to think your not helping if all you do is play?

[rpickett]

I know, I know lots of threads by me recently but anyway...

I have my MIL here this week, the idea being she came up while Iam heavily pregnant to help with my two DC's (2year and 1year old) and generally help me and DH out so we could (dare I say) rest a little before our arrival.

BUT AIBU to think that watching me lug the hoover around the house, clean and cook seperate meals for her as she wont eat what we eat isn't helping?

She offered to watch the boys for an hour the other day but asked to make sure they had been changed and fed first, so all she had to do was play with them (couldn't even do that, see another thread).
If I ask she if she would mind doing something, all I get is yeah no problem and 2 hours later I end up doing it myself.

AIBU to be fed of having to look after another person who quite frankly is messier then my own DC's when she is supposed to be here to help, not just play with the DC's and wind them up when getting ready for bed or undermining me at every oppotunity?

YANBU.

She sounds a bit daft.

Do we share a MIL? Although mine wouldn't stay at my house, it's far too dirty for her to even have coffee here
[my house is not dirty, it's chaotic, but not dirty]

YANBU.

YANBU. She eats what you eat , OR she makes what you all eat (does she have a speciality she can rustle up?). Could you maybe be really specific with her eg "Can you run the hoover round these 2 rooms whilst I have a shower for ten monutes?". Don't let her coast- it shouldn't be harder with her there!

MY MIL announced she was coming to stay for a week whern our DS1 was was born but she is such bloody hard work to look after we said a firm NO. She didn't like it mind you!

With a 1yo and a 2yo and baby belly, you've got enough going on!

She absoulutly refuses to cook, which fair enough she doesn't cook for herself at home but justs eats yogurts and crisps, however when I say I'm cooking such and such for dinner would you like some, I get "oh no but I saw xxx in the freezer, could you cook me that?"
I asked if she would mind wiping the kitchen sides whilst I hoover as she spilt tea all over it and low and behold she hasn't done it, well sod it, it can stay there for now and I will get DH to tell her when he gets in, not that she will do it even if he says something.

Sorry for the rant x

Good grief, I would ask her to leave. Seriously. I know it's a risk of future problems, so blame it on your hormones or something. But there's no way you should be doing any extra when she's supposed to be helping.

Next time she asks for something different for dinner, just say no! Stand up for yourself!

StayFrosty I really feel for you, at least mine only comes about 4 times a year, but the weeks she stays last a lifetime (seriously I cannot get her biro marks off my sofa that were caused by her giving my ds the pen to play with).
Spilt tea still there but I'm going for a bath leaving my puppy to maul her... I am joking about that part but she is convinced he will do because he is a dog and thats what dogs do (not scared of him but very media orientated)

YANBU. I had this kind of "help" from inlaws after my DD was born. FIL is a neat freak so wasn't huge issue apart from putting stuff away where it didnt belong

MIL. OMG. Thankfully the baby could sleep through a rave but I couldn't even sleep through ITV3 with the volume so loud the walls buzzed. I do not care for Sherlock Holmes, Morse etc especially when sleep deprived. Didnt much like having my baby force fed milk til she threw up.

Get rid of this woman now before you start plotting how to make her death look like an accident.

Based on what you've said, YANBU. Get your DH to tell her to go home.

yanbu I would get rid of her (ask to leave, not assassinate, however tempting)

I think you need to say NO a bit more often tbh

And make a list of things for her to do.

Give her a pencil and ask her to choose 5 of these 10 things to do to help, and to cross them out when she's finished, and let you know what she's done as you will need to organise your mother to do the rest.... (might stir her competitive bones into action)

And if she can't eat what you are having ask your Dh to cook something for her, or that she starves.

Repeat after me "I am not a slave to my MIL" (just the kids then....!)

YANBU at all.

She sounds all chocolate teapotty like my own mother: my MIL has come over for lunch once and I waited on her hand and foot... once mind.

