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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Should I provide ex with uniform?

35 replies

proudmum70 · 26/09/2010 16:36

My ex pays me an amount worked out by the CSA.

The other dayshe demanded me to ensure our son hs a school uniform in his bag. Normally he has our son every other weekend - he would get him picked up from school - therfore in uniform. The other day it was a non-uniform day and therefore on the Monday had to take him to school. He had a right go at me for not giving him his school uniform. Is that reasonable?

What happens when it comes to school trips - should I ask for half the money? The £200 a month helps but does not go near covering everything, but I don't know how I am going to pay for all those trips coming up as he gets older.

OP posts:
BrightLightBrightLight · 26/09/2010 16:41

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mumof2children · 26/09/2010 16:42

i would send him with his uniform tbh, and adress the school fees as a seperate issue

serenity · 26/09/2010 16:44

I would say that as he doesn't usually need to have a set of uniform (I presume he just washes the set your DS goes over wearing) then in that particular circumstance, yes you should have sent him with Mondays uniform packed in his bag. It would be unreasonable to expect him to go out and buy a new set just because it was a non-uniform day on the Friday.

With regard to the money for trips, I don't think yabu to ask, and if he's halfway decent he shouldn't have a problem with paying, but I don't know if it's something you can insist on.
If he does refuse and you find you can't fund them, try approaching the school - most trips should be asking for voluntary contributions, and the school can cover a few people not being able to contribute (not sure if this covers residential ones, my DCs have had to miss these because I can't afford them)

HTH

ChasingSquirrels · 26/09/2010 16:44

what did you expect your son to go to school in on the Monday morning?

trips etc - separate issue (and I have no idea).

pleasechange · 26/09/2010 16:46

It would seem silly for the dad to have a second uniform at this house, that would barely be worn before grown out of, just in case there is a non-uniform day on a Friday. If he usually gets the child on a Friday in his uniform, then really see no need for him to have an extra set.

Chil1234 · 26/09/2010 16:46

If you're serious about getting extra money to help with additional costs like trips then you have to find a way to get along better with your ex. The CSA-calculated amount is technically all they are liable to hand over. Anything extra you'll have to negotiate - and that's when it pays to be on friendlier terms than words like 'demanded' suggest at the moment.

On the specific issue... if the child had to be at school on Monday in uniform then, ideally, you should have thought ahead and packed one for him to take along on Friday.

shocknews · 26/09/2010 16:48

Sorry, the child needs to be sent with clothes appropriate for the activities expected to be undertaken, eg school !!!!!!

Every sympathy with your ex who had to take his son to school with no uniform.

With regards money for trips etc, that is separate to essentials, surely !

As a stepmum, I do understand the complications & frustration with the CSA who are completely incompetent, BUT your son has got to come first and you've got to work WITH your ex to ensure that.

veritythebrave · 26/09/2010 16:48

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Message withdrawn at poster's request.

HappyMummyOfOne · 26/09/2010 16:49

Of course you should provide uniform.

If you are getting child benefit, poss tax credits and £200 maintainance then you have more than enough to pay for a childs food, clothes and trips without asking for extra.

Original poster
proudmum70 · 26/09/2010 16:52

What I should have added was my ex said he was going to get a uniform sorted, and on this occasion I did pack the shirt & jumper - so all my ex had to do was supply a pair of black trousers and shoes.

I thought it was normal for the other parent to have a uniform at theirs?

Oh, and to those who say be on friendlier terms and discuss this, see my other post...God I have tried to communicate with my ex but he is being very aggresive, it's all about point scoring.

OP posts:
shocknews · 26/09/2010 16:55

HappyMummyOfOne I have to agree with you there !! As a stepmum I see how much my DH pays to his ex for his sons, but also see how little she actually spends on them from it ! In previous years, despite her being in a decent job and having a partner and council house, being on goodness knows what benefits etc, we still ended up buying new school shirts as the others were embarrassingly yellow and soiled and school shoes as the others were about 3 sizes too big ! GGRRRRRR ..... thank goodness we're not all the same hey !

