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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be absolutely furious

43 replies

Ashfae · 22/09/2010 22:28

Namechanged for security

DH and I are having major, major money problems. Don't want to go into too many details but we had two years to raise almost 80 grand or we'd have to go bankrupt (which would mean DH would lose his career). The past two years have not been fun and we have had to borrow from family. DH asked his boss if he could borrow money, they said yes (as didn't want him to have to leave). All very confidentially set up and we agonised over it.

Last year we got married, using money which had been given to us for that specific purpose and that purpose only (we asked and asked if we could use it to avoid BR and were told no). DH's best man (and really close friend to us), was a colleague. We are really embarrassed about our financial situation (our stupidity got us into this situation), and only a very, very few people know about what's happening. The stress of not feeling able to talk about it has been immense.

DH was inadvertantly CCed on an exchange between this guy and some other colleagues which had begun as a personal discussion - about DH. It looks like a work discussion (which he was CCed on), but if you scroll down far enough there's his BM gossiping about us and our situation, including saying DH is getting a loan through work and talking about how much our wedding cost (he implies it was our own money we spent and DH has a cheek asking for a loan through work when he spent X on the wedding - he knows exactly what the situation actually is).

DH didn't say anything and has decided not to let on he saw this exchange but I am FURIOUS. This is supposed to be DH's best friend and confidante, and now this situation is going to be all around the office.

I am so angry I can barely see! But DH says that "people talk" and I am unrealistic to expect close friends to keep it confidential.

Gahhhh.

OP posts:
funkychunkymunky · 22/09/2010 22:30

YANBU

I would be furious. People do talk but not in a work e-mail!

banana87 · 22/09/2010 22:31

YANBU. But I have NO advice on what to do because it is your DH's friend and his work, so its up to him to say something. I can see that some people are going to say "what do you expect", but you don't deserve this, regardless of how you got yourself into this situation.

Curlybrunette · 22/09/2010 22:34

It sounds like you've had a bloody tough couple of years. Don't know what I'd do but I can imagine how angry you are. Fair enough people gossiping when there's stuff to gossip about but when the wedding money was purely for the wedding they have got facts totally wrong.

Is your dh embarrassed about the whole situation so doesn't want to confront them. A man being proud?

Best man sounds like a twat. Do you see him much? Can you make it obvious to him that he is a twat and you can't stand him?

Original poster
Ashfae · 22/09/2010 22:35

It's not about people sneering at us for being in this situation - we were expecting that, which is why we tried hard to keep it private. We hold our hands up to a bad decision and have taken responsibility (going BR would have been a huge relief in many ways).

When DH asked for the loan we accepted it would probably 'get out', despite it being allegedly totally confidential.

But his best friend stirring and lying - that is such a kick in the teeth, that's the bit which is making feel like I am going to be sick. Before this I had 100% expected that if this guy said anything it would be to defend us.

Feel so betrayed!

OP posts:
BabyDubsEverywhere · 22/09/2010 22:36

YANBU of course your not, this guy shouldnt have broken your trust, but how else is it going to look if you ares pending money on a wedding, however you got the money, it will still look bad wont it? or am i being very niave?

fedupofnamechanging · 22/09/2010 22:46

I think your DH should confront this man and tell him exactly why his comments were so inappropriate and hurtful. It's downright unprofessional to discuss someones personal circumstances on a work email. He would no longer be a friend of mine and I would be very clear with him about that.

Is there any way your DHs employer could have a word to stop him gossiping, as that would not be helpful to your DHs professional reputation. Your DH is obviously a valued employee and his bosses won't want his reputatioon to be damaged by gossips who maybe don't know all the facts

Hedgeblunder · 22/09/2010 22:51

Fucking bastards. I think this needs attention from his boss

BrightLightBrightLight · 22/09/2010 22:55

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
Ashfae · 22/09/2010 22:59

That's an interesting angle actually, it hadn't even occurred to me. You are right of course, it's massively unprofessional and does potentially compromise DH's standing at work (and with clients, it's a very incestuous industry).