Good luck with the birth

Thanks everyone, glad to see I'm not being unreasonable for once, I have spoke to DH and she is going home on tuesday (it's 120 miles by coach so not an easy trip for her) and he has booked her ticket.
She has decided to come up again for xmas so DC3 will only be around 6 weeks old so be prepared for lots more to come (as post-natal I seem to be very hormonal)and I cant really say no as DH would be gutted.
At least hopefully next time I will be physically able to handle the running around and I have time to learn the word NO.
Kitchen sides still not wiped so have told DH to do it as it's his mother and she is asleep.
Hopefully the weather improves tomorrow so at least we can go out and not have my house looking like a tip having to listen to "oh I think the dog is gonna bite the DC in a minute" talking about the sleeping puppy next to her.... AND BREATH!!!

Maybe get DH to clean up after her every time she makes a mess? Honestly she sounds like mare. If your DH will be heartbroken if she doesn't come then lay down a few conditions. With 3 DCs you do NOT need another person to wait on.

I asked my DH to feed our DS2 (9m) some mashed banana when MIL was staying. He asked MIl to do it. Next thing I know, DS2 is screaming because he has 3 mouthfuls of banana and a spoon in his mouth, he hadn't swallowed the first two mouthfuls before she put a third in and he was screaming and red faced- she couldn't even do that! I was cross with DH for not doing it himself. Luckily she only stays about twice a year so I can put up with it (just).

YANBU, you sound like a saint!! My MIL will come round to "help" but really she thinks that as I did Psychology as a minor part of my degree 13 years ago, I am her personal counsellor! Am 37 weeks pg with a 3 yr old dd and if she ever babysits (with FIL) she does "nothing". As she leaves she always says "Oh you could really do with a hand around the house couldn't you? and I always reply "yes please" and then we do the same dance next time. The rest of the time she just talks at me. Thank goodness my mother is an angel!!! (although lives 3 hours away compared to 40 mins for in laws)

Tell her what you are making for food and that she can help herself to anything else you have but with 2 dc and another on the way you have enough to do. Easier said than done though, I know so good luck and remember you are the normal one!!! xxx

My DH does try and help out but even he is at a lose at times, he works hard and I cant expect him to tidy up after her constandly, we have both spoken to her but nothing ever improves and it goes in one ear out the other, unfortunatly I think I'll have to put up with it but at least it is only 4 times a year, unlike every week before we relocated.

I'm just frustrated at the fact she came to "help" and hasn't actually lifted a finger, but keeps going on about how much my DH does for me and how her (ex) husband never even changed a nappy or left her to walk 3 miles with her two boys and a load of shopping in the pouring rain so he could go to the pub, yes I'm sorry she had a hard time but at least she should be happy her son has more respect for women then him.

Spoke to her only earlier today about trying to keep up with the housework, only to be told that it isn't possible to have a clean house with 2 toddlers and I should just learn to live with the mess and how cruel I am to be doing the housework when I could be playing with them (ok we'll just leave ALL the mess and live in piles of dirty nappies/clothes and eat with dirty cutlery then).

Poor you OP. Can't you say your house is full now you have 3 Dcs (after baby is born) and point her towards B and B? You are being so reasonable, there is no excuse for her behaviour. If she can't take hints from both of you, then get firm. You will have 3 kids- you can't look after her as well!

BnB definitely for Xmas. Yes!

Order the food in from MnS for Xmas - it's great.
And get your Dh to sort her out regarding her mess and her food - don't even think those self defeating he works so I'm the housework person thoughts.

your MIL is not your responsibility!

I think you deserve time to kick back at this point and think about your own family, and the new arrival to be.

Here's hoping everything goes perfectly for you all.

Oh dear, I blew it I really have, I lost my temper big time so she has now gone to stay at the b&b at my expense of course as way of apology.

