to consider hooking up with an old friend **LONG**

[lagerlout]

OK I'll try and be as brief as i can here. I was recently contacted through Facebook by an old friend who I knew almost 20 years ago. At the time I met him I had just come out of a 2 year relationship with my 'first love' who had been 9 years older than me and I wasn't in a good place or coping with it very well. Went a bit mad getting trollied and causing havoc wherever I went. This old friend was very tolerant of me, always looked after me, encouraged me to go out, made sure I got home safely etc even though I often treated him badly.

He was a genuinely nice guy and had my head been in a different place I may have taken him more serious and who knows how things would have developed. However I knew I needed to get away and I took a job working abroad and off I trotted.

Whilst away we use to write to one another and his letters often kept me going. We were quite tuned into each other mentally and use to have a lot of banter. However when I came home he went a bit cold on me and not been one to hang around I took off and never saw him again.

About 3 years after this I met my DP who managed to tame me and I now owe him my life as it is today, we are very fortunate, life is good for us and we have a beautiful son. My DP is my rock, he knows me better than anyone else and I wouldn't change him for the world. This old friend is absolutely no threat to him.

We have always have always had a very trusting relationship, with no set rules or silly boundaries. He works in a trade which is very sociable with lots of young girls, in the past he has been in some very dubious circumstances and he has had many female friends. This has never bothered me one bit, as I choose to trust him, I'm not one for fretting about stuff that may not have happened.

Old friend wanted to meet, I didn't see a problem with this so agreed. DP got very funny about it, which I wasn't expecting, but I wasn't going to cancel meet because of his silliness so I went ahead with it. It was good to see old friend, he hadn't changed much, still very polite and gentlemanly and a pleasure to be with.

However he did seem a little lost, he had got heavily into drugs, it had started when I went abroad all them years ago and he attributed his coldness toward me on my return all them years ago to these drugs. About 3 years ago things got so bad, he said if he didn't clean himself up he'd be dead now and he started a programme and is now out the other side.

This is good news but something was missing with him. Like he hadn't managed to pick his life up again and start living. There was an air of lonliness about him, he had cut off all his old friends as they were caught up in the drug scene and he isn't working although he 'invests' in things. Meeting up with him reinforced how lucky I am in life for everything I have and how easily things can end up in a mess for some people.

Since this meet (3 months ago), old friend has text me sporadically, not in a harassing way, just general chit chat every few weeks. He really wants to meet again but whenever I broach subject with DP he gets funny about it. He admits he is being irrational and he trusts me but he just has a bee in his bonnet about the whole thing.

I don't want this to cause problems in my home life and I do think that DP should respect my individuality to be friends with who I want, I don't like the fact that he is currently controlling me somewhat through his irrationality. I feel that old friend needs a friend and maybe now is my time to be the friend to him he was to me all them years ago. AIBU?

your loyalty lies with your DP and if he doesn't like it, you are playing with fire. It sounds like your DP has good instincts that this friendship is not without potential complications.

Maybe you can be a friend by phone and text - but don't meet up again.

have just re-read and think that 'disregarded' sounds a bit harsh. In fact, whole post sounds a bit harsh and intrusive - it was actually meant to be supportive and suggest another way of looking at it.

(have just realised I've posted in AIBU for first post. How did that happen?!)

Potato - not sure what you mean by clearly more going on. There really isn't and I am not questioning DP's behaviour at all, it poses no problem for me. I find his antics amusing, we're different creatures that way,hes a showman and I'm more of a sit down and chat one on one.

Bump - Thanks for your empathy, I am being made to feel guilty in this scenario when I actually have nothing to feel guilty about, I have been totally honest - even though Animation thinks I don't know my own mind and am kidding myself. DP met his friend about 2-3 years into our relationship, so no he was never involved with her. It never occurred to me to have a problem with it although numerous people around me thought I should have had one. It seems the greater majority out there don't believe men and woman can be just friends. Me and old friend were never involved either, I kissed him in a drunken haze a couple of times but thats as far as it went. As I said before I was cut up about the fella I had split up with and not looking for a relationship. As for old boyfriends there were only 2 as I have been with DP forever and no I'm not in contact, nor would I have any inclination to be.

Guvnor - interesting thought and one to ponder. The first is definitely where I am coming from. The second is where I'm being pushed to. If DP wants to work that way thats the way I'll play it but the goalposts will move for him to so he understands what he is asking of me. I don't think he'll like that much but on principle I see no reason to give him rope if he doesn't do the same for me.