I am so gutted/angry at one of our closest friends (and DH's best mate for the ten years he's worked there), gossiping and lying that I hadn't even thought about the professional ethics angle.

Jesus what a fucking fucking bastard. He and his wife live nearby and their DCs are friends with our DCs, this is just going to be awful.

DH is so ashamed already, this is going to really twist the knife. JESUS.

OP posts:
Original poster
Ashfae · 22/09/2010 23:00

You are right though, there is no way DH can just ostrich about it (which I think he wants to do, doesn't want to "lose the friendship").

It's not just about his best friend screwing him over, I might get him to do something if I take this tack. Poor DH. It is much harder for him than me.

OP posts:
AgentZigzag · 22/09/2010 23:01

Just going against what other people have said Smile but my gut reaction would be to keep it to yourself that you know.

The bloke doesn't know you know this side of him, and I think forewarned is forearmed.

If you start kicking off at him or let him know, he'll just start getting defensive, but if you just let it lie but keep what you know in the back of your mind it might give him enough rope to hang himself but without you looking like you're involved.

Nobody will like him touting this kind of 'gossip' and it'll reflect badly on him.

Just keep schtum and watch

AnxiousLand · 22/09/2010 23:02

You spent the money on a wedding?
Deserve all you get

BrightLightBrightLight · 22/09/2010 23:04

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

AgentZigzag · 22/09/2010 23:04

Other people paid for their wedding, although I'm sure you're post is very helpful to the OP Anxiousland.

BrightLightBrightLight · 22/09/2010 23:05

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
Ashfae · 22/09/2010 23:06

No, AnxiousLand, read my OP. DH's granddad gave us X for the wedding (only for the wedding, we begged pleaded bargained to have it to put towards this debt instead). We had the wedding, no cost to us, but it did cost X (which DH's granddad gave us). Last hurrah before the penury, and DH's granddad kept claiming he was about to die (still going strong of course).

even if we'd spent ten million pounds on a wedding, I don't think DH deserves his 'best friend' acting like this actually.

OP posts:
AnxiousLand · 22/09/2010 23:06

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted

Plumm · 22/09/2010 23:09

Read the OP AnxiousLand

AnxiousLand · 22/09/2010 23:10

handbags at dawn
gucci eh?

so what
boring....anyway

Original poster
Ashfae · 22/09/2010 23:10

BrightLightBrightLight yeah I bet they do. Getting DH to actually do anything about it will be another thing entirely.

AgentZigzag yeah on the personal level that does appeal (though I was totally up for marching over to his house and yelling at him earlier this evening). I know it reflects really badly on him but I feel so crap for DH. And I hadn't even considered how this would potentially impact DH's work life.

OP posts:
spiritmum · 22/09/2010 23:14

Once something is committed to e-mail it can end up anywhere.

Does this man use Facebook? If so...

This definitely constitutes a breach of the rules that the vast majority of companies have over the use of e-mail and your dh has to act by going to see his boss as this could have implications for him, too, and the welfare of the company as a whole.

paisleyleaf · 22/09/2010 23:15

I sort of know what Anxiousland means. A loan for a wedding isn't very helpful.
I've been massively skint and something came up that I couldn't afford (a close friend's wedding abroad). A family member really wanted me to go and wanted to give me the money for it. But I refused it - I just could not use up money on something like that while there were drastically more important things for my family that money needed to go on. I just couldn't.

AgentZigzag · 22/09/2010 23:20

Anyone else who knows this other bloke will know he's a twat as I'm sure this wouldn't be a one off, your DH on the other hand has you.

Grin @ 'boring...anyway'

Appletrees · 22/09/2010 23:26

He should reply all saying: anyone who wants to know the real situation can talk to me if they dare. The above is a crock.

Appletrees · 22/09/2010 23:29

No he shouldn't he should report it.