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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

'Ahhh, wouldn't you rather have a girl?'

52 replies

stillfrazzled · 26/09/2010 17:59

Sorry, I know there have been a lot of gender threads this week.

Am 21 weeks pg with DS2 - scan confirmed gender last week and have been mentioning this to people at work etc if they ask how I'm doing.

On Friday, no less than THREE people asked if I wasn't disappointed and hadn't I wanted a girl.

I am a bit Shock and Angry that people are effectively inviting me to express disappointment about a real live (if unborn) baby.

So would IBU to say, politely: "Well, I've had two miscarriages since New Year's Day and this pregnancy looked like it wasn't viable for the first trimester. I'm too grateful for a baby to quibble about what's between its legs."

I don't want to be horrible, but I would quite like to make sure they think twice before asking such a daft question again.

[In the interests of total honesty, I have to admit that if I had been given a free choice, I would have liked one of each. But even so]

OP posts:
thisisyesterday · 26/09/2010 19:39

people DO say incredibly tactless and stupid things sometimes don't they?

best i had on hearing we'd just had our third boy
"oh, you must like boys then!"

um.. yeh

ledkr · 26/09/2010 19:59

Imagine how I felt on no 3 ds! rude morons yes tell them. I had dd on number 4 but didn't know from scan am now on number 5 and its the only pg I've not had it with. I'm 21 wks too. congrats !

Lovinmybois · 26/09/2010 20:03

When someone asked my father what i'd had (ds), he replied in a very sarcastic tone 'a baby'. I still giggle about it!

traceybath · 26/09/2010 20:06

I want a baby elephant.

Theincrediblesulk1 · 26/09/2010 20:08

I get this sometimes too, i have had 3 boys. I always say "no way girls plumbing is far too complicated, and i would have to put them on the pill at 13" That normally shuts them up. Also normally followed by (from old people) "oh yeah girls are far more trouble" Ha ha silly old sods!

wisteria12 · 26/09/2010 20:17

As of now, I have 3 DSs and 1 DD, which is great. But when I was pregnant with DD, people kept saying "Oh, I bet you're hoping for a girl." I got so annoyed after a while that when a woman asked made a similar comment I just said "Actually, I'm hoping it's a flying monkey, that way I can train it to attack anyone who says anything so idiotic." Awkward silence ensued, followed by a hushed apology and me being mentally crossed off of the christmas card list.

RumourOfAHurricane · 26/09/2010 20:18

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

DandyLioness · 26/09/2010 20:24

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

mollycuddles · 26/09/2010 20:37

I had ds and then three years later dd. Family complete and people approved. All was well and then I got pg again and had another dd. People regularly ask me if she was an accident because having one of each why would I want another child???

I may even have another and would be happy with a ds2 or dd3. I like children and being a mum - gender is irrelevant to me.

Op say whatever you're comfortable saying. And congrats on your pregnancy.

zipzap · 26/09/2010 21:27

dandy lioness - wereyou tempted to cut out the ultrasound of the elephant to bring out if people asked you about your scan ? Grin

being able to say 'Nah, think I want an elephant this time...' and whipping out that picture - can imagine you'd get some great reactions GrinGrin

4kidsandcounting · 26/09/2010 21:45

I had 3 ds before dd came along,every time i was pregnant i got the"oh i bet you want a girl this time"etc etc.But by far the worst and most stupidest comment came from the receptionist in the local paper office when i went in to place a birth announcement ad,she read my announcement and turned to me,my dh and our 3 boys and said and i kid yous not " oh hen what a bloody shame you've had another son you must be gutted,you obviously just cant do the girls eh".I was so angry and upset that somebody could say such a utterly disgusting thing as we were over the moon that we had another ds.And for the record dd was a complete and utter surprise we certainly were not trying for another but now shes here we obviously wouldn't change her for the world but she is a lot harder than the boys ever were at her age.

Curlybrunette · 26/09/2010 21:57

Stillfrazzled - I am with you 10000% I am mum to 2ds's and worry so much that they might meet so bitch of a girl that hates me on sight. Quite why I don't know cos I love my mil to bits (and so does dbil's wife) so I should think it's about the mum, not the type of girl....

I had a comment from my uncle the day I brought ds2 home, at 1 day old, me pumping full of hormones and he announces loudly in front of everyone "oh well, maybe you'll be able to get a girl next time" WTF. Why could anyone think that could ever be a helpful thing to say.

x

BonniePrinceBilly · 26/09/2010 22:07

I have 3 boys. Only a few hours after ds3 was born, a hospital worker said to me "aww, you poor thing, I bet you were dying for a girl". Angry
I says to her, "yeah I really was, you wouldn't run into the next room and swap him for the girl in there would you?"

You should have seen the silly bitch hightail it out of there.Wink Say whatever you like to the insensitive fools.

Kewcumber · 26/09/2010 22:11

a sweet smile and "I'm sure you wouldn't be asking such a silly question if you were aware of my miscarriages" should do the trick.

thefirstmrsDeVere · 26/09/2010 22:25

Try being pg with DS4 after losing a girl ( I know that is put badly, I dont want anyone to try anything of the sort).

I have had people have tears in their eyes for me when they asked what DC5 was going to be. They did it with DC4 as well.

I know they meant well but did they really think having another girl would make everything ok?

I would like another girl for far more shallow reasons. I like girls clothes more than boys Grin

My boys are bloody fab and if I had another he would be fab too.

Kewcumber · 26/09/2010 22:28

MrsDV - have you tried punching people? I feel it would be the solution to many of your problems on these kind of occasions.

mitochondria · 26/09/2010 22:30

Yup, it seems sometimes that the only acceptable thing is to have one of each then stop.

