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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

not attending hen do - due to cost and my holiday.

28 replies

hendoodledo · 24/09/2010 21:35

My friend is getting married next year, hen do is in Feb half term and I have booked a week away with friend (we are teachers)and don't get back until Saturday afternoon.

Had a text last week from brides friend to say hen do is that weekend Fri-Sun evening and cost £250. I text to say sorry I couldn't make it as I'm away and could we have a meal one weekend as a mini-hen do thingy. Out of interest I asked her the cost for just the Saturday night - Hen party is in city 3 hours drive away. She came back with the price of £170 for club entry, dinner/breakfast in hotel and hotel room. Bare in mind the petrol will be about £40 too.

I text to apologise that I couldn't make it as DH works weekends and Mum and Dad are away until that Sunday (they are teachers too) and so childcare isn't available for my 2 DD's.

I asked again about arranging a meal/ night out another time on top.

Got a snotty phonecall from brides friend about how I should be making more of an effort and that bride will be devestated and how I can I call myself a friend??

AIBU to think this is over the top as I had booked the holiday first before Hen do dates were organised and had no idea they would chose this weekend as wedding is not until May. I have offered to be the one to organise the second night out as I know my friend would love to celebrate a hen do with me but all brides friend semms to want to do is tell me what a crap friend I am and not accept a solution.

PS bride knows nothing about the hen do arrangements other than the dates.

AIBU not to go and WWYD???

OP posts:
tiredemma · 24/09/2010 21:36

contact bride direct and cut out the moron in the middle

FakePlasticTrees · 24/09/2010 21:38

YANBU - bride's friend is being no friend. Call the bride, say your sorry, but you've already booked to be away that weekend. Hope she has a great time etc.

Pancakeflipper · 24/09/2010 21:43

tell bride you'll take her out for a meal. It will cost a lot less than what they have planned.

Do brides really not consider the cost of their hen night/weekend. It's all about impressing isn't it?

The cost of that is lunacy. And no one will have any fun if that is an example of the attitude of the person organizing it.

You've had a lucky escape. Save your money.

PotteringAlong · 24/09/2010 21:46

Not unreasonable at all - contact bride, explain
and offer a meal out. No one (other than this mental friend) would be upset.

Do a Zammo - just say no!

Oh, and this other friend sounds horrid by the way...

Original poster
hendoodledo · 24/09/2010 21:48

problem is all bride knows is its that weekend she doesn't know its the whole weekend iyswim, and that its in the city 3 hours away. She knows no details. I had to pull out of being brides bridemaid as she wanted to do the fitting on my wedding anniversery and have the whole day - I had morning free but had booked a night away with DH. She was very rude to me about this and about how I should be at her beck and call for her wedding so we agreed that me being bridesmaid wasn't going to work as I have family commitments. I don't want it to look like I'm being awkward its just I have a DH and 2 dd's and all the others are single or have boyfriends this is the 2nd friend to get married. (I do tend to book my holidays very early as being a teacher I have to go during school holidays)

I have said when they get married and have dc's of their own they will understand.

I do want to be involoved in a hen do and really want to organise a second one - should I just go ahead and do it??

OP posts:
PaulineCampbellJones · 24/09/2010 21:49

Her friend sounds like an idiot!
Just take your friend out for a meal/ drink. Am sure you aren't the only one that can't make it.

Habbibu · 24/09/2010 21:50

Bloody hell - yes, contact bride, and ignore crazy phone lady. And £170 for one night?

I just don't get the whole fuss about hen nights. It's just a night out - you're not declaring a life-long commitment to all your female friends, ffs.

Hedgeblunder · 24/09/2010 21:51

Noooo don't! Just take her out on her own- other wise you'll look a bit controlling tbh

TartyMcFarty · 24/09/2010 21:52

If you really want to - bride and friend sound like twats to me. They're probably already sniping about you behind your back and nothing you do will be good enough. Fuck 'em.

BudaisintheZONE · 24/09/2010 21:52

What is all this shite about weekends away costing a fortune for hens/stags? Bloody ridiculous. People go so over the top.

Agree with others. Contact bride direct and explain and take her out for a meal. Or arrange another night with everyone else who won't want to spend so much on a hen weekend. You won't be the only one!

IMoveTheStars · 24/09/2010 21:52

I couldn't go to my SIL's hen night due to cost (it would have been £250 plus travel and new clothes) and I was just honest that I couldn't afford it. She was understandably upset but seemed fine about it.

She was fine at the wedding, but all her friends blanked me, despite me making an effort to talk to them Hmm

YANBU... she is. I hate this trend of making asking friends to spend hundreds of pounds on a night or two away!! Not such a big deal when you're single and childless and can afford it, but to many families £250+ represents a good proportion of an annual holiday.

