or is my friend? (long sorry)

[ArseOverTit]

I honestly don't know but I need to know if IBU as I am having a conversation with my friend tonight and I have a tendancy to apologise and take the blame even when I'm not in the wrong.

I am getting married next year and have three bridesmaids (we'll call them A, B, and C).

A = friend from school, still in my home town, DD same age as mine, we are very close and have been since the age of 11

B = also friend from school but we went to uni together and because very close then. She has always taken on the 'important friend' role i.e. she is my DDs godmother, organised my baby shower etc.

C= Friend from work who I also lived with for a few years, have known her 7 years. Amazing friend who really looked after me during some tough times. She is also the only unmarried and single one. I have an inkling that B doesn't like C, although she has never actually said this. B did, however, tell me when I first got engaged that she thought her and C would fall out over my hen do planning as they have very different ideas. This has stressed me out a bit as I don't want warring bridesmaids.

SO anyway I was initally going to ask C to be head bridesmaid but I didn't as I knew B would be upset. I am probably quite protective of her, and hate upsetting B because she has had to deal with a lot of shit, still does, and hasn't been very well (being vague on purpose). So I tried to keep it all equal.

My dad has been crap towards me for a long time and this has really come to the forefront since getting engaged. I've been really upset over him doing the whole traditional father role, and after him telling me 'I don't know what I'd say about you in a speech' I have decided to stop worrying about it and to not involve him in that way. I'm very hurt by this (there is obv a lot of other back story to this, too long to go into).

I decided I want C to take the HB role and to do a speech instead of my father, and to sit at the table with me. She is used to public speaking and is great at it. It also means a lot to me to involve her in that way as I know she would have loved to be DDs godmother and I wanted to do something special for her now.

On Thursday I emailed the other two explaining about my dad (they already knew the situation) and saying I had asked C to take on the HB role. Said they are all my best friends, I love them equally, but I really want C in that role on the day for extra support. I also said she'll take the lead on the hen do but that I want them all to plan it together.

I must admit, it didn't cross my mind it was bad to send this by email, I was quite upset and just wanted to let them know. I received a reply by A saying she thought it was a good idea as C would be fab, and she totally understands. She thinks the email was fine as it wasn't a huge deal.

I've heard nothing from B. I didn't really realise until the next day when I realise she hadn't replied to that or a couple of other texts and also messages I'd posted in reply to things on FB, although she had replied to other people on there. So I called and left a message for her to call me. Nothing.

I've sent other friendly and normal texts and messages and still nothing. I don't think I'm in the wrong so didnt want to chase her, but last night after crying to DP for ages I emailed her again. I said at the beginning I was emailing as I am no good on the phone when upset and wanted to make sure it came out right. Also, it's because she hasn't responded to my phone calls or texts. I just basically said how upset I am that she can behave this way and that I don't understand why being my bridesmaid and DDs godmother isn't enough for her.

She messaged me this morning saying we should speak on the phone later (I'm at work at mo) as email is not proper communication.

Fine, I do understand her point about email. I wanted to let her know how I feel as I am so hurt by being ignored by one of my best friends.

As an aside (and not only because of this issue), DP and I have decided to see if we can get our venue deposit back and sow e can get married on holiday. None of this seems worth the hassle or stupid amounts of money any more.

So AIBU for being angry at being completely ignored over this, or is friend B justified in behaving this way. Be gentle, I'm at work and very upset. FWIW I do know how childish this all seems!

I think you are making a much bigger deal of ALL of this than you need to. Firstly by making the chief bridesmaid role such a big deal and then by emailing everyone your explanations (not necessary - just ask someone to do a speech and leave it at that), and then by deciding to change your wedding completely just because you are dealing with the fall out of creating a silly situation.

None of this is worth the hassle. If you genuinely want to get married on holiday then do, but don't make other people the cause of it.

Your friend has behaved childishly but then this is a bit of a childish situation (not just your wedding but the whole choosing favourite friends that bridesmaids/chief bm causes). You'll get over it and so will she, and when you have been married for 6 months you will wonder what on earth you got so wound up about

I think you need to meet up and talk to B, or talk to her on the phone before you make any decisions about getting your deposit back.

Thanks TPL I know you are right.

The changing the wedding isn't really because of this, it's just made me take my head out of the clouds and realise how stressful the whole thing is and how we are practically bankrupting ourselves to do it. The costs have spiralled and I wish we had just gone with our instincts to begin with (we didn't because we were worried that people with children wouldn't be able to afford to come and we want the people we love there)

But the HB thing, that's why I didn't have one to begin with. You are right, I should have just said C is doing a speech, but why does it have to be a big deal? Surely we are all adult enough for me to be able to have a friend in that role without it being a case of favourites?

