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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to feel like I am the only person in the WORLD who does not have friends?

34 replies

Desperamum · 22/09/2010 18:05

I have people I say 'Morning' to at the school gates and who I occasionally chat to but that's it. When I hear poeople talking about going out with their friends or their friends coming over or their friend said this or did that I feel like complete shit because I have no one.

It is partly because we have moved a lot and partly because I suffer from social anxiety and find it very difficult to know what to say to people so I tend to not make eye contact. I sometimes feel a bit abnormal and think surely there can't be other mums like me as having DCs makes it easy to meet people right? The problem is that I can never get past the small talk with people into developing a friendship.

I always feel like I am on the outside looking in on people 'having a life'. I adore my DCs and DH and am content with my lot in life apart from this one thing.

So AIBU in thinking it's just me?

OP posts:
pinkbasket · 22/09/2010 18:06

YANBU. I don't really have many friends and none of them are ones I feel I can ring at 2 in the morning or at any time for a moan tbh. Most of the time I am happy on my own, I had to get used to my own company from a very young age so can entertain myself but sometimes.....

Original poster
Desperamum · 22/09/2010 18:06

What pisses me off even more is that I feel I have a lot to offer as a friend and am a rather nice person. Seems I am wasted!

OP posts:
Hedgeblunder · 22/09/2010 18:08

Not at all -moving around alot doesn't help at all. Are you seeing anyone for social anxiety?

nikkershaw · 22/09/2010 18:08

do you actually want to go out with people and have them round your house all the time, or are you happy as you are?

Lizzylou · 22/09/2010 18:11

You are not alone, I was like this a few years ago.
I found that lots of people are actually in the same boat.

Could you join a group/start evening classes anything to get out the house and do something fun for yourself?

Original poster
Desperamum · 22/09/2010 18:12

I am having CBT and am desperate to talk to people but just can't! I would love to have people round and am definitely not happy as I am.

OP posts:
OhLuckyYou · 22/09/2010 18:12

I'm the same really - I've moved around a lot and although I've made friends with lots of people I don't tend to stay in touch when I move on. The only people I could really call on in an emergency (other than DH) are my sister and my dad.

Mostly I'm happy this way - I'm rubbish at small talk and like having a lot of time to myself - friends always want to come over or do stuff!! Smile.

If you are happy as you are that's fine. But do you want to make some friends? Maybe you're just looking in the wrong place - I think a lot of mums think they'll automatically become friends with other mums but really there's nothing in common apart from having children the same age IYSWIM

highonahill · 22/09/2010 18:12

I always feel very Sad at threads like this. The other mums at the school gates don't know you are keen to make friends and probably think you prefer to keep yourself to yourself. Are there any class socials you can go along to? If not, why not organise one yourself. Or join the PTA? Or why not simply ask one of the people you chat to whether they fancy a coffee one morning after the school run. I don't think the other parents are being deliberately unkind. Sometimes it's hard to know if someone is shy or just self-contained.

Good luck

OhLuckyYou · 22/09/2010 18:12

Sorry, am a slow poster!

bamboobutton · 22/09/2010 18:13

yanbu

i used to have lots of friends. then i moved around a lot too and although i'm back in my home town and back in contact with friends it just isn't the same anymore, lives have moved on, interests have changed etc.

i would like friends but i don't have the time to put in to make it flourish.

veritythebrave · 22/09/2010 18:14

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

highonahill · 22/09/2010 18:14

What area are you in?

Is there a MN meet up?

And Blush dare I mention that netmums have some very good local boards with kids activities.

Do you also have toddlers? Because toddler groups can be another source of meeting people.

Anenome · 22/09/2010 18:17

You are most definnately NOT alone! The trouble is that maing friends involves shared experience...so school runs aren't the idea...I had what you have....it was only luck that brought two old school friends back to the city I live in last year...we rekindled ut friendships over our kids...but before that I had nobody..uni mates had moved abroad or to other cities.

I suggest you ask the doc about the social anxiety....there IS help for that....OR you could go holistic and join a yoga class which will kill two birds as it will help yu relax and also meet people.

You could join a class in something else when you feel better...or volunteer in something for charity....

BUt no..YANBU...it is VERY common.

CupcakesHay · 22/09/2010 18:28

I agree - i think a lot of the people at the school gate would be more than happy to be your friend.

I've learnt how to make friends (which sounds a bit naff) but my husband works abroad, and we move countries every 3 years or so.... the best thing to do is take baby steps... so maybe next time you say Hi to another mum, bring something up - either share a comment about how much your DC loved the school trip, or mention school play, etc. Everytime you see this mum(s), add another sentence or two, and then when you feel more confident - see if she's free for a coffee on the walk back, or another day. Remember they might not be available, but hopefully they'll suggest another day.