I can't believe she booked an all day fitting on the day of your anniversary! Jesus.. wtf is it about weddings that turns otherwise sane women into complete bovines!!

DuelingFanjo · 24/09/2010 21:53

"Got a snotty phonecall from brides friend about how I should be making more of an effort and that bride will be devestated and how I can I call myself a friend??"

what a cow.

If you know where they are staying then send flowers or something on the day saying you are sorry you weren't able to come but hope she has a brilliant time and that you hope you can meet up for a meal before the wedding.

PaulineCampbellJones · 24/09/2010 21:53

Second hen sounds like a good plan!

Pancakeflipper · 24/09/2010 21:53

Oh I recall your thread on the dress fitting saga... Amazed they invited you to the hen night after the upset on that one.

Habbibu · 24/09/2010 22:01

Good lord. Tell me you have other, nice, friends, please, or I shall worry about you.

noeyedear · 24/09/2010 22:01

I wouldn't bother arranging another hen- the bride sounds as much of a nightmare as her 'friend'! I've arranged a hen do and it is a pain in the neck to do, but thats just rude!
I'd just take her out for a meal at a more convenient time, unless he's a loony as well! Don't worry, once al the wedding hoo ha has passed, she'll come crashing down to earth and will hopefully be embarassed!

Muser · 24/09/2010 22:19

What is wrong with people? I had friends who couldn't make my hen do. I was sad that they weren't there, but if I found out my friend who organised it had been guilt tripping she would have been read the riot act. Not that my friend would have done that, because she is a normal person and has sense.

I really despair. This is what gives hen dos and weddings a bad name.

Muser · 24/09/2010 22:22

Also, how does a dress fitting take all day? My wedding dress fittings took half an hour, and it was just me & my mum because standing in some woman's front room having pins stuck in you really isn't a social occasion.

My bridesmaid dresses took 45 minutes to choose. Me, 3 bridesmaids, MIL. We went for lunch afterwards and then all went home. Job done. One lived far away so her dress was taken up to her and luckily needed no adjustments. The other two came to the shop for again about half an hour to try and on and adjust. Then I picked them up when they were ready and delivered.

WHAT IS WRONG WITH PEOPLE?

perfumedlife · 24/09/2010 22:28

HmmMaybe if more brides to be booked less OTT hen do 'events' then more friends would join them.

It's a joke. I think I would call the bride and explain and ask if she would like a meal out with any friends who can't make the last hurrah.

I would have nothing more to do with the bride's 'friend'

Bunbaker · 24/09/2010 22:35

I think it's awfully rude to book an expensive hen night/weekend and assume that everyone can afford it money and timewise.

I also don't get this thing about fancy hen dos. I didn't even have a hen night, it never occurred to me to have one.

itsybitsy08 · 24/09/2010 23:24

YANBU.
When my friend had her hen do a spa was booked but it was £££s. She was very understanding that some would not be able to make it and also organsied a night out in newcastle which is a good halfway mark between where we all live for the week after so no one would feel left out. Nice compromise i thought and she got two dos into the bargin!

Armi · 24/09/2010 23:32

I wouldn't go. I never do go to hen 'dos' and I vetoed my own when I was getting married. It's too much to expect people to fork out hundreds of pounds for a night out/weekend and then expect them to fork out even more for the wedding, with accommodation, clothing, presents, drinks etc.

The strength of your affection for the bride can't and shouldn't be measured in the amount of cash you're prepared to fork out for her hen do.

Bunbaker · 24/09/2010 23:47

"The strength of your affection for the bride can't and shouldn't be measured in the amount of cash you're prepared to fork out for her hen do."

Well said. I couldn't have put it better myself.

doublequack · 24/09/2010 23:51

Apparently I am the biggest bridezilla in the world and I wouldnt expect you to go!

mumbar · 25/09/2010 07:49

WOW a thread with unnanomous agreement Grin

YANBU, Its a lot of money for a weekend and I'm sure after being away you'll have unpacking to do etc before the term starts again. Its a long way to drive for 1 night and tbh you'll not be able to get really drunk and relax with a mammoth drive home the next day!!!

I remeber the thread about the dresses too - wasn't it the one where she asked for the morning, wouldn't change it even though it was your anniversery and so you agreed, booked DD optition and your optition for afternoon and night out with DH?? She then decided the night before she wanted an all day shoppiong trip and was really mad at you for having arrangements??

I'd cut your losses and if bride makes a big deal about the hen do absence personally I would be telling her I'm not going to the wedding either.

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