Its all really silly because I categorically have no interest in this fella, I am perfectly happy with my life. I am very loyal and don't even tell white lies, I hate liars of any kind. When I say DP has absolutely nothing to worry about - that is fact. He has even says he knows this but just doesn't trust this fella for no logical reason. He has admitted he is being irrational and he is projecting that irrationality onto me. We have always raised our eyebrows at people around us who are possessive of their other halfs and now he is behaving this way.

I am big enough to assess situations myself without the need for someone else to look out for me. I mean that in any walk of life, not exclusively to this situation. If I thought this guy wasn't being entirely honest with me I would make no bones about giving him a piece of my mind and putting him in is place and zoning him right out. I am really pissed off with DP for questioning my integrity.

One of the reasons your DP might be pissed off, and what is certainly raising a red flag for me, is your friend's occupation of "investing in things" - that sounds extremely dodgy, and frankly like money laundering. Unless you know a great deal more about how he earns his dosh and keeps body and soul together, your DP may well be worried that you will be drawn into a world of criminal activity (sounds a bit melodramatic put like that, but hope you see what I mean).

Why can't you introduce your husband to your old friend and then you can all socialise together, the same with his friend. I don't see why the friendships have to be seperate.

Scattlebutter - yes I tend to agree. There's something dodgy about this guy - exciting but dodgy.

I don't get why you don't get him round to socialise with dp there - if he's still not happy, he might then be able to expain it to you.

How about when this girl is there, do a Cilla Black...?

Having read your post about your DP's friend, actually I do really see why you are pissed off. Trust has to work both ways and it just isn't fair for it to be one rule for him and one for you.

Do you think he might have arranged to hook up with his girl friend as a way to get back at you for perceived hurt over you meeting your old friend?

I have a niggling thought. Was going to keep to myself, but what the heck -

could he be judging you by his standards? Are these hilarious flirting and drunk nights out really so squeaky clean????

Well maybe you and your DH are as bad as each other - looking for extra intrigues outside of the marriage. Like you say, you and the dodgy guy have snogged already in the past.

Maybe your dh isn't worried about anything happening between you and this man. Maybe he is worried because when you were last friends with him you went off the rails a bit and he is worried that you may do the same (or have rosetinted specs about that time and then become dissatisfied about your life now) if you spend too much time with this man. That isn't the same as not trusting you. I think if your dh is uneasy then he is perfectly reasonable to tell you.

I think in order that this doesn't leave you resentful about your dh's social life then it is worth sitting down with your dh and talking about exactly why he is concerned with him. For what its worth I would also point out that I am not happy about him taking leave from work that might have been spent as a family and inviting someone to stay for several days without asking. Not because you would have said no but because decisions like this should be discussedd imho. Of course if you don't feel like this then don't mention it - that is just me!

But I wouldn't put friendship with someone I knew 20 years ago over my relationship with dh. Would definately need to talk through the whole 'what is acceptable socially' thing to make sure that his reaction on this didn't colour my reaction to him and his friends though because even if this doesn'[t bother you (and I totally agree with you on the trust thing) you may subconciously get a bit sniffy with him next time if there is any resentment left over his reaction to this

Animation are you for real?? I have snogged him!! It was a lifetime ago, I was a kid and has no relevance whatsoever, are you telling me that someone you snogged years ago would be a threat to your current relationship? That really is the most ridiculous thing I have ever heard. I can also asure you there is nothing 'exciting' about this guy at all. The drugs and the years have not been kind to him and he appears to lead a very low key life nowadays.

These forums are always difficult as people are not armed with all the facts. When I said he invests in things, I meant hedge funds etc as this was the line of business he use to be in and it was this work circle that led him into the champagne charlie lifestyle not my departure. Also someone suggested that this guy led me off the rails previously, that is not how it was. I was out of control when I met him, if anything he tried to keep me in line, out of trouble and get me to behave myself. He was always very old fashioned and gentlemanly and I could still see that in him when I met up with him recently. However having said that I do accept the fact that this guy is a virtual stranger to me now and naturally I would be treading cautiously and not taking everything on face value until I have sussed him out. I have ran my own business' before having a large number of employees to manage, believe me with that comes the ability to assess people and protect your interests, I am nobody's fool.

Because I am treading cautiously at this stage in the game I have no desire to let him into my family home or let him know where I live. I could decide at some point that he does have an agenda or he has been dishonest with me. I am more that happy for my DP to meet him, that is a natural progression but its a little full on for this poor guy at this stage in the game. Yeah I'll meet you again but am bringing my paranoid DP with me as bodyguard.

