to be absolutely furious

[Ashfae]

Namechanged for security

DH and I are having major, major money problems. Don't want to go into too many details but we had two years to raise almost 80 grand or we'd have to go bankrupt (which would mean DH would lose his career). The past two years have not been fun and we have had to borrow from family. DH asked his boss if he could borrow money, they said yes (as didn't want him to have to leave). All very confidentially set up and we agonised over it.

Last year we got married, using money which had been given to us for that specific purpose and that purpose only (we asked and asked if we could use it to avoid BR and were told no). DH's best man (and really close friend to us), was a colleague. We are really embarrassed about our financial situation (our stupidity got us into this situation), and only a very, very few people know about what's happening. The stress of not feeling able to talk about it has been immense.

DH was inadvertantly CCed on an exchange between this guy and some other colleagues which had begun as a personal discussion - about DH. It looks like a work discussion (which he was CCed on), but if you scroll down far enough there's his BM gossiping about us and our situation, including saying DH is getting a loan through work and talking about how much our wedding cost (he implies it was our own money we spent and DH has a cheek asking for a loan through work when he spent X on the wedding - he knows exactly what the situation actually is).

DH didn't say anything and has decided not to let on he saw this exchange but I am FURIOUS. This is supposed to be DH's best friend and confidante, and now this situation is going to be all around the office.

I am so angry I can barely see! But DH says that "people talk" and I am unrealistic to expect close friends to keep it confidential.

Gahhhh.

Ashfae, this or other e-mails could have been forwarded to goodness knows who by now.

It compromises both your dh and his boss's standing at work.

It needs to be reported.

Apatr from anything else these kinds of 'secrets' (i.e. that you know about BM's betrayal) always blow up in someone's face. Better to get it out in the open, and through the right channels.

So sorry to hear you are going through this. The wedding is neither here nor there.

I think your DH needs to report this immediately to either his manger or the HR department at his work, whichever is the most appropriate. Responding directly to the email is probably not wise, but he can't let it go unchallenged.

It's probably hit your DH doubly hard , because firstly he's no longer directly in control of his own financial security- which is hard enough in itself- and he's also been screwed over by someone who was supposed to be a friend. He does need to take action to protect his professional integrity though.

Yeah, the more I think about it the more I see I was focusing on the wrong thing. DH totally closed down the discussion when I was arguing that his BM is a horrible horrible person and no friend would do this - I think I need to explain things as you have. DH will NOT want to do anything though.

But you're right. God what a mess. Poor poor DH.

I feel sorry for you. But if your DH works in an industry where going BR could prevent him working, I would let it drop. Your DH is right people talk, they just do, it is shit but you won't stop people in the office gossiping. You could just end up drawing everyone's attention to it if someone gets disciplined. It will be forgotten pretty soon. If I were him though I might have a quiet word with the friend.

What a bastard - great friend he's turned out to be.

I would reply to the email, CC in all the bosses/HR etc and say something like...

'Fredm thank you for CC'ing me into this. BF it's really nice to know what you actually think of me, I really regret having asked you to be my BM. Just for eveyone elses information, my wifes Grandad paid for the wedding as it meant so much to him to see us married before he died. We asked if we could borrow the money instead of having to get a loan, but he would not allow us to do that. He is an elderly & unwell man who wanted to see his Grandaughter married - would you have prefered I refused him this due to my financial difficulties and how that would look to you?'

Sounds like your DH works in a 'regulated' profession if going bankrupt would lose him his job, therefore the BM is really skating on professional thin ice by gossiping like this and breaking a confidence.

It's a safe bet that they all realise he's read it now so something has to give. There's every argument for going to the boss over it, although if DH was not supposed to let anyone know about the loan then they could ask why the BM (a colleague) knew about it.

The other option is to rise above the unpleasantness of it all (I'd avoid the personal aspects of ChippingIn's email regarding regretting BM choice) and he replies to all along the lines of:

Guys

whilst it's a shame to let facts get in the way of a good rumour, given that you copied me into the emails I feel it's only fair that I get to contribute and perhaps set some information straight.

Our wedding was paid for by a relative, we did not use our own money to pay for it. Make of that what you will but the reality is it was a gift to us from a family member and nothing to do with my finances, nor anyone I deal with on a professional basis.

Although, like us all I really hate the idea of my personal financial situation being discussed by colleagues and friends, this is the position I'm now in. I suggest that if you want to continue the chat or want to ask me any more questions about it all then I'll be in XYZ Pub after work on Friday.

