the courts (if same as in UK) can decide who gets what. If they weren't ever married, he would be entitled to the house, but marriage gives protection. Right now she has co-ownership of the house regardless of whose name is on the deeds, and in divorce the judge can award her the entire property if it is deemed fair, again, regardless of who is on the deeds. But she needs legal advice.

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