If you have no children, people comment.
If you have an only, people comment.

If you have two the same gender "are you going to try for the other?".

If you have more than two "oooh, you've got your hands full".

I had some random old lady peer into the pram at gorgeous newborn son 2 and tell me "You must be so disappointed".

People are stupid. Take no notice.

thefirstmrsDeVere · 26/09/2010 22:35

Grin @ kew.

I do a lot of fantasy punching. I have perfected a rather good withering look. Although if someone is stupid enough to say/do the stuff they say/do to me, they are unlikely to notice.

So, yes, a punch would be more affective Grin

cloudydays · 26/09/2010 22:43

I think your response is perfect. Even just the second sentence would shut them up and hopefully make them think twice about what they're saying.

I think two boys sound fabulous - hopefully they'll be great friends and each love having a brother to grow up with.

That said, I think there is a tendency for people to assume everyone wants / should want one of each, but I don't believe that there's a big cultural persecution of little boys going on, which is what you'd think if you read all of the recent threads on gender.

It's revolting the way people "defend" their lovely little boys by attacking other people's lovely little girls. Little girls are not all Lelli Kelly and Barbie, FFS . They're actually people, with individual personalities and interests and quirks all their own. Just like boys.

VirginonRidiculous · 26/09/2010 22:52

I've been told with impending DC3 to 'Pray for a girl this time' Shock. It was my father so I put him in his place straight away.

People [sceptical]

butterscotch · 26/09/2010 23:10

We knew we were having a girl with dc1 but with dc2 inconclusive scan baby was crossed legged and breach they couldn't tell roll on her being born another dd ....
After scan when we called IL's the first thing MIL said (sonographer had said looks lien a girl but if you buy pink keep receipts) was ohhhh your have to have a third to try for a boy (she is mother of two boys)
Sadly went on holiday this week with them they are paying but they don't give dd2 (5moths) a's much attention a's dd1 I suspect precious first or. Grandchild and the fact that dd2 is a girl n not a boy jve already had comments that we should try again? WTF I was sick 7-8 times day for the first 16 weeks then everycouple of days till 36 weeks then ms returned with avengence!!!!!
However still get comments fromIL's about having another DC luckily my DH agrees no more and I'm in the process of being tuped to a new co that the mat policy is statory so even if we wanted we couldn't afford to!
I feel blessed to have two healthy children having fronds that have been trying n no success n failed IVF several times and others thY are sti trying k feel truly blessed stoooollpid comments really piss me off xxx

AddictedToRadley · 27/09/2010 10:49

My mum had to endure all sorts when she'd had us. Mum & dad always said they would ideally love 4 girls if they could choose. They had DD1 (who passed away aged 20 months), 1xMC, then DD2 & DD3 (me!) so as far as they were concerned they'd got their dream wish even though 2 were 'flowers only lent'. Anyway you should have heard the comments mum & dad said they got, some examples;

To my mum from her MIL;

  • After birth of DD2 'Oh that's handy you've had a girl. Now you can call her DD1's name!' She seriously thought mum was going to call DD2 after dead DD1! In my Nanna's defence though she was named after her dead sister (4 girls before her died so she was 5th one with that name) but that's what was normal when she was born NOT in the '70's.
  • After DD3 (me) was born. Oh that's so sad you've had a 2nd girl (DD1 was supposed to be forgotten about!!) I know xyz around the corner has just had her 2nd boy why don't you swap? That may have been funny if a) mum wasn't hormonal and b) my nanna wasn't deadly serious! She thought it was a wonderful idea to swap babies and was quite offended that mum wasn't grateful for the suggestion and didn't go ahead with it!!

Another example of people saying the wrong things;

  • Mum was in town shopping with my sister aged about 2 1/2 years and me about 6 months when a stranger went up to my mum and said 'How lovely, one of each' Mum corrected her by telling her we were both girls and that's why we were both wearing pink frilly dresses! She then asked mum if she was sure (WTF) because I was far too bonny to be a girl as girls are ugly babies!!!!!

Another one for my nanna (very very old fashioned matriarch type who ruled the roost with an iron rod)
When I was born on my sister's 2nd birthday she was delighted as she'd only have to buy one card and one present between us!! My dad turned round and said as we were 2 seperate children she either bought for both or not at all. She was very put out and didn't see why we couldnt share and take it in turns who opened the card and present each year!!! She did however buy seperate (begrudgingly!).

It made me laugh when I was pregnant and people asked what DH and I wanted, DH would always reply a baby! The next thing they always said was I don't suppose you mind what sex as long as it's healthy. My, very hormonal, reply would be 'I HOPE it's healthy but that wouldn't stop me loving it!'. That phrase wound me up when I was pregnant as it was like saying 'I don't mind the sex as long as it's healthy but wouldn't love an unhealthy baby'. Before I get slated, I know I was being unreasonable but in my defence I was extremely hormonal and delighted to be having a DC after being told I'd never concieve.

Some people can be so insensitive though. I hope all goes well with your pregnancy and you have a happy healthy baby.

BuntyPenfold · 27/09/2010 10:59

My mum had 4 girls, and said often to us that she only wanted boys Sad

Her friend had 6 boys, always hoping for a little girl.

I remember worrying that they might swap us.

These things were said quite openly in our presence, and I was glad I never had a brother as some girls I knew at school definately had to wait on and pander to theirs.

Whitethorn · 27/09/2010 12:31

I find this attitude baffling, lots of mums on this site seem to be writing off half the population. Of course a mix is nice but given what other parents are going through, I want a healthy baby - FULL STOP.