Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 3 4

Original poster

to insist my son spends his birthday money on replacement PE kit

88 replies

Snorbs · 24/09/2010 12:52

My DS has managed to lose his entire PE kit from secondary school. It appears that he didn't bother to put it in his school locker as he was supposed to, he just left it on top of the row of lockers. And I only found out about it, by chance, a week after it went missing. That means he lost it all within a mere two weeks of starting at secondary school(!)

Coincidentally he's just had his birthday and got £70 in birthday money. It will cost at least that to replace everything.

So, WIBU to insist he spends his birthday money on replacing the kit? We don't have much spare cash at the moment so if I financed the replacement kit myself then it will mean tightened belts for the next couple of months.

I'm so pissed off that he was a) so careless in the first place, b) that he tried to conceal it from me, and c) has only started trying to find it now I've got on his case about it I thought he was smarter than that.

OP posts:

CheeseandGherkins · 24/09/2010 12:54

£70 for a pe kit?

Flisspaps · 24/09/2010 12:54

Could you afford to go halves with him?

I assume he's only 11 but that way he still has some 'fun' money yet learns that being careless, not following instructions and not telling the truth has consequences?

NordicPrincess · 24/09/2010 12:55

where does your son go to school? just buy him bits that look similar somewhere cheap, if the school dont like it apply for funding to help replace it. its unfair to use your sons bday money to pay for his kit

Skyrg · 24/09/2010 12:56

YANBU to be angry, but I think it is unreasonable to take all his money...
Maybe get him to use half of it to buy new kit?
He probably tried to conceal it from you because he was worried about this exact reaction. As for putting it on top of the lockers, he's probably not the only one who does that.

Did you label it? Can you go up to the school to look for it?

Tootlesmummy · 24/09/2010 12:56

I think it would depend if he was usually reliable and careful with his things.

If he has a history of similar things then I'd say make him help pay but if not I'd probably cover the cost this time.

pagwatch · 24/09/2010 12:57

FWIW I would make him pay part or all.
I agree with you,thethoughtless thing ofthrowing it on top of the lockers is one issue. Butthen covering it up and particularly making no attempt to find it until you pushed him , is irresponsible.
He need to value his possessions and he won't if you just relace them
Take a contribution. Take him withyou to buy it so as you add on each extra item the amounts invoved, and the accompanying loss to him, will be very real.
Link the two to really make him understand that when you are this idle then this is the effect/consequnce.

But don't forget , even the nicest, most rational teenager has a terrible attitude to stuffthey don't persoannly care about. It isn't deliberate but the consequnce is not obvious to them. That is why we have to hit them over the head to make them understand

pjmama · 24/09/2010 12:59

I'd go with half. Hard lesson, but he'll take better care of it next time.

LilyBolero · 24/09/2010 13:01

Get him to pay half now, to replace it. Then tell him he can earn his money back by doing jobs for you - washing the car, hoovering, but extra things on top of his usual chores.

junkcollector · 24/09/2010 13:04

Awh. Go a bit easy on him he's just started at big school! But then I'm a big pushover softie.

junkcollector · 24/09/2010 13:05

Still make him pay half though...

BuntyPenfold · 24/09/2010 13:06

My SS 'loses' his kit so as not to do PE.
It is all very pricey with the school logo.

However, when we explained to school that he 'loses' it on purpose very frequently, they said 'Well, send him in any old thing, but with a note.'

I think that is pretty reasonable.

3littlefrogs · 24/09/2010 13:06

Most kids are not prepared for the amount of theft that goes on in secondary school.

Lancelottie · 24/09/2010 13:06

But has he actually discovered the lost property mountain box yet, and looked in it? I'd hold off a good while before replacing it.

hatwoman · 24/09/2010 13:08

difficult to back down - even to half, if you've already said it. you could may be back down discretely. make him pay but then offer him the chance to earn back half of it.

I absolutely agree that they need consequences that actually have an impact on them in order to get them to modify their behaviour. so the principle is right - and rreflects real life - losing stuff costs money.

mumeeee · 24/09/2010 13:10

Has he asked the PE teacher if they've found it. Wehn DD lost any of her PE stuff the PE teacher usually found it and just locked it away for her, She's Dyspraxic and not very organised!.
I would make him pay some of it but tell him to look in the loat property and talk to the PE teacher first.

mumblechum · 24/09/2010 13:11

Before replacing anything, you need to make arrangements with the school to go and look through lost property.