But i'm sure you'll make a wonderful friend, and it is scary at first, but YOU CAN DO IT!

notremotelyintofootie · 22/09/2010 18:29

i'm the same so yanbu! I moved with my now ex-h when ds was 2 and i had only just made friends through nct then, i was then a single mum for a few years and it was so lonely! I met my lovely dh through the guardian and think if it wasnt for that and the internet i'd probably still be sat alone... :( i even went back to uni and only really have a few people i say hi to and a small chat but no one really that i can go out with etc! I have a good friend who i see occasionally but she is 12 years younger than me and childfree so our options are limited and she moved away after uni but she's my dd's honory non-god parent and idolises my ds and dd!

I would love to have a group of friends to hang out with but after every visit to the childrens centre i end up going home alone and my time is taken up on my phd and home life....

i have no advice but wanted to let you know you aren't alone....

FreakoidOrganisoid · 22/09/2010 18:33

I am in a similar situation. I'm not great at small talk but quite chatty once I know people.

I've been forcing myself to make an effort though-asked people over for a bbq, asked a couple of people for coffees, saw two people I barely knew discussing going out one night on facebook and asked if I could go Blush

My non mum friends are miles away but I make sure I save up and see them very couple of months if I can.

(and if you hear me say "my friend said..." it often means "I read on MN that..." Blush)

Where are you?

Mowiol · 22/09/2010 19:00

It is really difficult for shy people - I suffered a bit from lack of confidence when I was young (not really shyness I know but has similar effects).
But I have grown in confidence with age and I think you really will feel less shy as time goes on.
I think the "baby steps" ideas and maybe joining a club are good suggestions.
A club where you can have a bit of chat but don't have to feel put on the spot. Maybe something practical like cookery or karate (great for confidence building) where it's more action than talk. That way you could chat at your own pace IYSWIM?
Take the plunge - I bet you blossom!!

Greenshadow · 22/09/2010 19:11

Sooo common.

We are also frequent movers - although hopefully for the last time now and have no what I would call close friends.

It has now got even worse as my youngest has just left primary school so I no longer have the school run to chat to people casually on.

I do try joining things - PTAs, scout group committees etc and know a fair few people casually, but it's not the same as good friends to go out with in the evening.

Alambil · 22/09/2010 19:16

I have ONE friend.... who is moving to UAE for a while :(

I am absolutely gutted... but I can't show her so I'm putting a brave face on it, but I know I'll cry when she's gone :(

bigfootbeliever · 22/09/2010 19:19

YANBU - I generally find people very disappointing. DH says I have too high expectations of people, maybe I do.

I've got 3 good friends but I listen to some of the other mums at pick up and despair because I don't even want to be friends with most of them - they sound so shallow, gossiping about absolute crap. Then I think that I am far too judgemental and should give them a chance.

I feel people judge me too because I have a Northern accent and live "down South".

Probably got a few too many chips on my shoulder, but you are certainly not alone.

Original poster
Desperamum · 22/09/2010 20:17

I've tried joining clubs and as I have a new baby, I have been to quite a few baby groups/activities around my area as well.

Now I don't have any problem walking into a room of complete strangers or chatting to an old lady in Tesco putting the world to rights(they seem to be drawn to me Hmm) as long as someone talks to me FIRST. I can make small talk but never seen to be able to get past that iykwim. There have been a few times that there have been long pauses in conversations when I have been talking to people as I find it really hard work to think of things to say.

I have also been told in the past that I look unapproachable so must be giving off the wrong signals Sad.

OP posts:
Bechka · 22/09/2010 21:59

Just to say you are not alone. One of my sisters is my best friend really, and then I have a few colleagues who I like and see outside work a little bit.

It is miserable. I have DD 9 months old, and I go to classes etc, but can never pluck up the courage to go and speak to other mums. I would love to have more friends. Lack of confidence in social situations is an annoying affliction!

mrspear · 22/09/2010 22:03

You are not alone. I am very lonely. I just want friends Sad I think i am socially inept; even DH goes back out after dinner and doesn't come till late

I just want someone to talk too

AnxiousLand · 22/09/2010 22:19

Having lots of friends is very over-rated IMO.
It is true in my experience that you can count the number of true friends on one hand

IF YOU ARE LUCKY

PollyTechnique · 22/09/2010 22:27

Re "looking unapproachable" - how about working on your body language? Borrow some books from the library and see if you're doing something that puts people off, that might be quite simple to change. And Google for some online tips/videos. There are even classes to help people improve the way they appear to others, building confidence in communication.

They do say that to make a friend, be a friend. Perhaps look for small ways to encourage and help people you want to get to know - work on letting people see what a great person you are to be around.

And work on your self-confidence - believe that you'd make a worthwhile friend and people will sense that in you and it will be attractive to them.

Hope things improve for you soon.