I agree with everything that TheProvincialLady has just said

I agree with duelingfanjo, try to stay calm and see what she has to say when you speak to her. You've got yourself quite worked up about this which is not going to help you think rationally.

OK - so IABU then? What do I say to friend to sort this out. Should I apologise?

I never stick up for myself and just for once I feel like I should! It was the very fact that B was telling me she wasn't going to be able to get on with the others that made me want someone to 'take charge' anyway. All I want is for people to get on with each other FFS :(

Marjee I am worked up, more because this has all been sparked by the situation with my father, who it is becoming apparent couldn't give a shit about me or my DD (that hurts more).

Before all this silly wedding stuff I had my head nicely in the sand about it all.

That sounded quite harsh and it wasn't supposed to, sorry! I do understand having been in exactly the same situation with my "d" father.

What I meant is that weddings really do bring out the worst in people and things that are normally minor niggles become major stresses when you are planning a wedding! Your friend may be being unreasonable but you need to wait and see what she has to say for herself. Remember that bridesmaids should be helping you not causing more stress (mine were exactly the same and I could happily have throttled them both by the time the big day arrived). I hope you manage to get things sorted, don't apologise to her, just listen to what she has to say and explain why you've planned it this way.

Maybe you should start a thread in relationships about your dad? I'm sure you would get some good advice.

I would try and forget about the friend problem as much as possible. Maybe apologise for making a bigger thing of the roles than necessary but don't grovel. And don't give anyone else the chance to boss you OR anyone else about. Just organise a meal for your hen night etc and no one can argue with that. I often think that handing over these jobs to someone else is a recipe for disaster.

I hear what you are saying about spiralling costs. No wedding is worth getting yourself into debt over. Scale it all back - emotionally as well as financially - and just Get Married. That is what it is all about, after all. The rest is just silly pressure from marketing. People want to make money out of you, so they invent essentials.

I actually don't think YABU. My wedding was a big deal to me and my bridesmaids also had issues with each other at the time, i basically decided that wasn't my problem and I wasn't going to intervene with their spats. If they were as good friends as I hoped they were they would sort it out. They did, and it was fine. It's YOUR wedding, and you get to decide who takes what role. Don't justify, apologise or explain anything. Just tell her how much you love her and how happy you are she's sharing your big day.If she questions your decisions just politely but firmly say, I'm sorry you feel that way but that's my decision, I hope you will still be part of the celebration as it means a lot for you to be there. Don't give any ground tho!! Changing who does the speech etc now would be a disaster - you CANNOT give her a 'bigger' role cos she's been a mardy moo. How would the others feel then? We don't reward our DC's when they have a strop do we? Treat your BM's the same. If they behave nicely they will have a nice time :)

What other people do/say/wear/give you/spend etc is NONE of her business. So please don't make it an issue yourself - for once in your life, this day IS about you. You just don't have to be an arse about that fact, but accept it is true. She can bloody well get on with it. Ultimately, if you turn up, your DP turns up and your DD is there the rest will fade away. This is about your family, the trimmings just make it a bit more fun - if she isn't being fun, leave her to stew until she realises that she should pull the bug out of her bum and join in.

Good luck!!

thanks nina I don't want it to be all about me, I wanted it to be a day to show everyone we love a great time and to celebrate our relationship but it doesn't seem to be going that way at the moment!

I hope it settles down as it would be lovely to just enjoy the planning and relish the chance to indulge in things like choosing shoes, pampering ourselves on a hen do etc. Doesn't happen much these days.

I would never treat a friend the same way if I was disappointed (and there have been plenty of times I have been). I would be worried about looking silly!

I think you just need to say to B that you want her to try to be mature and not get jealous of other people because it's not a competition it's your wedding and you really don't want anyone to spoil it by feuding at the sidelines as you already have enough on your plate with the whole dad thing.

Then if B still wants to make a big issue out of her dislike of C then tell her to stop being so childish and please just make an efforet to get things running smoothly.

I wish we'd got married abroad, we didn't because we wanted to include and make it a special day for people it turned out didn't give a shit about making it special for us.
£20k we spent and my memories are of crying outside the venue because of my parents behavior.

I hear Mexico is lovely.

mama :( that is so sad and I am worried we are heading the same way. We were thinking of Italy actually...