I spent much of Yr7 rootling around in a fetid mountain at school, but found quite a few of his things.

What needs replacing, buy cheaply, ie navy or white shorts are dirt cheap from Asda, buy the cheapest possible trainers etc.

GetOrfMoiLand · 24/09/2010 13:13

Have to tried to ring the school abd complain? They may have it in lost property, and if not may have second hand kit which they can sell you.

I would say go halves. He needs to learn not to sling his kit on top of lockers.

elliephant · 24/09/2010 13:16

Would make him pay all of it if he is usually careless( mean mommy face). Especially if money is tight. Although I know I would relent and give him back half of it maybe at Christmas if I could afford it afford it and if I felt lesson had been learnt.

I am so fed up of lost jumpers, coats - DS lost 4 in two terms - stationery etc. Also get calls home to drop in lunches, glasses and books that have been forgotten. At some stage we as parents have to throw them to the wolves gently cut the apron strings in the fight against flakiness.

However, has he checked lost property? Better still have you checked lost property as ime kids don't recognised their stuff even if their name is embroidered on the front in 10ft high neon letters. Three of DS's coats turned up 18 months later having lauguished in lost property in the meantime.

trainsandplanes · 24/09/2010 13:20

I disagree with the majority, I think.

By showing him consequences (such as using up all his birthday money), people are intending that this will show him responsibility etc. However, I think it could show him something else as well - that you are cross about it and the reaction he worried about has materialised and that next time, he would be even less likely to come to you and confess whatever the problem is.

Anyway, regarding the actual kit - presuming it was named - you should go into the school and look for it and tell the appropriate person that it has been lost/stolen. You should see if they have lost property. It will not just have "vanished" - it must be somewhere in the school or it has been stolen. If it is not found, I'd expect whoever talks at assembly to say a few words about stealing stuff. That's what would have happened when I was at school.

If it was not named, presumably it has a distinguishing feature, so you should still go into the school and talk to them. It is a lot of stuff that has gone missing and I would be wanting to get it back rather than either you or him shelling out money to replace it.

nocake · 24/09/2010 13:21

Make him do PE in his pants and vest

Original poster

Snorbs · 24/09/2010 13:26

It is indeed at least £70. He needs entirely separate kits for indoor and outdoor PE, each of which requires a school-branded shirt. The two shirts plus an ordinary pair of football boots came to nearly £60 by themselves, let alone shorts, trainers etc

I'm not sure exactly who he has talked to at the school and where he was looked. I've had to threaten taking his new mobile phone away for a week to even get him to talk to his form teacher. He has been conspicuously vague about the whole thing to be honest. I ended up having to phone one of DS's mates to find out how many PE lessons DS has missed by not having his kit as DS claimed he "couldn't remember". It was only after his mate said it was three times that DS suddenly "remembered" the same thing. FFS

I think I will go halves with him. Hopefully it will make the point but still leaves him with enough birthday money to use. And he can make up the rest of it with extra chores.

OP posts:

TidyBush · 24/09/2010 13:27

On a similar note 'd'd2 (I'm cross with her so she's not so dear at the moment) has just run up a £140 mobile phone bill so I've given her the choice of having her pocket money reduced until it's paid off or not having a Christmas present this year. She's chosed to pay it off monthly.

I can totally understand where you are coming from but if his birthday had been at a different time of the year his £70 wouldn't have come in to the equation so what would have done then to make him pay?

frgr · 24/09/2010 13:28

I support the idea of going halves. that way he feels the pinch for having been careless and ignoring instructions (it's an important lesson) but you're not punishing him to the extreme.

TidyBush · 24/09/2010 13:28

chosed chosen (blush]

OrmRenewed · 24/09/2010 13:30

Poor lad

Sorry, I can see your POV and can quite understand how annoying it is, but he's only been there a few weeks and everyone is allowed one mistake, no? I imagine he is still feeling a bit nervous about the new school.

Demand a contribution - perhaps get him to buy the new PE shirt or football socks or something.

Flip

1 2 3 4

Swipe left for the next trending thread