Also I think it goes without saying that even though you all have been talking about me and my finances I'm not expecting to find out that this tittle-tattle has gone outside of those on this mail, it's my business and nothing to do with anyone else really is it?

Just wondering about another angle. If he's his best friend and knew all this he could be gossiping in an email to divert attention from people finding out the truth.

So for example he's saying "they spent all their money on a wedding and now they're borrowing from work"

rather than "they had no choice to borrow from work as they are about to go bankrupt and they weren't allowed to spend the cash from the wedding on their debts"

The first one could be defensive (but looks like an attack)

The second is someone actually being bitchy and describing your real situation.

He may have been trying to divert attention by 'attacking' as others may have been gossiping and got wind of the loan.

Acekickers email sounds like a good idea.

Or could your dh just speak to his boss or friend privately and explain that he knows, he doesn't want it to go any further but he would appreciate it if they stopped talking about his finances.

People do goosip and love a drama like this, but try and remember that the reason for that is oftern because someone elses misfortune make people feel better about their own. Most of the people that reead the email are probably just grateful that it isn't them.

Hopefully this bit has been put to rest, but I also just want to stick up with you regards your wedding. I was left money in trust when my Dad died specifiaclly (sp) to be spent on a wedding. So we spent it on a wedding, even though we have alot of debt that other people know about, and the money would have been much better spent elsewhere. Long story, and we also had judgements from a few people, but there was simply no way that money could ever have been spent on anything other than a wedding. This stuff does happen.

I think your DH is right - people do talk and by having a wedding which looked expensive you were asking for problems. Unless you are prepared to have your money troubles aired then you shouldn't have included work in them by asking for the loan.

Weddings don't have to be expensive. You go down the registry office and get the relevant piece of paper for £60 and it's jobs done. Then it can't be held against you if the loan came out at work. And by having an expensive wedding, isn't it just living beyond your means again?

Say nothing, accept that BM is not a friend and move on thinking yourself lucky that DH still has a job.

Yes but northerngirl and anxious, do you not think that it would be unkind to turn down money from your grandad who may or may not be alive much longer and probably wanted to see you walk down the aisle???

I do not think it wrong in any way to have taken the money for a wedding, if it was gifted to them from said dying grandfather. I could see mine doing the same exact thing. My parents would not have heard a minute of it if I said "can we put the money towards our debt".

I still think YANBU by the way, OP.

banana87 she can still get married, turning down the money is not going to preclude that.

But she needs to learn to live within her means - giving her extravagent gifts doesn't teach her to do that. And what's more it encourages other people to wonder about their finances "since they could afford XYZ".

Oh I see, so because she was in debt she doesn't deserve a gift? Oh thats right, because she must have been irresponsible to get into trouble in the first place. I see. Thanks for the enlightenment Northerngirl. Better tell my parents I don't deserve Christmas this year since I ran the credit card up. Damn me.

You poor thing. Double betrayal, a best man! For what it's worth, I understand the situation with the wedding. My father sometimes gives me and my siblings cash with the proviso it is to be spent on fun things, not bills. But you had the wedding and invited a colleague to be best man, it should have been safe to expect him to keep the situation quiet.

I wonder if dh shouldn't clarify with him first that he wasn't perhaps trying to throw people off the scent, re bankruptcy.

When you have money troubles you certainly find out who your friends are. BM should be reported to the bosses for his unprofessional conduct. What a nasty person - do you think he is jealous of your DH?

northen girl the op doesnt say she had an over the top expensive extravaganza with horse drawn carrages and 300 guests each having a meal at £100 a head. Neither does it say she had a small registery office wedding with just close family. She has said she was given x amount of money. That x could easily have been £150 I think your jumping to conclusions here.

and she says the wedding didnt go over the x amount, so she was living within her means

I may be wrong, but using employers email to badmouth or gossip about employees is very much frowned upon by HR. It's not actually an "offence" as such but it could be a disciplinary offence
He should make a complaint, and he should talk to the so called friend

it's awful by the way.

first - what a good thing that DH had already spoken to his boss about this problem, so that his work already knew about it, and decided to support him. If this email had been the first they'd heard of it then it would have been a lot trickier

second - I bet work are as enthusiastic about highlighting it as you are. they won't welcome you making a song-and-dance about it. so don't go down the official disciplinary complaint route.

So what i think you should do is.

DH print out the email and takes it in to his boss and says "look I don't want to make a fuss about this, and I am not making a complaint, but I thought you should be aware of this gossip going around. You probably want to to ignore it, like i do, but I thought you should be aware"

DH then gives BM a bollocking. A private one, not at work.