DF you are right. I'm going to hear her out and why she is so upset, and then try to get things running smoothly. It isn't a competition and I hate it coming over like a popularity contest. I am regretting the initial email now as it probably did make a bigger deal of it than I realised, but it didn't even cross my mind. I just wanted to let them know, more so so they would know my dad wasn't going to be involved as they knew how upset i have been over it.

And if we do change the wedding, I'm going to wait a while as I don't want to add fuel to the fire by B thinking it is down to her. It's not, but it's helped me and DP really think about what we are doing.

Is it possible that the lack of communication from B has nothing to do with you and something in her life has just gone belly-up? (You mentioned "because she has had to deal with a lot of shit, still does, and hasn't been very well" in your OP.)

"She messaged me this morning saying we should speak on the phone later (I'm at work at mo) as email is not proper communication."

That could just mean she has something to say that she would struggle to put in an e-mail, rather than criticising your use of e-mail. Which was fine, by the way, you were wanting to relay information to more than one person at the same time.

YANBU

Hope it sorts itself but but FFS B should really back off!

Meet up, explain you weren't trying to hurt anyone...have a cry and hug.

WYLI I don't think so as she was continuously updating her FB status with fairly trivial and funny things, and having converstions with other people on there. Just not responding to me when I replied.

Yes, FB is the work of the devil, I know.

Fair enough Dandy I didn't want it to be like that. It never occured to me it was that much of a big deal. And FWIW 'A' was completely fine with it. But with hindsight, it was the wrong way to go about it. I didn't realise I had to justify anything though. I thought friendships ran deeper than petty politics to be honest. I had asked C to do the speech etc and she wanted to contact the other two to start organising the hen do. I wanted to let them know before she got in touch. I fucked up.

And I DID want to discuss it over the phone, but she has not picked up or returned my calls or voicemails. I was just going to leave it but I hate being in limbo and having this situation with a friend. I hate confrontation or upsetting people and that's what's got me into this mess in the first place.

I don't think YABU as such, but I think you've made more of a deal about this head bridesmaid business than you needed to. If you had totally downplayed the role, or split the responsibilities between the three (ie, one is the first down the aisle, one does a speech, one organises the hen night) there would've been no issue at all. That said, if you were sure you wanted the one you have chosen as HB, I think, knowing you may upset one of the others, you have gone about it in a bit of a daft way. If you'd discussed it with B before appointing C (and by discuss I don't mean seek approval btw, just so it isn't sprung on her), and you'd let B know your reasons face to face, that would've likely ensured that any reaction she had would've been minimal. I don't think you were wrong per se with how you've designated the role (though email is quite impersonal and never helps with things like this) but I do think you could and should be sensitive if people don't get along. Yes, it's your wedding, but there's still no point in upsetting anyone (I realise you weren't trying to, btw).

If you want to settle this, I would apologise to B for emailing her the arrangements, tell her you're sorry you didn't have time to discuss it face to face but in your mind, you just wanted everyone to know as soon as possible what they needed to do for the wedding. Also say sorry that she's upset, but reiterate the arrangements as you have decided them, don't let her upset dictate a change in plans. I don't think she's treated you badly over this, I think she's likely just upset and hasn't contacted you because she wanted to calm down. Don't go into this thinking she's being childish, you won't end up with a good resolution or a high opinion of your friend.

You will never be able to force a relationship between these two friends if they don't like each other, nor should you, but you should be able to expect that they can be civil to each other for your sake. I see no evidence that they haven't been civil tbh. You need to nip this in the bud right now though, you are the only person in this who can stop it becoming an even bigger deal than it already is. In your situation, I would probably take all three bridesmaids out for a meal (lunch or something, nothing huge) to talk about the hen night. This is a nice gesture and would make them all feel involved.

I hope you have a nice wedding. :)

Sorry to be harsh but just read this back to yourself:

"Said they are all my best friends, I love them equally, but I really want C in that role on the day for extra support. I also said she'll take the lead on the hen do but that I want them all to plan it together."

I can't even really put into words the feeling reading that gives me . . . are you paying them or something? It sounds like you are talking to employees.

Why can't you plan your own hen night?
Why do you need a lead bridesmaid?

I just . . . < splutters incoherently >

Thanks tainted I am already taking them all out for lunch in a few weeks so hopefully things will be OK by then.

I know I have gone about it the wrong way and I will admit it, I just don't think ignoring my calls and attempts to sort it out was very fair when it was obvious I wasn't being malicious.

But this is the beauty of MN - instead of going into the conversation thinking I'm firmly in the right I'm able to see her side of things as well. It's just not worth damaging a friendship over.