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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be annoyed with SIL and Childminder??

95 replies

luckoftheirish · 25/09/2010 14:10

We have been invited to a wedding nxt weekend.. asked months ago one of dh's very good friends.. agreed that i would go..

Asked the cm if she could look after the dcs. no problem.. noticed on fb about a month ago that a friend was having her 30th on the same day and that my sil had accepted the invited.. reconfirmed with the cm that i definitely had her booked so that if sil asked her she would say that she was already busy... (sil has just started using the same cm as me)

got text from sil this am asking if it would be all right for her and bil to stay over at my house nxt sat so that cm could babysit for them as well as my two..

i asked sil if the cm had agreed to this and apparently she said that would be ok..

now that would mean that i would have the cm/bil/sil/nephew all staying at my house when i am not even there!!! Also if the cm agreed to look after my two why didn't she tell sil that she was already tied up??

OP posts:

needafootmassage · 26/09/2010 07:59

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster

luckoftheirish · 26/09/2010 08:15

nafm, yes sil is just provisionally asking at this stage but i reread her messages to me and the cm has already agreed to it!! So i think they think it is a done deal iykwim... trouble with saying no straight out to sil is that i haven't got the full facts of what took place between her and cm and i don't want to rock the boat with family involved!!!

OP posts:

diddl · 26/09/2010 08:31

It is tricky when it´s family isn´t it?

Although I do think SIL should have asked OP first as she is wanting to stay in the house-it´s not just a question of sharing cm for a couple of hours.

And because she has manipulated it by asking cm first, I´d say no.

I think it´s fair enough to say you don´t want so many in your house without you there.

TBH, I wouldn´t be keen on having a couple of pissheads stumbling in at goodness knows what time.

Original poster

luckoftheirish · 26/09/2010 11:46

casually texted the cm to find out what was going on, she was under the impression that sil had already asked me and thats why she agreed to it...

what a flippin mess its rightly doing my head in now

OP posts:

diddl · 26/09/2010 12:16

It doesn´t really matter about the cm though-it´s your house & you are either OK with them staying over without you there or not.

Original poster

luckoftheirish · 26/09/2010 12:29

didl just wanted to find out how the cm/babysitter agreed to it.. i mean i had booked her but it seems she thought that i had discussed with sil.. cm knows that i have quite a fragile relationship with sil at the best of times so find it bizarre that cm thought i would agree to this!!!

The funny thing was i specifically reminded the babysitter a month ago about nxt weekend because i knew that my sil would want to go to the party!!! babysitter laughed and said "don't worry you have booked and are in my diary!"

thank you for responding to all my ranting posts

OP posts:

diddl · 26/09/2010 12:36

Well that´s what´s odd-you asked her to say no to your SIL didn´t you?

So it could be a case of them both using each other as excuses iyswim.

I guess there´s no way you could find some one else, is there?

Hell, if I was near, I´d do it just so that you didn´t have to bother with those two!

Original poster

luckoftheirish · 26/09/2010 12:44

aw thats so kind .. i think this has call come to ahead if iykwim and need to get this sorted once and for all.. i guess if if i let this one slide the problem is just going to keep continuing!!

thanks for your support

OP posts:

diddl · 26/09/2010 12:47

I suppose there´s no way SIL would agree to having their child looked after whilst they are out & collecting him & going home at the end of the evening?

pointydog · 26/09/2010 12:54

But the cm can agree to mind other children as well. I'm sure she is not obliged to only look after your children for an overnight stay.

It's up to the cm, not you.

diddl · 26/09/2010 12:58

But it´s in OPs house, not cm´s.

pointydog · 26/09/2010 13:00

ahhhhhh, sorry.

Not really up to the cm then.

gtamom · 26/09/2010 13:14

Just say "No, that won't work for us".

zipzap · 26/09/2010 22:32

If your cm only agreed to it because your sil deliberately gave her the idea that you had agreed to it, then it gives you an easy out of it - if you can be brave enough to send the text... (I know it is much easier to write this in a MN post than to do the deed in real life!)

text your sil along the lines of:
1 -if only you had checked with me first - then you would have known that it isn't possible for the cm to look after dn and for bil/sil to stay here as well afterwards.
(this puts onus on sil and shows that her sneaky tactics have been sussed)

2 - I've spoken to cm/bs and she only agreed to it thinking you had already agreed it with me, but I have now told her that it is not possible and she understands she is just going to be looking after my dc and not dn.

(cm had agreed to to this for you long before sil got involved, she is the one that shouldn't have been mixed up in all this and don't try running back to her to get her to change her mind!)

3 - Therefore, this means that you need to get another sitter for dn - have you tried [insert any sitter details here - several people on MN seem to recommend sitters.com if you don't have any others].
(this way you are shown to be nice and supportive by helping her with her predicament)

I think you also need to follow up message with a phone call or texts to make sure that she has got the message and just doesn't turn up on saturday and drop off dn regardless!

what will your dh think - is he happy to send the message to his bro as well or talk to him about it? Or at least OK that you send the messages as being from 'us' rather than just you? (you don't want sil to turn around and say that she had agreed it all with your dh!)

And on a very ceeky and nosey note - did you find out if your SIL was going to pay anything extra to the babysitter or was she just expecting that she would get her childcare on the cheap as you were already paying?

Original poster

luckoftheirish · 27/09/2010 06:42

Thanks all for responding just to give you the final update and i lost!

Wend to dd1 party cm/babysitter {sorry confused everyone on here about that!} and spoke to her..

she appologised for the problem.. showed me the text that sil had sent her and it basically made out that i knew all about it and that it was only up to the babysitter to say yes or no.. she offered to pay sitter for looking after dn for the evening!!!

spoke to dh when he came back from his trip and he was absolutely gutted and fuming over it.. he said just let them get on with it but realises that i would really not feel comfortable with them staying in my house when i am not there particularly when my dds are at home with mum and dad..

so texted both sil and babysitter pulling out the wedding.. sil thinks me and dh are having problems as i didn't want to text her yes/no before speaking to sh so was vague.. was happy to tell me that dn is teething and she is getting flu.. needless to say i didn't respond back..

babysitter said sorry and wished she hadn't responded to text but imo if i had agreed to babysit for someone and someelse in the family asked me to look after more [regardless what was in message} i would have contacted the first people i had agreed to, to make 100% sure its ok.. but that is just me!!!

So sil as far as i am concerned can now leave me well alone, and i will be searching for a new cm/babysitter!!

Once again sorry for v long post, thank you all so much for your comments and support xxx

OP posts:

Original poster

luckoftheirish · 27/09/2010 06:44

sorry that should say without mum and dad!!! tis too early!

OP posts:

diddl · 27/09/2010 09:38

Oh that´s a shame.

TBH-shouldn´t the cm have told SIL that she couldn´t do it & left you out of it?

Original poster

luckoftheirish · 27/09/2010 10:09

Yes! That what i would of done if i was the babysitter!!! Just going to let the two of them get on with.. the cm will soon find out what she has lost when sil starts messing her around and no more money coming from me or free holidays or use of our villa in spain for free... the list goes on and on!!!

OP posts:

diddl · 27/09/2010 10:51

Ooh-you´ve got a villa in Spain??

So is your husband going to wedding alone?

I assume there are no parents to help?

BrightLightBrightLight · 27/09/2010 12:18

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

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