DP's old friend got in contact with him so no I don't for one minute think that was orchastrated. If anything it has made him think and see things from my point of view. We had a long chat last night and the upshot is that I now have his blessing and he has thought things through and has got his head around it. Our son is almost 7 and my social life has changed since having him, I tend to socialise with lots of mummy friends, do things around each others houses etc. DP's life hasn't, he is still going out with his single mates living it up and he has fallen into a comfort zone with me and where I'm at. He is actually going to a house party tonight of some girl that he works with, when I suggested maybe I should object to this, as I anticipated he didn't like those sort of restrictions and acknowledges he should treat others as he would like to be treated and wouldn't be happy with me becoming some demanding, demented rule his life female.

PotPourri your question made me smile as that can be applied different ways. The majority of responses on here have been suspicious toward this bloke. From this I guess people are putting themselves into the situation and responding by their own standards. I would guess you are all fairly possessive of your partners and think me very odd. Whether that is the general trend of human nature or more of a female trait (since I assume the majority of you are mums not dads) I don't know. I find it sad that our society tends to make judgements and assumptions without giving people a fair crack of the whip and assessing the facts. I don't think that is very fair, where would we be if judges around the country let their hearts rule their heads? There would be no such thing as a fair trial would there?

To answer your niggling thought I am 100% confident that there is nothing untoward where DP is concerned. Apart from this wobble on his part as he had fallen into a zone of expected comfort we generally have a very happy relationship, we can talk about anything and everything and barely ever argue. He tells me the antics of his nights out and if he were with one his friends who is in a relationship, he'd say don't mention it to their Mrs as he knows they would make an issue out of it. I like the fact that we have no secrets, I believe it makes us stronger and the outside world can see that and people often comment on how together we are. In turn his friends are also very open with me and have a lot of time for me as they say I'm relaxed and they can have a laugh with me. He is a committed family man with a big personality, almost an Alfie Moon type, I would know if there were something amiss. A lot of you may think I am living in ignorant bliss but one thing I do know is if a person is going to stray, they will do it. Tying them up like a dog isn't going to make a blind bit of difference.

And just as a footnote for those that think I have my head in the clouds. Just because DP has said yes he is now OK with this freindship that does not mean I am in a rush to arrange a meeting next week or anytime soon. Its just that I now know that if I choose to do it at some point in the future I have the freedom to do so without any domestic dramas and demands been made of me.

"I would guess you are all fairly possessive of your partners and think me very odd. Whether that is the general trend of human nature or more of a female trait (since I assume the majority of you are mums not dads) I don't know. I find it sad that our society tends to make judgements and assumptions without giving people a fair crack of the whip and assessing the facts. I don't think that is very fair, where would we be if judges around the country let their hearts rule their heads? There would be no such thing as a fair trial would there?"

lagerlout - whoa, well your head sure is full of rationalisations for seeing this guy, and wild horses wouldn't stop you now. But if, like you say, he's pretty much burnt out these days, then maybe that's a good sign, and hopefully he won't try and snog you again.

If you can't be good be careful.

Ah well, all sorted then. No idea why you asked for views if you were just going to tell us all that we are saddos that tie our husbands in like dogs.

This guy took to drugs when you disappeared, and has been really keen to see you now that he has picked himself up.

You asked what we thought, we told you. You don't like it so outline how you're superior to all in sundry, with your unbreakable trust blah blah.

I sincerely hope you're right, I really do.

Wishing you much happiness

Seems I touched a nerve with you guys, really wasn't my intention to upset. Different folks, different srokes, it was just an observation and the conclusion I came to from being on here. Just drawing on the responses I got that are written FACTs. I'm saying that in response to VIPs quoted response where she left out the sentence preceding how I had come to that conclusion because of the response's I had got.

Despite me saying repeatedly saing I have no interest in this guy nobody could take that on face value apart from Bumps & Alicet. Everyone read something more sinster into it albeit in a very tactful way and emapthised with DP, so I was BU. I would lay money that if I had posted with the situation reversed and it was him meeting with an old friend and I wasn't happy there would have been an unresounding NYANBU.

Its not that I dislike what any of you are saying but none of you are listening to me saying there is not a hope in hell of me ever cheating on DP, I would never do it, its never and will never be an option. That has been completely disregarded for suspicion. So you haven't really listened. And as you were not listening I will repeat he did not turn to drugs because of me, he has been off them 3 years so he was in no big hurry to contact me was he?

As for been full of rationalisations, how unreasonable of me. Maybe it would make more sense if I just imagined and made up problems eh? I'll bow out now before I upset anymore of you, I'm obviously not tuned into the female psyche.