She left the stair gate open this morning and I came down from putting clothes away to find my 1yr old DS in the kitchen opening the cleaning cupbord, I really wasn't happy and warned her that I wasn't in a good mood and I'm losing my patience (just found out I have to put one of my ferrets to sleep today as too ill to carry on), then 10 mins later she said she was popping to the shop, ok I said hold on let me grab the dog, but no she just opened the door and let my dog out straight onto a busy road, wasn't hurt but my heart jumped into my throat and I lost it bug time, I just screamed at her that she is fucking useless and to leave my house immediatly. OOPS I know I was unreasonable, feeling bad now.

You weren't unreasonable, not at all. Possibly will be made to feel so by DH later - so, grit your teeth!

She was the one who left the gate open - DS could have been seriously harmed (or worse).

She was the one who let the dog out onto the busy road - could have been seriously harmed (or worse).

(See the link there - 2x seriously harmed or worse - stress those when talking to DH later!!)

I think I would be telling DH that his Mother can only be at your house when he is at home to keep an eye on her - you don't need an adult-child to look after as well as your actual children.

Do NOT feel bed and do NOT allow DH to make you feel bad either.

YADefinitelyNBU - and I don't think you are unreasonable to have blown your top at her given all the provocation you have had not to mention the fact you are heavily pregnant and thus likely to be awash with hormones!

YABU to pay for her b&b - I would have made her go straight home pay for it herself or at least make your dh pay for it so he has to suffer some consequences of his mum. If you pay for it then she will be sitting there 'knowing' that she is right and you are wrong because you are apologising and paying for her IYSWIM.

I think you should write her a letter explaining how you see things and why you blew your top. First version - just vent and rage away, put everything in and then shred it after you have let your dh read it.

Write a more considered second version. Don't apologise for blowing your top at her, but maybe say that you wish you had been brave enough to say something beforehand so that it hadn't had to get to a point where the only way that she would realise that there was a problem was for you to have to rage at her.

I would also say that you expect your dh to be there during the day when your MIL is around to look after her and start to limit the length of her visits, maybe to a long weekend to start with (assuming your dh is at home at the weekend) and if she stays any longer then to have lots of prior plans out of the house for you and dc without her.

I'd also start talking to your dh (and maybe MIL) about the possibilites of her having some sort of aging dementia or disease - play up the concern angle and stress how she says she says she will do something but forgets / ignores reasonable requests re safety of children and animals / etc. I don't know if she is or isn't - but it might start to make your dh sit up and take notice that his mum is not helping you and could be causing trouble.

I'd also stop pandering to her requests for things like different meals that she has spotted in the freezer - a simple 'sorry but I've already got that in for xxx and I'm not going to have a chance to replace it before the baby comes, we're having yyy tonight'.

and stay frosty - rather than getting non-committal when your dh next suggests that your mil comes to hel - have you tried snorting - turning into laughing - turning into hysterics and finally managing to get 'you say that like you really think she'll actually help, with helpers like her I don't need kids to turn this place into chaos, etc' and then suddenly go quiet and go 'OMG you really do think she helps and fall for all her talk - sorry darling but she's worse that the kids put together...'

rpickett

you are a bloody saint to put up with that nonsense for that long. I have banned my MIL from staying in my house (fortunately SIL isn't too far, so she can stay there and visit us in small doses) for behaviour like your MIL has displayed (amongs other things). I told dh that if she stayed in the house, then he could take annual leave from work and look after her because I was fed up running around after her, and I would go and stay in a b&b.

I think you need to talk to your dh about the stress she puts you under, and point out that with 2 toddlers and a baby bump to look after, you don't need his Mother to look after too!

If you weren't pregnant, I'd suggest a bottle very large glass of wine.

Well done rpicket, and sorry about your ferret.

Get your feet up now missus and concentrate on the important people in your life, starting with number one - that's YOU by the way...

Best bit of advice I got from my midwife was you are the most important person in your family...

How wonderful this annoying person is gone, now you can relax and get your mind in a good place! Don't spend another minute thinking about her nibs.

Listen to some lovely music now and have a little sing song with your lovely DCs. I bet your bump will join in.

Hurray!

yanbu at all.
am tied up at the mo but can share some similiar stuff with you when I get a mo.
really empathise with you, OP.