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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to feel undermined by DP's "property investment" plans with his sister?

31 replies

spaghettina · 23/09/2010 12:19

We have a small baby, are renting a 1 bedroom flat, and due to our respective work situations, will have trouble getting a mortgage/ buying a flat, but that's the idea in the not too distant future.
I'm the only one of us with any savings to speak of, for a down payment.

Nevertheless, DP spotted an investment opportunity, a smallish office space (couldn't be turned into a home) and thinks it would be good to buy, use it to work in and rent out desk space to other freelancers.

I expressed my doubts as i think if we're going to invest in anything it should be a family home.

He's just gone off to view it and it emerged (after I overheard a phone call) that he's asked his sister, a student (!) to go into the investment with him as I'm "not interested".

Never mind the fact that I don't know how this would get paid for, but AIBU to resent and find it odd that he's asked his sister and is potentially getting into a situation which would most likely prevent him from paying another mortgage for a home? (he won't tell me how much he earns but it's not that much and I'm strugging to work from home and look after baby at the same time).

OP posts:

sitdownpleasegeorge · 23/09/2010 12:25

I personally think he needs advice such as to spend time researching the market. Place ads for freelance office/desk space and see if there is any reponse.

Most freelancers that I know work from home for the very good reason that it saves money.

claricebeansmum · 23/09/2010 12:25

I wouldn't be very happy either. He's going against your wishes without having had a very good discussion with you and right now his priorities should be different.

I wouldn't worry though because I am not sure who would lend them the money to buy the place anyway? Not a sound business plan.

tokyonambu · 23/09/2010 12:26

"rent out desk space to other freelancers. "

A market of approximately zero.

HRHPrincessReality · 23/09/2010 12:26

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

TheHeathenOfSuburbia · 23/09/2010 12:26

He won't tell you how much he earns?

That's pretty odd already, without the wacky property investment plan.

BuntyPenfold · 23/09/2010 12:26

You don't know what your partner, the baby's father, earns?
Worrying in itself, when you are working and struggling to make ends meet.
I don't like the sound of any of it to be honest.

PigletJohn · 23/09/2010 12:28

Doesn't look good to me. I see three problems:

he has some pie-in-the-sky get-rich quick fantasy (I'm guessing he has no experience of the Office Interim Rental market, but he could do worse than look at the profits and losses of Regus over the last 10 years)
he is not including you in his financial planning and appears to be putting home buying far down his priority list
"he won't tell me how much he earns but it's not that much and I'm strugging to work from home and look after baby at the same time."

Sorry.

Don't lend him any money.

oranges · 23/09/2010 12:31

not knowing what he earns is a huge problem. be very careful of your own financial situation and position. keep tight hold of all your money, and make sure he spends at least some on his on essentials and baby stuff.

DorisIsAPinkDragon · 23/09/2010 12:32

I think you have much bigger issues than just the fact that he has turned to his sister....

you live together are planning on buying a house together, but don't share how much you earn with each other?

How would you know that he doesn't have other funds elsewhere?

If you've discussed and disagreed and then he has just ignored you anyway, where is the equality in your relationship.... he didn't even have the balls to tell you he wanted to view it anyway (you overheard the telephone convo).

You need to find out where his priorities lie, if with you and the baby then the family home should come first. A 1 bed flat is ok for now but what happens as your baby grows...

but no YANBU

Firawla · 23/09/2010 12:49

yanbu and wont tell you how much he earns is not on
i would be quite worried by this, his focus should be on you and dc, not this office rental thing which sounds a bit of a dubious idea anyway (could be a waste of money)

Alibabaandthe40nappies · 23/09/2010 12:55

Your first mistake was to have a baby with a man who isn't committed to you.

I'm sorry but I would be making plans to be a single parent.

poppymouse · 23/09/2010 12:56

I don't see how you will ever get a mortgage together without you knowing how much he earns, he will need to tell whoever you ask for a mortgage.

Original poster

spaghettina · 23/09/2010 13:38

Hello again and thanks for your responses.
He has since come back and we discussed this property plan and apparently I misunderstood - the office would be bought with money from their family business. So nothing to do with me financially at least. His sister is meant to view it to give him an opinion and back him up when presenting the idea to his older family members who run the firm. that wasn't clear before...

I knew he was going to view the house but didn't think his sister was involved.

He definitely has confused ideas about this stuff and no experience of the property market- Where we live though, plenty of people rent out desk space for various reasons (we're not in the UK), so it wouldn't be a zero market.

I agree that not knowing what he earns is weird. I think the reason he won't tell me is that he's recently gone back into the family business and the initial figure has been decided by the director - his dad! And a series of other factors I won't go into.

