to consider hooking up with an old friend **LONG**

[lagerlout]

OK I'll try and be as brief as i can here. I was recently contacted through Facebook by an old friend who I knew almost 20 years ago. At the time I met him I had just come out of a 2 year relationship with my 'first love' who had been 9 years older than me and I wasn't in a good place or coping with it very well. Went a bit mad getting trollied and causing havoc wherever I went. This old friend was very tolerant of me, always looked after me, encouraged me to go out, made sure I got home safely etc even though I often treated him badly.

He was a genuinely nice guy and had my head been in a different place I may have taken him more serious and who knows how things would have developed. However I knew I needed to get away and I took a job working abroad and off I trotted.

Whilst away we use to write to one another and his letters often kept me going. We were quite tuned into each other mentally and use to have a lot of banter. However when I came home he went a bit cold on me and not been one to hang around I took off and never saw him again.

About 3 years after this I met my DP who managed to tame me and I now owe him my life as it is today, we are very fortunate, life is good for us and we have a beautiful son. My DP is my rock, he knows me better than anyone else and I wouldn't change him for the world. This old friend is absolutely no threat to him.

We have always have always had a very trusting relationship, with no set rules or silly boundaries. He works in a trade which is very sociable with lots of young girls, in the past he has been in some very dubious circumstances and he has had many female friends. This has never bothered me one bit, as I choose to trust him, I'm not one for fretting about stuff that may not have happened.

Old friend wanted to meet, I didn't see a problem with this so agreed. DP got very funny about it, which I wasn't expecting, but I wasn't going to cancel meet because of his silliness so I went ahead with it. It was good to see old friend, he hadn't changed much, still very polite and gentlemanly and a pleasure to be with.

However he did seem a little lost, he had got heavily into drugs, it had started when I went abroad all them years ago and he attributed his coldness toward me on my return all them years ago to these drugs. About 3 years ago things got so bad, he said if he didn't clean himself up he'd be dead now and he started a programme and is now out the other side.

This is good news but something was missing with him. Like he hadn't managed to pick his life up again and start living. There was an air of lonliness about him, he had cut off all his old friends as they were caught up in the drug scene and he isn't working although he 'invests' in things. Meeting up with him reinforced how lucky I am in life for everything I have and how easily things can end up in a mess for some people.

Since this meet (3 months ago), old friend has text me sporadically, not in a harassing way, just general chit chat every few weeks. He really wants to meet again but whenever I broach subject with DP he gets funny about it. He admits he is being irrational and he trusts me but he just has a bee in his bonnet about the whole thing.

I don't want this to cause problems in my home life and I do think that DP should respect my individuality to be friends with who I want, I don't like the fact that he is currently controlling me somewhat through his irrationality. I feel that old friend needs a friend and maybe now is my time to be the friend to him he was to me all them years ago. AIBU?

YANBU but really really think why you want to see him and if it is worth pissing off your DP for.

I wouldn't say that I have any great need to see him, its more that I feel he needs a friend and that is difficult to just ignore. I don't want to piss DP off but I don't think its healthy to accept him putting restrictions on me, I should make my own decisions for my own reasons. I don't smother him in this way, I respect him for being his own person.

Even when I said to DP you want me to bow down and play by your rules, he said no that wasn't the way our relationship worked. He blows hot and cold, one minute he is cool about it and then he gets all silly again. I have always been very independent, I wouldn't respond well to him controlling me this way and I would resent him for it.

For heaven's sake!!!! If you have a trusting, loving relationship, then let your DP be funny about it, and DON'T GO. As long as you get to have a funny turn and he'll respect your views.

Seriously, why piss your dp off? If he were a chronic jealous type it would be different.

I don't understand your comment Purpleduck. Because we have a trusting relationship is exactly why he shouldn't be funny about it. It sets a new precedent, should I start being funny with him about things going forward just to prove my point. It changes our whole dynamic.

He obviously feels really uneasy about you seeing him and imo that should mean you would want to put your partner first and not go. It isn't about him dictating who you can see.

I would say this old friend has something more in mind. If he turned to drugs because you went away I would say that he was seriously into you.

Even if you have no intention of anything happening, I have a feeling he will he hoping for something more this time.

Your DP has a right to feel uneasy about it. Trying to see it from his point of view I think I would feel the same if DH met up with an old female friend who he had been very close to.

Honestly, yes you have the right to have friends and they shouldn't have to be female because it might make your DP uneasy but I think you need to respect his feelings on the matter and not pursue it.

It is good that this old friend has managed to sort himself out but I really think he needs more from you than you can give him.

You want to jeopardise your marriage because some old friend you knew 20 years ago has pissed up his life and needs a friend? Does your husband need a wife?
What is more important?
What are you hoping to achieve with this friendship? What good will it do to your overall life and happyness?

Maybe your dh did not "tame" you after all, maybe you still are the same as you were years ago, and now you need to seek new adventures?

Take your DP with you.

i cant imagine it would ever ever be worth upsetting DP for, lagerlout.dont do it.there are so few good guys in this world that if you have one and he is feeling a bit threatened/upset by this then you need to put his feelings first. hes only feeling like that cos he loves you and feels he maybe cant compete with your past that he was never a part of.

Take you dp with you is a good idea.

