To think if you are worried your toddler will destroy someone's house then you should control them more

[libertybear]

Am arranging to meet up with a friend. She has a toddler, I have small baby. She said better to meet in a park because her toddler destroys people's houses. Fine - am happy to meet in a park. But aibu to think that you should still be able to go to someone else's house with a toddler and just keep them under control - if it looks like they will destroy something then say no, or bring toys for them etc.

Or am I going to eat my words once my baby is boistrous?

YABU
I am lucky enough to have a non-destructive toddler (she is a horror in other ways), but my mate's DS could cause destruction in an empty room. No amount of toys/DVDs/childproofing/parental intervention will stop him from finding something he can fiddle with. And that's quite, quite normal. Your friend sounds very thoughtful.

YABU - 18mo DS is teething very badly today, and surprised me by ruining a nice piece of pine furniture in less than a minute and biting me, hard, while I was feeding him. This is not at all common for DS, but intended to show how unpredictable they can be, even when you have known them for 18 months.

At times, neither a toddler nor their parent are able to fully control the toddlers violent expressions of their emotions.

Consider yourself warned .

Have a look back at this when your baby is a bit older. You'll know how stupid you sound then - I hope you didn't tell your friend!

Don't all be so mean. Yes, of course op will be eating her words in not very long, when her toddler is trashing someones house but before kids didn't YOU all think your children were NEVER going to do any of the things you disapproved of. Like watch too much TV, be offered anything not 100% healthy to eat, misbehave, ignore you? My kids were going to be just prefect weren't they. Guffaws at self!!

hahahahahahahahahahahahahaha

YAB ridiculously U. You are naive and inexperienced. Please bookmark this page and laugh at yourself in a year.

Your friend knows the above, which is why she doesn't want to deal with you freaking out about her toddler being 'out of control' at your house.

Plus she's considerate.

You'll see.

:)

as everyone else said yabu
its not about she wont control her child but she wont be able to sit down and chat, whereas at the park he is more likely to get on with it and you both can stand around having a nice chat in peace without jumping up every 2 min to retrieve toddler from messing around with inappropriate things. it is normal for them to go and touch things in people's houses, they don't really understand social norms and manners if they are a young toddler (even a crawling baby too, so you may see soon once yours is on the move they may go after things and wont let you sit still in people's houses)

Sorry marge and OP [sheepish emoticon].

But in my defence, I think I always have a fair degree of humility when approaching things I have no experience of.

Which, to be fair, is probably also why OP came on here, before saying anything to her nice, considerate friend.

I was the first of my friends /immediate family genration to have kids and I just wish I'd found MN before my DS1 arrived. I might have known more about what to expect and what was normal! I have gone from tutting and thinking 'well MY child will never do THAT' when seeing a tantrum in progress, to 'There but for the grace of God...' etc. I will of course know ALL about teenagers when the time comes!

We affectionately call DS2 "Danny the destroyer of worlds" -he's not naughty per se, its just he's a toddler and must explore (which often involves much destruction)

AIBU to feel just a little sorry for the OP

I had about a year when I could not eat out and could not take my DS to childless/babies only households. He is better now he is 3 but god it was hard work then. Toddlers are like dogs - they are better outside!

YABVU and may well eat your words. I have 5 DC and some were harder than others. My twin DSs were OK but DS3 and DD2 were horrendous and I was up/down like a yo-yo trying to stop them trashing stuff. It is not as simple as say no!!You can't really control a toddler until a little bit older unless you are lucky and have an easy one!

sigh

I met up with friends who had an angelic 5 month old yesterday. She was either asleep/feeding/smiling or looking up in her pram.

We had planned to go to a park/cafe but ended up in a cafe by the edge of a hugely busy central London traffic lights.

I could see the looks of pity and judgement on their faces when my 23 month old daughter (who isn't that boisterous really) was standing up on the chair and demanding my attention after a couple of hours of schlepping up there, talking to them and holding the baby.

I had to leave quickly and although they said 'they weren't judging me' (their words) because she was a bit noisy, wanted to run around, the whole situation left me feeling a bit unsettled, annoyed and depressed. I came to the conclusion that people with first babies and people with toddlers don't mix that well in confined spaces.

And yes, my baby was angelic at 5 months. Either asleep in a wrap/being breastfed/looking serenely about her.

Plus, I don't believe in the punishments/rewards model of discipline. I have spent the afternoon in the company of someone who believes in that model big time and the constant barking from her, interspersed with shrieking across the room "nice sharing, good girl, good girl" much more enervating than a boisterous, inquisitive toddlers' behaviour.

They are a law unto themselves, they need distracting and some of them need constant supervision and attention. Doesn't mean they ASBO toddlers

YABU If and when you eat your words lets hope they don't choke you.

Weelll, I can see why it would be easier for her to meet elsewhere.

But if she NEVER takes him to other people's houses for fear of him causing damage, how does she expect him to learn what is appropriate behaviour when visiting?

Parenting a toddler is bloody hard work, but you have to put the effort in to teach them how to behave. If that means leaping up every 2 minutes to run interference then so be it.

Otherwise meet at soft play hell so they can go gonzo without trashing someone's house. Meeting in the park loses it's appeal after the weather changes.

YABU. My dd2 was never out of control and wouldn't trash things but she is maddeningly kinaesthetic and picked up everything as a toddler. It made going out quite difficult, although now she's 6 she can control her desire to pick things up more. It's just how she learns about the world, dd1 has always loved books even as a baby and ds seems to learn in a big mix of ways.

Slightly off topic, but I'd read parenting books that recommended positive wording and also recommended moving ornaments out of reach for the first 2-3 yrs. My friend decided to do the opposite - everything within reach and lots of 'nos and 'don't touch'. Made life very fraught when we visited. She also had a big box of kindling and I came in to find my dd1 and her ds running around with pieces of broken orange boxes or similar that were as sharp as stakes. Truly terrifying.

thanks all - i just wanted to know what others thought before replying to the friend. Of course I didn't say that to her and we have arranged to meet in a park with a good playground and a nice cafe. I just wanted to know if this was normal so I know what I am letting self in for - I want to be able to take our son to his grandparents house once he's walking for example without them having to childproof everything.

otchayaniye - I didn't realise telling toddlers what you wanted them to do amounted to punishment/reward. Isn't that just how they learn?

I thought punishment was time out type things? And reward would be stickers and treats type things?

Ummm come back in a year and ask again. I think you will be eating your words. At least she doesn't just sit there and let him trash the place.

Hahaha wait til you have a toddler...

My firend has a toddler, we are always round her place, I feel guilty not reciprocating hospitality but her boy would trash my place so she keeps him on home turf where he is a bit containable.

Taking a toddler to the park to tire him out is a good move for her as she may be able to take her eye off him for 10 seconds.