SloanyPony · 26/09/2010 17:00

You should have provided a uniform for him to go to school on the Monday with - though to be fair your ex had all weekend to contact you and point out that he didn't have one, which should have been obvious the minute he picked him up - (presumably he usually has to was and process the one he wore on the Friday so should have noticed the lack of this tedious chore, even if you didn't quite think ahead to the predicament)

Regarding school trips - depends a bit how much he gives you, how much you have, etc but in essence I dont see why not.

BrightLightBrightLight · 26/09/2010 17:01

This reply has been deleted

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Original poster
proudmum70 · 26/09/2010 17:02

Oh, I pay out >£500 a month on rent (lost house cos ex spent >£100,000 and ran away, then I had to get a loan to sort out HIS mess), I pay out >£200 a month on child care), £150 a month on this loan....then the incomings leaves me with £100 per week for food, clothes, council tax, electricity, car tax, insurance petrol to get to work etc...yeah I am loaded ....NOT

OP posts:
HappyMummyOfOne · 26/09/2010 17:09

You would still have to pat rent, loans, council tax, car things etc whether you had a child or not so dont get that argument.

If you are paying £200 child care, that matches the £200 your ex pays so you both contribute equal plus you'll also get the child relates benefits so more than enough to cover a single childs expenses.

Expecting an ex to buy shoes because you didnt send any is petty.

Original poster
proudmum70 · 26/09/2010 17:13

So it's petty is it....yet he can walk away from his son and leave us homeless after spending more thn £100,000 and leave us to pick up the pieces, whilst he declares himself bankrupt.

OP posts:
stressheaderic · 26/09/2010 17:14

No-one is saying whether you are loaded or not. The issue is that the uniform was not available for Monday morning, and this responsibility falls to you I'm afraid, so YABU there.

There is clearly a lot of resentment towards your ex but don't let if interrupt your DS' life by quibbling over his uniform - what happened, did he go in in his own clothes, or stay off on the Monday?

VinegarTits · 26/09/2010 17:21

yabu you should have sent his uniform

the best way you can get back at your ex is to make sure your son wants for nothing, despite him, that includes uniform

so what if he hasnt sorted uniform, that make him a slack parents, doesnt mean you have to be, why should your son suffer because you despise your ex?

Original poster
proudmum70 · 26/09/2010 17:23

I assumed as he said he'd get a uniform, then he'd done it....all he needed were black trousers/shoes...I made the decision to put a jumper and top in his bag and thought it reasonable to expect his Dad to have black trousers and shoes at his house (if he goes to his Dad's midweek and gets the unform torn or dirty, should he not have a spare for next day - I would).

If you think I am being unreasonable, seriously, read my other post. One thing I am not is unreasonable, sometimes I think I have been to damn soft.

OP posts:
mayorquimby · 26/09/2010 17:26

"What I should have added was my ex said he was going to get a uniform sorted, and on this occasion I did pack the shirt & jumper - so all my ex had to do was supply a pair of black trousers and shoes."
"So it's petty is it....yet he can walk away from his son and leave us homeless after spending more thn £100,000 and leave us to pick up the pieces, whilst he declares himself bankrupt."

top top drip-feeding there and flouncing when the thread has not turned out how you hoped.

KiwiKat · 26/09/2010 17:26

I agree that you YABU - just because he's behaved badly in the past doesn't justify you behaving badly too. Rise above it and act as the grownup in this situation.

DurhamDurham · 26/09/2010 17:34

You mentioned it has descended into point scoring and this is exactly what this is. I think you did it to make a point, you knew there would be no uniform for your child at your ex's place. The only one to suffer for this pettiness is your son.
You have justified reasons to dislike your ex but making a point via your son is out of order.

mumof2children · 26/09/2010 17:37

i would look at it from your child pov.

i wonder how many kids asked him why he didn't have his school clothes on

RumourOfAHurricane · 26/09/2010 17:40

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DurhamDurham · 26/09/2010 17:42

Your son might not get to go on all his schhol trips but that's life. I'm married, we both work and our two have had to miss out on various trips/activities due to the cost.

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