Since he is not a possessive type, his instinct may be kicking in for a good reason. (to risk sounding all psychic-ish)

Someone I know's DH was contacted by an old flame through friends reunited last year. Fast forward a year and wife has been dumped for old flame. They have no children, she is in her late fifties and is heartbroken.

If you must see him to assuage your curiosity/help him out take your DP with you.

Thats what I meant in my post I think gta

Its NOT setting a precedent, but maybe your Dp feels (instinctively or not) that your friend may be a bad influence, or that you have unresolved feelings and he's a bit worried. Whatever it is, shouldn't the trust extend to how your DP is feeling at the moment? And trust that he's feeling uneasy about it, and BE KIND TO HIM about it? Give and take and all that?

By going anyways you are running roughshod over his feelings.

Thanks for your opinions ladies and I have no intention of persuing this without my DP's blessing. If that were the case I would just be doing it behind his back. My family is my priority and will always come first. Old friend has been put in the picture very clearly on this score and if I thought his intentions were underhand you wouldn't see me for dust.

Even though you lot don't seem to understand that in all our years together we have never made demands of each other like this - hence why it is pissing me off, it seems the general consensus is I should put aside my feelings for his.

I am going to have to find a way of reconciling that with myself as he has all the freedom in the world. Over the years he has been on lads holidays, all night benders, hes a complete flirt, life and soul of the party type and always has women around him when you go anywhere and I make a concerted effort not to make mountains out of molehills.

The reason this discussion came up between us again this week is because he has been contacted by a girl he has known for a long time but sometimes goes a few years between seeing her. She has recently been made homeless and is sleeping on her sisters sofa. He arranged with her - without consulting me - that he is driving 30 miles next weekend to pick her up, bring her back to ours and is taking a few days off to spend with her. He didn't consult me as he doesn't expect me to have an issue with it in much the same way I didn't expect him to have an issue. I could tell you countless tales of his behaviour that a lot of women would have a problem with. This just feels like one rule for him and another for me - thats what I'm not happy about.

Ahhh
Have you discussed this with him? Maybe "silly boundaries" aren't so silly after all if his behaviour makes you feel...worried? slightly unimportant? just a bit uneasy...?

I think sometimes its a fine line between "consulting" with your partner, (and feeling you have to ask permission or whatever,) and discussing things with them as part of a loving respectful partnership.
There shouldn't be 2 sets of rules, but if you've never talked to him about his behaviour with other women, then he won't know that you are not alright with it all.

But if you did say to your dp you didnt want him to see this girl next weekend would he stil go?

Purpleduck - my point is I absolutely don't have an issue with it. I choose not to have an issue with it because I believe its irrational. I trust him, thats a gift I give him. Call me naive and idealistic but I don't see the point in wasting energy stressing about what if's and maybe's.

My attitude is we are together because thats what we both want. If that ever changed we should be honest about it and talk to one another, not be deceitful and underhand and ultimately really hurt one another and end up hating each other. We have a child together, he alone demands that we are that respectful of one another.

If we are both definite that our life together is what we want, what is there to get protective over? If he ever did cross me his life wouldn't be worth living and there would be no second chances - he is very aware of that.

VIP Sale - no he would not be happy if I made a demand like that and would think I was being difficult in a tit for tat way. Which would be true. That is what I am saying about it changing the dynamic of our relationship.

I think it's the very fact that he has never made this request before that means you should humour him on this occasion and give it a miss.
And re: his offer of a bed and company to this homeless friend. What would hack me off about that is the fact that he didn't run it by me first. Not for permission, but as a courtesy.

You should have put your second post in the OP.

Why should he be driving 30 miles to pick up an old friend, then want to spend a few days with her whilst getting annoyed with you for wanting to do the same? There is clearly a lot more to it as you said about women around him and stuff that you never bring up.

This guy is bad news and you know it and DP knows it.

Not sure what to make of your second post.

How can you know that this guy is bad news? OP says that he helped her while she was going through a bad time, and it seems that she just wants to do the same. I can not see anything that says he is bad news!! Do you keep in touch with old boyfriends lager? Does dp mind this?

Was there ever anything but friendship between him and this girl?

Was there ever anything other than friendship between you and the old friend?

He's bad news because he's a duggie and a leech and obviously got designs on the OP. The DP is not daft.

um was a "druggie" op has said he is out the other side now and admits that she herself went through a wild stage so she could well have been a "druggie" herself then too but her dp tamed her (using your words and hers there).. She also says that she made it clear to the friend that she has a dp and child and that they are her priority...

Why shouldn't op help an old friend out when dp is doing the exact same thing...

Why is her friend and not his anymore of a threat to their relationship?

And as for him taking drugs does no one get a second chance? geeze..

Um - well, not so sure about that second post. Something doesn't add up. I'm wondering if the OP is a bit bored of domesticity, and might miss her life at the sharp end. Messing with fire so to speak.

I think it depends on what level you want to be treated 'equally' in the relationship. Do you mean 'equal' in the sense that neither partner makes demands or puts restrictions on the other's freedom? (possibly op's approach?) Or do you mean 'equal' in the sense that nobody's feelings are disregarded? Up until this issue arose it seems that there had been no need to distinguish as the two went hand in hand, but now you may need to understand which 'equality' you are looking for. I can understand you feeling that the dynamic of your relationshiup may change as a result of this, but maybe it's the understanding of the preferred 'equality' that is changing...?

(first post, bit nervous, may have to rush off as baby napping...)