There are also other issues which I've never posted about on here, but he is definitely committed to me and has strong family values. He's supported me financially too and is paying most of the rent. so it's not all bad! But the woolly distinction between his money, family money and the family business money is a bit complicated. It's impossible to discuss these things without it getting "personal" because his mother does the accounts, his dad's the director, his uncle the managing director etc etc.

Thanks for all your advice, there's definitely stuff to think about here - protecting my interests above all.

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NordicPrincess · 23/09/2010 14:08

family business excuse is bullshit, you think his mother dousnt know how much her husband earns? you have a RIGHT to know and id be demanding to know right now. no way would i live with a man who didnt tell me

IsabellaSwan · 23/09/2010 14:11

Taliking about a "family business" is all very well, but you are family! He should not be putting himself in a position where he feels he has to keep secrets from you. There is a key distinction between respecting a third party's confidence and having secrets from your partner - IMO he is on the wrong side of that line.

Just on a bit of a tangent, has he ever shown interest in marrying you? I don't know where you are, but in most jurisdictions a married woman has more rights than an unmarried partner if a relationship ends - food for thought, esp if money is an issue...

TrillianAstra · 23/09/2010 14:13

He needs to have money from the family business that is separately his salary, which will then become part of the money that belongs to the family that is you, him, and your baby.

And you need to know what it is.

megapixels · 23/09/2010 14:16

My mother didn't know how much my father earned. He made it a point to keep it a secret from her. But that was because he earned a lot, when he was at the beginning of his career and earned a small salary he had no problem with her knowing and obviously, she had to know because they had to budget etc. Sounds really weird and I wouldn't stand for that, but it seemed to work for them.

YANBU to be worried about his "investment".

Original poster

spaghettina · 23/09/2010 14:17

Nordic Princess - good point there about his mother!

Isabellaswan - yes he asked me to marry him a month after we found out i was pg and we're getting married next year - that's the idea anyway.

Same rules apply here to alimony etc. except at the moment, on paper I'm the one with more assets and declared income so not sure if that would benefit me...?

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Original poster

spaghettina · 23/09/2010 14:22

Megapixels - hmm I think it's because the "salary" is quite modest because it's all they can manage for now, and he's worried I might judge or something.

His parents have also given him large sums of their own money to help us out in the past year, which he has told me about.

TBH i haven't pursued the question for a few months now, I dropped it when he seemed reluctant to tell me.
But I think you're all right - it's more normal for people to be open about this kind of thing and I have a right to know.

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IsabellaSwan · 23/09/2010 14:29

Spaghettina, it's good he is committed to your relationship - congrats on your enagagement.

Just a quick query: how can you know that you're the one with the most assets if you don't know his salary?

Original poster

spaghettina · 23/09/2010 14:40

Isabella - well I assume so because at the moment his position is informal and cash in hand. Nothing on paper.
Also he doesn't have any investments, or savings - he did, but had to spend it all to make ends meet last year while job-hunting, before he gave up and went back to working with the family.
Not sure if any part of the company is in his name - but I'm pretty sure it's not.

OP posts:

Original poster

spaghettina · 23/09/2010 14:49

Oh and thanks for the congratulations! We're going through such a rocky patch that the excitement has worn off somehow. Post-baby stress + money worries have kind of put a dampener on any enthusiastic wedding planning..

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ccpccp · 23/09/2010 18:57

Hes a dreamer.

Success takes work, but he'll never get past the ideas stage, so dont worry.

BeenBeta · 23/09/2010 19:15

No. Absolutley no.

I walked round a large city today. The amount of spare office space up for let/sale was staggering.

The market is awash. Turning large office space into interim space is not a new idea. As PigletJohn rightly points out there is a company called Regus that does this very very well. At its peak in December 2000 its share price was about £3.60 and today it is £0.76.

It is a very tough market.

fedupofnamechanging · 23/09/2010 20:06

Possibly, the family won't agree to finance this unless it's been properly checked out, so it might come to nothing.

My concern is that you seem to be a bit on the outside of this family. Your DP is looking to them and making decisions which affect you and yet you appear to have no influence over what he does. It is worrying that he won't tell you his salary. What else will he withold from you in the future?

You are either a partnership or you're not. I don't think there is room for secrets regarding money.

One more thing, a savvy family will have a way of legally protecting their assets (the family business) from people marrying into the family, should a relationship not work out. Get some legal advice about where you stand before you get wed. He might have access to lots of money in future, but on paper you would look like the one with the assets which could count against you should things not work out.

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